Sunday, November 20, 2011
Fictional Female Speaks A Type of Universally Accepted Truth About How Women Love
"Oh!" cried Anne eagerly, "I hope I do justice to all that is felt by you,and by those who resemble you. God forbid that I should undervalue the warm and faithful feelings of any of my fellow-creatures! I should deserve utter contempt if I dared to suppose that true attachment and constancy were known only by woman. No, I believe you capable of everything great and good in your married lives. I believe you equal to every important exertion, and to every domestic forbearance, so long as--if I may be allowed the expression--so long as you have an object. I mean while the woman you love lives, and lives for you. All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one; you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone."
Loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Do Unto Others
“What are you thanking me for?!” was his seemingly annoyed response. “You didn’t take it.”
I was surprised-- so surprised in fact, that I didn’t really have the clarity to formulate a comeback.
Having briefly worked handing out flyers on street corners, I knew how it felt to be ignored by the masses. Plus, I was secretly afraid of turning into someone that automatically used selective tunnel vision to deal with seemingly random day to day interactions with strangers. Yes I had no interest in the card, but I wanted to be polite and acknowledge his attempt and his presence—just like I would have liked him to respond to me had I been in his shoes.
I didn’t tell him any of this and frankly, he didn’t look like he really cared for a reply.
Luckily, we had come to the end of our journey together as I crossed the street and he continued on his way. But even as the distance between us grew, he continued speaking and finally I called out in parting, “Don’t worry about it.”
Although now (and admittedly with unabashed mischievous inclination) I find myself wishing that instead I had smiled warmly and called out, “Thank you kindly! Have a great evening!”
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Manifesting
Successfully acting in projects that touch my spirit. Living as a successful, working, happy, wealthy, creatively inspired actress in all available mediums here and now. Making my living successfully creating and connecting with others--touching hearts, and having my heart touched in return. Being an Earth Angel.
Loving unconditionally with an open heart—knowing consciously that I can never be diminished no matter how the “other” chooses to regard me. Having more fun in my life. Laughing more. Easily forgiving myself so that I can be more open, loving and forgiving of others. More playful, more grounded, more consciously/creatively inspired.
Enjoying/experiencing a relationship where we steadily become the people we desire to be. Enjoying/experiencing a relationship where we are movements by ourselves and a force when we’re together. Enjoying/experiencing love without fear. Radiating love effortlessly. Sharing the love in my heart every time I hug. Being the best mother, sister, daughter, friend, co-worker, bright light that I can be.
Being consciously connected with my Higher Self and my Spirit Guides and my angels.
Being financially worry free.
Feeling great about myself, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.
Experiencing: "My bounty is as boundless as the sea, / My love as deep; the more I give to thee/ The more I have, for both are infinite." (R&J) And, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,/ Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." (Hamlet)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Dear P_____
Without sadness, without regrets, I’m trying to let you go.
I really want to embrace peace instead of the chaos that threatens to consume my thoughts when I go back and forth on whether or not to engage in something as simple as making eye contact. Yes, I fear that even an action as simple as eye-contact is already fraught with my potential one-sided baggage.
I think, maybe, deliberately ceasing to initate interacting will help me to let go of you sooner…I’m hoping that perhaps, if one day, in the not too distant future, I happen to look up and find you in my line of sight, we will be able to exchange a friendly, innocent greeting, without my thinking a few seconds later, “Well that was a mistake” or “What’s going to happen next time we see each other?” I’m hoping to cease feeding that monster, insecurity, scraps of “Why-didn’t-HE-initiate-more?” or “What-was-it-about-me-that-didn’t-inspire-him-to-initiate?”
I know in my heart and in my mind why we do what we do has nothing to do with others and everything to do with the individual orchestrating the action/reaction/interaction. Those actions/reactions speak volumes about the initiator. But, at the end of the day, in intention, lies the truth and only one person is in the best position to honestly label the nature of his/her intention simply because they are the only ones standing in their shoes.
So regardless of what the reasons are behind your non-intiation/follow thru, as I am the one standing in my shoes I feel the need to move on. And the only way I currently know how to do this, is to cease initiating.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Honestly Disappointed
In lieu of hand delivery, I recently mailed out Thank you packages. Up till now, only one person sent an email response acknowledging said package and according to the Delivery Confirmation Number, they've all been delivered with the exception of one.
I shouldn't take it so personally, but right now, I can't help it. This colors my perception of every last one of them--perhaps because it is also my last impression of them up to date and its more than likely I will never see a handful of them again.
I know this feeling shall pass and I will use it to inform my actions when the roles are reversed. But right now, I can't help but feel disappointed...(And yes, the disappointment is my fault because I am choosing to be disappointed as opposed to just focusing on the smiles I hoped the gifts elicited whether or not I get actual confirmation of such a fleeting response to said gift).
Maybe I'm projecting the disappointment...maybe I'm disappointed in myself for taking to heart the lack of acknowledgment. Maybe it's not about them...
Sigh. I should just move on.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
So...
Intellectually I understand that how a person chooses to act or not act is more of a reflection of himself/herself as opposed to of me. And although I know this, while in the moment, it is an emotional tug of war not to take the potentially perceived slight personally-- even if prior to reaching out I swore to myself that I wouldn't be negatively affected if I received no response.
I guess I'm looking outside of myself for some form of validation, aka love, and, honestly, I'd like to stop this search as no one can fill me with worth from the outside in.
Intellectually, I know I am enough. I guess the more I practice knowing this while in the moment, the easier it will be to live it as second nature.
In the interim, I ask God and all my angels and metaphysical friends to help me with my fear of being less than. I say I've had enough with building my castles on sand! Help me build it on solid ground. I'd really love your help.
Thank you
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Misunderstanding in Communicating
I had an exchange over the internet today and I have regrets on how I played my part. I don’t regret the lesson I have learned from it, but I feel sad that I wasn’t able to communicate my intentions clearly so as not to lead to misunderstanding.
Honestly? I wish I felt blameless.
Isn’t it funny that because of this incident, I shall go to bed tonight with less peace than when I awoke this morning?
“…I would forget it fain;/ But, oh, it presses to my memory/ Like damned guilty deeds to sinners minds…” (R&J, Act. 3, Sc. 2).
I have taken action to try to rectify it.
I hope my apology will be well received.
And if it is not, at least I now know to never go down this particular path again...
But what a bitter pill to swallow in order to gain this insight.
Dear Archangel Michael, I would really love your help with this. Please take care of the consequences of my actions—heal this relationship and help the best possible outcome to occur. I thank you with all my heart. Amen.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Taking A Step Forward instead of Back
“If he doesn’t call, he’s not interested. Period.”
The immediate, invisible line connecting that one sentence to thoughts of you brought up feelings of anger.
And after a while, the initial steps towards clarity.
Akin to spending a few minutes standing in a dark cave and suddenly realizing that I had a flashlight in my backpack, I chose to take charge of my situation by turning on the light. And I found that the steadier I focused the light, and focused my attention on the light’s path, the clearer I could see that which stood before me.
The temptation to be angry is there and might always be there, but just beyond that is the clarity that you had/have every right to decide whether or not you wanted to be in my life.
And because I am also a strong believer that the Universe is on my side and that everyone and everything that should be in my life will be, I can see the pool of light widening.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and it just so happens to be without you in my life. And that is obviously not a bad thing. After all, why have someone in one’s life that doesn’t want to be there?
Another sentence just came into my mind. I honestly think it’s a bit more light from my buddy the Universe. Funny enough, it’s from Notes from the Universe: "Whenever something doesn't work out the way you thought it would, instead of thinking that something went wrong, see it as something that went unexpectedly well, but for reasons that are not yet apparent. Everything plays to your favor."
That makes me smile.
And it’s just the right amount of clarity to help me make my way out the Cave and into the daylight.
The sun feels good on my face.
Thank goodness I’m already wearing sunscreen.
Thank you Universe!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Audition Results
“Oh dear God” I thought as I looked at the sender information. It was from the Director of TTONO.
As I sat there looking at the computer screen, the pit of my stomach already experiencing the initial symptoms of dread, I contemplated waiting till a latter point in time to peruse its contents. You see, ever since I left the audition room the day before, my thoughts had been consumed with playing Back to the Future in numerous attempts to “correct” my final read.
Prior to the audition, my goal was to feel great about the work that I did in the room. The way I saw it, if I felt great about my audition, it wouldn’t matter whether I was cast or not. But now that I did not feel great about the last thing I did before exiting the room, I wasn’t sure I was ready to deal with whatever was written in this yet to be opened email.
After reasoning with myself that I was only prolonging the inevitable, I clicked on the screen and braced myself for its contents. Quickly, my eyes scanned the length of the email and for some unclear reason, just the fact that it was about five or six lines short was confirmation enough that I didn’t get the part.
Then I read the email.
And then I looked away from the screen.
Several moments passed as I sat looking up at the Heavens. There were no thoughts in my head, just an intense feeling of… surprise. They had offered me the role.
Somewhat dazed, I gave thanks to God and the Angels—particularly Archangel Gabriel who I recently learned was the Angelic Ambassador of Communication, Artists/Creative Expression whom I had especially sought out prior to the audition.
I then said out loud, "I didn't expect this." As if my metaphysical friends needed me to verbalize the reason for the still lingering feeling of surprise. After all, they were metaphysical—it’s not as if they couldn’t read my mind.
But maybe saying it out loud wasn’t for their benefit. Maybe it was for mine. Maybe it was a way to explain to my dumbfounded self why I was so…dumbfounded.
And then I thought maybe I had read the email wrong.
And then I thought, “Wouldn't it be sad if I had read the email wrong?”
So once again I looked back at the screen and this time slowly reread the contents.
And then I said, "F*@k!"
Audition
A week prior to said audition, I received an email from the Director that included the audition side and full script with a short note asking if I was able to come in to be seen for it. I had worked with her before and was excited at the prospects of working with her again, so I immediately said yes. And then, I read the script. And then I became nervous.
It was a great script-- very interesting, with colorful characters and equally colorful language. My nerves kicked in because, at one point, the character I was auditioning for initiates seducing another character. Fear crept in because in real life I don’t fancy myself as seduction-initiating-inclined. I guess “excitement” could have been a plausible reaction, but, honestly, in that moment, it was purely fear.
But thankfully (I thought at the time), the scene I was asked to prepare seemed simple enough. It was several lines preceding the seduction section and did not appear as a lead in to a seduction. The exchange was also surprisingly quite short. In fact it was so short that mid-week I sent the Director an email asking if I had all the necessary pages. She wrote back confirming the length of the side and added that although it was short “it was full of subtext.”
I did my acting homework and came up with an objective and plausible approaches to my lines. I then emailed my thoughts (as she was out of town for the week) to a trusted friend, who also happens to be a very talented actress. We’ve met up numerous times in the past to help each other prepare for auditions. She wrote back commending my prep work and encouraged me to remember to play and be in the moment during the audition. I then met up with another friend and from that was born a completely different take on the mini side. Once more I emailed my out of town friend and she encouraged me to feel out both approaches and again stay connected in the moment.
On the day of the audition, embracing the “better safe than sorry,” adage, I arrived at the building about an hour and a half early. I tend to get to places early. I like being early. But as I was quite early, I came up with a game plan. Since my audition was on the 4th floor of the building, I decided to hang out in the spacious and somewhat swank bathroom on the 3rd floor until about 30 minutes before my appointment time.
Just as the 30 minute mark was approaching and I began to make my exit, the bathroom door opened (at the same time as I was exiting the stall) and I came face to face with a dear friend of mine. Of all the days, of all the buildings in the city, and of all the bathrooms in this building, she chose to walk into mine. We had a good laugh over that. And then after trading playful barbs (we have that kind of friendship), we hugged goodbye and parted ways. She had recently acquired a new job and so went off to finish her work shift downstairs and I headed upstairs to my audition.
Up on the 4th floor, I located the audition room and while awaiting my turn, filled out the required Info/Conflict Sheet. At one point the Director came out and said hello to those of us waiting and then went back into the room. Around 5:40 I decided to make a quick trip to the bathroom. Of course when I came out, I saw the Director looking for someone and knew instantly my time had come.
Escorting me into the room, I was introduced to the five other occupants, one of whom was the reader. I made eye contact, said hello to everyone and after exchanging pleasantries, got down to business.
I sat on a chair and did the scene the first time through. It was a simple enough, straightforward first attempt in front of a live studio audience. The Director then asked me to approach the second read basically flirting with the other character. I was to keep in mind that my character had been out of the dating scene for some time but she thinks her methods are still on pointe. She believes this will be quite easy for her but then realizes as the scene unfolds that the other character is slow on the uptake and therefore must now work harder than she initially intended. (This is what she had meant by there being a lot of subtext taking place in the short audition side—these actions played against the lines on the page.) I took the direction and the second time around got some nice laughs from around the room. Then she asked me to get up and keeping in mind her last direction, use the room and add the fact that my character cannot stand the man she’s trying to flirt with. I basically drew a blank. I got up and did the scene but managed to not incorporate anything she said. As I was doing it I felt like a wet noodle. And of course, there were no laughs. Afterwards, she thanked me, I thanked everyone and then exited stage right.
When I got outside, I realized all the things I could have tried out in the room—ways that I could have used the space to play and flirt, etc. Since we had worked together before and since I felt comfortable with her, before I got on the subway, I was inspired to send her the following text: “Thanks for seeing me for this…Of course as soon as I left the room I had all these ideas I could have tried in the stand up version. Ah well, and so it goes. Thanks again Lady.”
A short while later she responded with: “So good to see you too. I’ll let you know! I literally wrote next to your name, ‘amazing.’
I thought that was kind of her. And then I thought, I wished I had felt amazing about my final read.
I called my best friend and sent a text to my out of town friend saying I blew the audition. They each responded that I was probably being too hard on myself and that I should just wait and see, etc. The thing is I went into that room with certain expectations of myself: I wanted to feel good about the work that I did so that whether or not I was cast, I could still be proud of my efforts. The fact that the last read felt so flat and didn’t elicit any laughs was all the proof I needed to arrive at the conclusion that I didn’t accomplish what I set out to do. It wasn’t even about wanting to be cast in the role—I just wanted to feel good about the work that I presented.
Also, I felt I wanted to work with the playwright at some point. Before I had read the script, I googled his name, read a few blogs on his website and found myself moved by some of the pieces. At the time, I literally put out into the Universe that I wanted to work with him on something that made my soul sing. And after that audition, I felt I was now even much further away from realizing that goal.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Working it out in my head
Truth is, even if I did "know" him, I might still be tempted to make assumptions.
The danger in making assumptions is the temptation to treat the assumptions as fact as opposed to conjectures cobbled together in an attempt to have a clear point of view on a subject.
I am trying not to judge P__ but I can’t help but notice that other people at the gym initiate saying hello. There’s one guy who will tap me on the shoulder if I don’t happen to see him first and there’s another one who will come by and engage me in conversation. I feel as though if I don’t initiate with P__, it won’t happen...
I know it’s not fair to compare him to others. If I compare him, I may find him guilty and that’s not fair since all I have is my subjective point of view. So perhaps instead of comparing him, I can use this as an opportunity to clarify more of what I want.
I’m interested in meeting people who are available—literally and figuratively. I want to meet people who take the time to initiate conversation and show interest in wanting to connect in a healthy and fun verbal exchange. I expect that in all existing and in all potential relationships—friendship or otherwise.
As for genuine, empowering, spiritually grounded love, I subscibe quite strongly to Anna Louise Strong's quote, "To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
In the interim, Dear God, please heal my perception of P___. I ask you to help me in truly surrendering and fully releasing him. Since my personal desire is peace and happiness, I honestly wish him the same-- true peace and every happiness. You have my best interest at heart and so I trust your direction in all my affairs. I am genuinely only interested in what and in whom you want to bring into my life.
Please heal my perception, help me come from a place of love and help me to hear your council.
Thank you.
Amen.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Speak up
If my last interaction with someone was less than positive or if I find myself wondering how someone feels about me, I send out my energy to do a sweep of the energy around the other person. This is usually achieved by some action on the physical plane (i.e. I try to engage them in conversation just to see how they respond and then I judge my current standing with them based on the manner of said response).
Frankly, I've decided that this is just too much work.
And it’s not even based on absolute certainty. I am much closer to certainty by coming right out and asking, “Are we ok?”
I notice I send out my energy in this manner when I feel guilty about whatever I may have said or done prior to the instinct to test the waters.
Perhaps it’s a fear of not being liked. But then that means I need to re-examine my initial motives for saying/doing what I initially said/did. If it truly felt like the right thing to say/do, then I need to have more confidence and love myself enough to trust that if it feels like there is now an issue, it’s ok to speak up and ask, “Are we ok?” And then go from there.
The worst thing that can happen is that I’m told, “We’re not ok.” And then I have to determine whether there is a mutual willingness to work through the disconnect.
It boils down to not knowing how to be comfortable with being a powerful person and therefore it results in a weakening of said power when I second guess my actions by fearing how others are going to view me.
If I want to know their thoughts—if I feel we’re not ok and if being at peace or moving towards peace is important to me—then I can and should ask.
This way, I can clearly play my part—doing what I can to contribute to my peace— and not just the external peace between myself and the other, but most importantly my inner peace.
OK. That makes sense intellectually.
Now I just have to practice it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother’s Day 2011
The mother, perhaps in her early 40s was multitasking—carrying two grocery bags, speaking, somewhat animatedly, on her cell phone, and glancing down every once in awhile to check the whereabouts of her little girl.
The little girl, perhaps 3 or 4 years of age, was doing her best to keep up, but appeared to be having a hard time of it. You see, not only was she trying to match her mother step by step, she was also being weighed down by her load. Swung over her right arm and almost half the size of her pint sized self was a rather heavy looking black handbag.
I watched as this little girl, determined to be of assistance as they journeyed towards their destination, began to fall behind. Her tiny frame, visibly unaccustomed to so much weight, and judging by her expression, noticeably against her wishes, rebelled against her attempt to muscle through the situation. Finally, giving into exhaustion, she paused, placed her load down on the sidewalk and was about to take it up on her left side, when her travel companion turned around.
Without skipping a beat, the mother, still deeply engaged in her phone conversation, gently placed down one of her grocery bags, walked back to where her daughter was standing, and picked up the black handbag.
Undeterred, the little girl, as if revived by her brief respite, ran ahead, picked up the newly abandoned bag of groceries and swung it over her left shoulder.
By this time, I was passing mother and child and couldn’t help but feel a sense of appreciation for bearing witness to the little girl, her mother and their actions.
The way I see it, it’s more than just the label. It’s more than just “Mother”, “Father,” “Guardian.” The true definition of parent is found in the actions of the former and in the responses of their children towards each other and ultimately in interactions with humanity at large.
The way I see it, that little girl, at the tender age of three or four, was already practicing compassion, empathy, awareness of another’s situation and there is no doubt in my mind that this has been made possible with the assistance of her first teachers, and consequently the first recipients, her guardian—be it mother or father or both or other.
Dear members of the Mommy Club, for taking on this sacred role, I thank you for being vessels of love. I do not doubt that countless lives will be affected by the love you share and teach in your homes today and in the years to come.
On behalf of the rest of humanity, I thank you for your contribution to fostering the extraordinary capacity for unconditional love in your homes and ultimately in the world.
You have my deepest respect and sincerest admiration.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Once Upon a Time, I got Mad
At work, I discovered a potentially huge mistake in its infancy and no one owned up to it. My frustration arose from the fact that it was a mistake that could have been understood had it been a high call volume day. Even a tortoise would have marveled at how such an incident could happen given how easy a work day it had been. I was also frustrated because it was a mistake that could have been avoided if whoever birthed it had been paying attention and I had asked on numerous occasions for people to pay attention to the task at hand before moving on to something else.
I could feel the thick, stifling toxic air around me. I was more than “hot under the collar.” I was swimming naked in a sea of fire (and I am aware that I emotionally chose to go skinny dipping in said blazing sea).
It was the type of mistake (it had happened before) that resulted in customers mistakenly signed up for performances taking place in an entirely different state. In fact the last time it had occurred, a customer claimed the busing had already been arranged and compensated for and that I had to personally fix the situation even though the venue she wanted seats to had no seats to accommodate her group size. I ended up having to check her account everyday until a week before the performance to see if any seats opened up.
Yesterday’s anger and frustration came from taking the newly discovered mistake personally and fearing that it was a reflection of my Managerial skills. And it's quite possible that I had unconsciously tapped into the unpleasant nature of that prior experience and had obviously not forgiven the mistake the first time around.
And the other fear based thought involving any outside perception of my Managerial acumen came from trying to understand what else I could do to drive home the need for my team to fully concentrate on the task at hand. Basically how to Police any and all potential problems as opposed to just being a Supervisor that wisely supervises whatever problems happen to come up.
I realize now that yesterday, I was reliving a past uncomfortable exchange and at the same time mistakenly viewing myself as being less than because of the actions of others.
Lesson 7 in the Workbook for students section of A Course in Miracles says, “I see only the past.
This idea is particularly difficult to believe at first. Yet it is the rationale for all of the preceding ones.
It is the reason why nothing that you see means anything.
It is the reason why you have given everything you see all the meaning that it has for you.
It is the reason why you do not understand anything you see.
It is the reason why your thoughts do not mean anything, and why they are like the things you see.
It is the reason why you are never upset for the reason you think.
It is the reason why you are upset because you see something that is not there.” (ACIM)
So according to ACIM the reason I got upset was because I was reacting to something that wasn’t there. I was reacting to something from the past. I wasn’t really reacting to yesterday’s seeming mistake.
So now that I've made it to the shores of Calm Relfection, what have i learned (or perhaps am continuing to learn)? As a Supervisor, all I can do is make my expectations known, lead by example and then be grateful for the times when I discover something before it develops into further drama. In the case of yesterday’s events, I did discover it before it escalated to another level. But while in the moment, I was too busy focusing on what went wrong, that I failed to notice all that was right-- or that the situation could have been worse.
I’ll be better next time-- I'm sure I'll have several more opportunities at this.
I’ll give it my best effort.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Not So Black and White
There was an empty seat on an otherwise packed car of a subway train. The car's doors opened and two people got on, simultaneously noticing and inevitably making a beeline for the vacant spot.
Person A arrived first and sat down, much to Person B's astonishment. After a few seconds of the clearly offended Person B standing in front of Person A, another passenger gave up their seat. Feeling perhaps the silent rays of judgment loudly emanating from some of the onlookers and particularly from Person B, Person A made a statement.
"I'm sorry, but I'm just really tired."
This did nothing to quell the waves of disapproval radiating off Person B and company.
I found myself wondering if the apology would have been necessary if Person A had not been an older gentleman and Person B, his contemporary in all things as far as the eyes could see, except for one. Person B happened to be a she.
I also found myself wondering if I was the only passenger not readily inclined to condemn the man for his actions.
Here in the United States, and clearly exemplified in the unfolding drama in the car, society expected chivalry from Person A. The fact that he realized this and chose to go against the expectation-- going as far as to "excuse" his actions by saying he was tired was clearly enough evidence to damn him as a guilty, uncouth character possibly disdainful of women. Or is it?
I actually commended him (albeit silently) for speaking up. It actually contributed to my not finding him guilty of any wrongdoing.
Now let me be clear. I adore a chivalrous man just like the next gal. I once went out with a gentleman who pulled out my chair and actually waited for me to sit down before he pulled out his own chair. Imagine my surprise when after a few seconds of fiddling with something in my purse, I glance over to find him patiently waiting for me to sit down. It was akin to something I may have read once in a romance novel or two. But I'm not in the habit of expecting men to be chivalrous and so won't hold it against them if they don't demonstrate chivalry. It's not the world I was exposed to while growing up. And maybe Person B was brought up to have this expectation, but again, I feel that Person A demonstrated his acknowledgement of her ire, apologized and gave a reason why he chose not to adhere to it at that moment.
Also, if Person A was really an uncouth misogynist, why would he apologize?
Why not stare defiantly at the woman or even go to the opposite extreme by completely ignoring her?
Person A got off a few stops later. Once he exited the car, Person B and the passenger that had given her a seat (a man) gave voice to their feelings. The passenger insinuated that he was embarrassed to be classified as a member of the same sex. The woman couldn't believe he had had the nerve to tell her he was tired--since, after all, she was "tired too."
What both of them failed to take into consideration was that he did apologize for his actions and that there were several reasons why he could have been "tired."
The age old adage, "You can't judge a book by its cover" comes to mind. For all we knew, the man could have been sick. Or maybe he had just gotten off a shift where he had spent the entire time on his feet. Or maybe he hadn't eaten his first meal of the day and he was feeling faint.
I think he deserved the benefit of the doubt. If not for his sake, then at least for the sake of Person B and the helpful passenger’s peace of mind. Person B lost out on a seat and it appears had her ego bruised over the matter. Not only had she lost out on a seat. She had made a concerted effort to get to that seat and then on top of that she had lost it to a man who was not obeying a societal expectation of chivalry.
If I were in her shoes, I too, might have been upset. I might have reacted with embarrassment or annoyance or perhaps (hopefully) even laughter (the latter may be a far stretch but not entirely implausible). With the exception of the last one, the common denominator emotion leading me to take the situation personally, feeding all the aforementioned possible reactions would be fear.
Fear that I would be judged negatively for not being quick enough. Fear that there was a particular reason that I was not deemed “worthy” of having a man do the gentlemanly thing by stepping aside and letting me sit down. Fear that had I been more attractive, I would be sitting in the seat instead of feeling as though I had egg on my face with everyone watching and thinking the same thing. But all of these fears would have been my issues--my own judgments on myself mistakenly projected outwards and then perceived as coming from somewhere else.
Fear sure can make us forget ourselves and abandon our innate claim to peace.
But much of this is speculation. I don’t really know what was going on in each other’s mind. But I do know I didn’t find the man guilty of any wrongdoing and I wanted to explore why that was the case.
I really do wonder if it would have been an issue if it had
been two women vying for the same seat.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
In Today's Episode
I haven’t really seen P__ at the gym lately--I’m sure he’s been there, but I’ve just kept my focus on working out.
Well today, I saw him.
He happened to be working out alongside his gym partner. In close proximity to the machines I needed to use next. I quickly assessed the situation. If I were to go over there I would not be able to avoid him-- well I could, but then that would be... awkward.
I decided to take my time on the machine I was currently on. I even added extra sets with higher reps. When I had exhaused my interest in the machine, I looked up to find them still exercising in the same area. Seeing no other recourse, I made my way over.
With my head down, fiddling with my mp3 player, I got on my machine. But as you’ve probably guessed, the fiddling and the heads down business could only last but for so long. A few seconds later, giving up all pretenses, I lifted my gaze.
He was engaged in conversation with his partner and since I had my headphones on I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
After a few minutes of working out, alternating between machines to maximize my gym time, I began to feel somewhat at ease. Imagine. There was definitely a marked difference between trying to appear busy and nonchalant versus actually being nonchalant and busily working out.
Inevitably, we made eye contact. As he was picking up a free weight, he happened to look up at me at the same time I happened to look down at him while taking a breather before starting a new set of reps.
He smiled. I smiled and followed with a mouthed, “Hello.”
I then resumed working out and he made his way to another part of the gym.
Later on I saw him his reflection in my workout mirror as he made his way towards the Men’s Locker Room.
Instinctually, I once again found myself head down, determined to avoid eye contact, lifting it only when I was certain he had crossed over the threshold.
Some minutes later while doing my cardio, I found myself consciously surrendering thoughts of him while simultaneously thanking the Universe for everything unfolding for my highest good.
Now, I want to clarify that this is my own personal belief for my own life-- the idea of releasing my perception of the now while affirming Divine assistance with the unfolding of the future. Funny enough, now that I think about it, it’s actually akin to releasing perception of the perpetual now.
I sincerely believe that everything unfolds for my highest good and, frankly, the act of consciously surrendering something to forces privy to the bigger picture (God, Angels, Holy Spirit, Higher Self, the Universe) is more attractive and comforting to me than the alternative: damaging my peace of mind with seemingly innocuous but ultimately potentially harmful imaginings. That one word “potentially” is all the encouragement I need to break free when I realize I’ve caught myself in my own web of unhelpful thoughts.
Therefore in this episode, for all involved, surrendering and affirming felt/feels like the “right” and kind thing to do.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
A Matter of Perspective
After listening to what unfolded, I came up with possible reasons why the Representative she had dealt with had acted in the manner he did. She replied that she didn’t really care why he acted the way he did—she just needed him to answer her questions clearly and succinctly.
In that moment, I felt myself stop. Now mind you, I was still listening attentively, but, for lack of a better word, I stopped “pushing” my ideas and let her have her say.
Just because I tried to see other reasons for why people may do what they do, doesn’t mean that someone else would find that train of thought particularly helpful. And this in turn, made me realize that she hadn’t asked for my opinion in the first place.
Her perspective isn't wrong-- it’s just how she chooses to see the matter-- it’s her reality. And I see the benefits of it-- you just deal with what it is that you set out to deal with, without creating any additional, potential, illusions to the situation. The approach seems clean and clear and to the point.
I think for me though, if I start to take it personally and play it over and over in my mind and have a hard time letting it be, then seeing other sides of the story-- having empathy inducing thoughts will help me “suffer” less…
Based on that interaction, I think it’s safe to proffer the following final thoughts on the matter: Which response brings a more peaceful approach to any situation?
Answer: Well that entirely depends on the person experiencing said situation:)
One Foot in Front of the Other...
Lately at the gym, I have been consciously focusing exclusively on working out (i.e. not purposely looking around in hopes of catching a glimpse of him). And honestly, I see this approach as a good thing—especially since, after all, I am there to workout.
When I happened to see him (he didn’t see me), he was on the last leg of his exercise routine—abdominal work. His normal practice after abdominals was to head to the Men’s Locker Room and commence getting ready to head out.
I am happy to say that although I was on a machine near said Locker Room, I finished my downstairs workout and then went upstairs for my cardio without lagging behind in hopes of “accidentally” running into him.
Yes, I fantasized about how pleasant it could be were he to come over and say hello. But, not enough to obsess about it in detail, or wish for it with every fiber of my being, or even hold it against him for it not coming to pass.
I silently wished him a wonderful day and then returned my attention to the task at hand—Conquering the Treadmill.
The name of the game is Surrender and Release and I’m in it to win it.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Writing
mother nature’s daughter, a force of reckoning.
ALL LIFE, animate and inanimate,
ARE AT HER MERCY.
HER BROTHER, the WIND, her partner in crime,
FORCES the Earth to bow
in their majestic presence.
NO ONE CAN ESCAPE her far reaching arms.
And when enraged, beware her ROAR
for it strikes fear even in the hearts of stones.
But with her power,
a seemingly blatant disregard for those on her path,
comes the promise of a fresh beginning,
a stillness born out of tumult,
And somedays,
She is as gentle as her name,
Rain. (circa 1988/89)
I remember writing that poem during a beautiful rainstorm. My mom was in the kitchen and I was at the age where I was “watching” her cook so that I could learn to do it for myself. But all I wanted to do was capture in words the magnificent power of Mother Nature. I remember being so excited to put it down on paper.
Sometimes I write to process an emotion:
ANGER
Darkness descends quickly
Day is usurped by night
The lines between love and hate
are made obscure in a fog of angry fury.
A heat, more scalding than fire and hot coals
invades my being, making insight inconceivable.
Like a red-eyed bull I explode:
A raging juggernaut at full speed
obliterating the innocent lambs in my path.
Awakening from my drunked hatredness,
I face the aftermath of my massive destruction.
Words cannot describe my undeniable remorse.
Wallowing in shame I place my head between my hands.
“Sorry” just isn’t enough. (circa 1992/93)
Other times, it’s a general reflection on an idea:
LIFE
Dark and murky
As the reflections of a shadow.
Taken for granted
As the features of a penny.
A kaleidoscope of unpredictable emotions.
A journey to find the meaning of self. (Feb. 2, 1995)
I wrote the following piece while processing an emotional attachment of the Boy Meets Girl and Girl ends up Obsessing over Boy variety. At the time I wrote it, I was on the road to self recovery:
On the road of life I went walking and spied you up ahead.
Easily I caught up and matched you step for step.
We walked in this fashion for about a mile.
Life happened.
It was what it was.
One day, you picked up the pace and broke into a jog.
Not giving it a second thought, I followed suite.
(Not giving it a second thought, I left my self behind)
(Not giving it a second thought, two had now left one)
Then you began to run.
I struggled to catch up and laughed at the irony:
There was a time I’d say in jest,
‘I’d never run unless I was being chased.’
(Ah, irony)
I caught up several times, but you seemed to pick up speed.
Finally I stopped.
You continued north.
I headed east.
On the road of life I went walking, the trees and sky my companions.
After about a mile, I spied a familiar face.
The one that two had left behind caught up.
But one was not the same as one once was.
With unconditional love, one smiled at me with open arms.
I hugged her tightly, tears blurring my vision.
I cried for her, I cried for me.
On the road of life went walking the naĂ¯ve and the seasoned.
Talking the best of both personas, two became whole.
On the road of life I went walking and one day I smiled.
Everything happens the way it should.
All things work together for good. (2007?)
I wrote that piece because it felt “right.” It was the “right” thing to do at that time.
I find that I write when inspired. It seems to come from an irrepressible need to translate feelings into words. Sometimes I write in an attempt to gain clarity, to heal, to encourage or in some cases to celebrate.
These days, I find I write poems less and less. But although the form has changed, the need to put feelings into words still resonates deeply within.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A Flash of Fear
A few seconds later what began as a glance had morphed into staring and before I consciously realized what I was doing, he had turned around and found me watching him.
He paused, smiled and then waved. Automatically, I smiled in return.
He then resumed his machine search and I placed complete focus on finishing my reps.
At least that's what happened externally.
Internally, somewhere between his pausing, waving and selecting another machine, I immediately found myself making plans to stop searching him out at the gym.
Just like that, in the space of a few seconds, my peace of mind was suddenly on shaky ground.
I had been caught staring and even though it hadn't been on purpose, my ego began flooding my senses with 'You-should-be-embarrassed' signals. In turn these signals triggered the fearful assumption that I could potentially be making him uncomfortable--which was the last thing I wanted to do!
As my heart began to race, ironically matching the growing sense of dread now building up inside, I forced myself to stop thinking and focused exclusively on breathing mindfully.
Luckily with breath came the beginnings of clarity.
I needed to stop playing the role of Judge, Jury and Executioner. I wasn't guilty of anything. A) I hadn't been staring at him on purpose. B)I honestly couldn't (and shouldn't) make a case for him against me since I had no way of knowing what he was thinking and C) I should be contributing to my peace of mind--not giving into the temptation to sabotage it based on assumption.
I say "assumption" because all I knew for certain was that he smiled and waved at me-- everything else was an assumption spawned when Fear raped my mind. And as assumptions are not synonymous with reality, I refused to delude myself by making the grievous mistake of treating it as such.
***********************************
Now that time has afforded me more opportunity to think, I believe it's wiser to focus more on my workouts and less on P___. It just feels more harmonious to allow P___ to just... be (both physically and psychically). To be quite honest, physically, I've been reaching out to him with my hellos and goodbyes and psychically, he's been living, rent-free, in my mind for quite sometime. And in both cases since I've also been asking for metaphysical assistance in the interactions perhaps it's safe to say I've been trying too hard...
What happens if I just focus my intentions on genuinely feeling good and refrain from physically and psychically trying to orchestrate something?...What happens if I just let whatever unfolds unfold--letting both he and myself off the hook?...I thought I had been doing this (at least that had been the plan), but then today's trip down Fear street was clearly a wrong turn in the opposite direction from the road to Letting Go and Letting Be.
Well, as "It is all for learning," I'll just have to get back on track.
Letting Go and Letting Be, I'm making my way back.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Testing Waters
I had finished the Weights section of my workout and wanted to make contact before heading upstairs.
"Hello," I said smiling up at him. The tell tale signs of sweat on his skin, led me to conjecture that he had been making very good use of his workout time. Either that or he had a glandular problem.
"Hello," he responded in kind.
"I just wanted to come over and say hi," I said, a bit surprised at how shyly that came out. Clearing my throat, "How's everything going? Are you feeling better from before?"
Being in such close physical proximity, I couldn't help but notice that he was really quite handsome.
"Yes, much better."
And because I was in such close physical proximity, I also couldn't help but notice the definition in his physique. Let's just say that all the effort he was putting in at the gym was paying off.
Since I had sought him out and since our past conversations had consisted of hellos and goodbyes, I didn't want to squander the opportunity of a meaningful verbal exchange. Therefore, re-focusing on the conversation, I continued with "Did you figure out if it was a cold or allergies?"
"I think it was a cold, but I'm definitely better now. You know how it is when you're with kids--germs and all."
Excellent! I had an opening to find out more about his work.
"What exactly do you teach?"
"I teach at F__ D___ A___."
I had no idea where that was, but I intended to rectify that over Google later on this evening.
"No, but what exactly is it that you teach?"
"English."
"How old are the kids?"
"Fourteen, fifteen."
"Oh, wow. That's cool."
I found myself wondering what type of teacher he was and what his students thought of him both as a teacher and as a person.
"Yeah. I like it," he said smiling. "Things good with you?"
A little flustered at now being the subject of the conversation, "I'm good!" I said some what over enthusiastically. Toning it down I continued with, "I was battling something not too long ago--but I think it was allergies. Otherwise I'm doing good."
"Well, that's good," he smiled again.
Sensing it was time to make a graceful exit--afterall, he was here to workout--"Well," I said once again somewhat shyly, "I just wanted to come over and say hi."
"Okay sweetie," he laughed, patting me lightly on the back. I smiled at him once more and then headed straight for the locker room.
Once inside, I opened my locker and began the routine of getting out all the items to begin washing my face. I had made my way over to the sink before I realized that I hadn't even done the cardio portion of my workout! Shaking my head as I placed the items back into the locker, I couldn't help but laugh. By choosing to walk over and speak to him, I had literally and figuratively thrown myself off of my routine.
With my belongings safely locked away, once more I headed out to the gym floor, this time making my way upstairs, intent on finishing my routine.
**************************************
I know students are currently on Spring Break this week, but I forgot to bring that up to P__ and ask about his plans. Admittedly, I'm thinking this would have been a nice segue to broaching the friendly cup of coffee plans from weeks before. But the thing is, I also want to believe that if he is interested, he will ask me--he will bring it up. Afterall, I made the initial move so its not so farfetched to expect him to follow through--again that is if he is interested, right? I mean, that makes sense doesn't it?
Oh well. I will not deal in speculation/assumptions. I am enjoying being able to say hello to him. It sure beats watching him from afar;)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Brief Encounters
I was walking towards him as he was walking away from an exercise machine. It happened so quickly that I wasn't sure if he had seen me.
Instead of pursuing him just to say hello, I continued walking, chose a machine and began my work out session.
I was on my final machine, near the Men's Locker Room, when I noticed him standing in the doorway, waving at me about to make his way inside.
I thought it was sweet and thoughtful of him to pause and wave. I had been so deep in thought I would have otherwise missed his departure.
I mouthed, "Hi P___."
We exchanged smiles and he disappeared into the Locker Room.
***********************************
Wednesday, at the gym.
I noticed him a few machines into my workout. But by the time I was at a machine that was within speaking distance, he was already making his way towards the Locker Room.
I silently asked for assistance to be able to say, "Hello" before he made his way upstairs.
I finished my reps on the current machine and then moved to my final one. When I concluded the third set of reps, I began making my way over to the water fountain next to the Men's Locker Room.
Out of the corner of my eye, just as I was approaching the fountain, he was making his exit and I just barely missed colliding into him.
Without breaking his stride, he reached out, brushed his hand against my arm and coupled the gesture with, "Hello." I responded with, "Hello" and then after a split second, called out, "Have good day."
He looked back, said, "Thank you" and may have wished me the same.
I turned my attention to the water fountain and drank my fill.
I then gave silent thanks for the opportunity to exchange salutations before heading upstairs to begin my cardio.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Dear John, Take Two
I was addicted to your attention and that feeling of specialness.
I had never been pursued before. I had never been as physically involved with anyone before.
Funny enough, your attention and this feeling of specialness was also part of the reason I wanted us to stop dating.
Since it appeared that we were not on the same page in wanting certain Life Experiences (i.e. marriage and children) I ultimately felt overwhelmed and distrustful of all the attention I was receiving. I say "distrustful" because the way I saw it, let's say tomorrow I came to you and said I really did want marriage and children and then you said, "Sorry, I already told you verbally and nonverbally that my interests don't lie down that path," I would only have myself to blame. Because, after all, when I asked from the get-go you expressed your noncommital feelings on those topics.
But I didn't know how to articulate these fear based thoughts and so I said I wanted to stop dating but that I really wanted to be friends.
Thing is, you offered me the friendship that you could and I found you guilty because the friendship you offered me was not the kind I wanted. It was simply "friendship" in name and far from it in action.
So instead of making peace and letting you be the person that you could be at that point in time without holding it against you, I judged you, found you guilty and then imprisoned myself in a cage of anger, unforgiveness, sadness and more fear. I say "fear" because for some time I actually second-guessed my decision to throw in the towel in the first place.
It would have been healthier had I just let you be you and not taken it so personally.
But I did take it personally and falsely operated under that assumption for quite a long time.
I can see that now. Well, I see that today, at least.
I was attracted to how smart and articulate I thought you were. I was attracted to how gifted a writer I thought you were. I was attracted to how charming and gentlemanly you behaved towards me.
Maybe I thought my own life lacked these qualities so much that I needed someone outside of myself to give them to me--to fill me from the outside in. As opposed to seeing my own self worth and filling myself from the inside out...Was I really that starved for those qualities?...
You are not guilty.
You never were.
You interacted with me as honestly as you could and to judge you was/is unfair.
Thank you for the message of awareness that you helped to usher into my unfolding journey.
Thanks.
RE: Speaking my Truth
I was not fully at peace with the aftermath of my exchange with the member of my staff because I was judging how he responded to my email. He did not respond in the way I that I would have liked him to respond.
"Note taken."
I was dissatisfied by that.
Not, "You're absolutely right" or "I apologize" or "I just wasn't thinking" but "Note taken."
Now, putting ego aside, we all played our parts.
I spoke up where I felt I wanted to speak up and in that moment he played his part as well by responding in the only way he felt he could.
Why then should I not allow him to respond in the way that he wants?
I was not fully at peace because I was still finding him guilty. Maybe it would have been different if he had responded with, "You're wrong" or "That's your problem." And had he done that, I would have had to address that and gone back and forth until some outcome had come to pass.
But he didn't.
He acknowledged what I asked him to do--he took the note.
Therefore any witholding of peace on my part, really doesn't make sense. Ultimately, I can only be responsible for myself--my intentions and my actions.
Trying to control his response or judging his response as right or wrong is beside the point. Looking to him to react a certain way as the determining factor of whether I am at peace or not is dangerous. He's not responsible for my happiness. I am.
I took action. I feel good about that.
As for his response? I must accept it as is and let it be.
Speaking my Truth
A member of my team expressed disagreement at my leniency in regards to Customer Deadlines. As he had made the statement before, I decided now was the time to address it.
I sent an email saying this was the second time he had made this particular comment and then I proceeded to state the reasons behind some of the deadline leniency. A few minutes later he responded in an email of his own that although he understood where I was coming from, he felt we were engaging in hand holding. I responded that we would just have to agree to disagree since I didn't see the situation as black and white but that next time, I needed him to be aware that making that audible statement actually weakened my position as a Supervisor as opposed to being a helpful forward moving comment. His response was, "Note taken."
This particular incident was sparked by a statement he made to another customer about the possibility of seats opening up because we were waiting on one group to make their payment. He told this caller to check in with us tomorrow because the payment deadline had already passed. When he got off the phone I asked him to check the notes on the account that still owed money and after some investigating, he realized that the group had an extension for at least 5 more days. When I asked for the caller's information (I was going to send him/her an email), he said he would contact the caller and then added the statement that I felt the need to address: "Well what's the point of having deadlines?!"
As I stated in the beginning of this entry, I feel as though I chose myself today--I spoke up and addressed something that didn't sit right with me. It's one thing to have opinions about my methods, but when its voiced in a way that is more detrimental than helpful, then I have only myself to blame if I don't speak up. I trust he wouldn't have made the statement had he realized the larger potential implications of uttering it out loud. But I had to addressed it and I did it in the best way that I could at that time and I have no regrets about speaking up.
I don't know how this exchange will affect our future relationship. We were friends before I became his Supervisor. I still have great respect for him and sincerely wish him nothing but the best. But at this time I can't help but wonder if because of this exchange whether a clearer line has been drawn between a Friendship and a Work Relationship?
Only time will tell.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Fifth Agreement
This particular agreement can be sumed up in the following words Be skeptical, but learn to listen and What kind of Messenger are you?
They ask the readers to "observe the messages that you're delivering...Just imagine that you are talking to a wall. Don't expect an answer. It's not for the wall to hear what you're saying. It's for you to see what is coming out of your mouth. It's for you to begin to see the impact of your words on everything around you" ( Ruiz, 216-217).
It's not about negatively judging what others say to you. It's about taking what others say and recognizing whether they are messages of truth/love or messages of lies/fear. Again its not about judging others, but clarifying for yourself what you want to take to heart or not. It primarily asks you to be aware of what is being communicated to you and what you are communicating and decide for yourself if that is the message you want to communicate or the nature of the message you think you are receiving. We can only change ourselves. If we are "unhappy" about something--what is it that we have mistaken for absolute truth that we allow our natural connection to peace and compassion to be momentarily usurped by lies/fear?
This is in alignment with my determination to be aware/mindful. I am interested in truth--which is really more objective as opposed to subjective interpretation. I am also interested in asking the questions I need to ask in order to see/observe truthfully. I can speculate all I want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather observe what is and not make assumptions...
"What kind of message do you choose to deliver? Is it truth or is it lies? Is it love or is it fear? My choice is to deliver a message of truth and love. What is yours?" (Ruiz, 220)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Feels Good
I woke up this morning with Mariah Carey singing "Baby won't you be my sweetheart?" in my head. Apparently my subconscious has a sense of humor.
But I must confess. I normally don't go to the gym on Thursdays, but today I made myself get out of bed at the mere thought of possibly running into him.
And when I got to the gym... he wasn't there.
Now, what I genuinely loved about this discovery was the absolute peace I felt when I realized it. There was no disappointment or longing. There were no conscious fear based thoughts.
I actually completed more reps on the weight machines and at the end of it all, felt really, truly great about my workout.
Now that feels good:)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
First Encounter After
He slowed down as he walked by me (and one might say perhaps even went out of his way to do so--but that is open to interpretation).
With him still in motion, we made eye contact and I smiled.
I said, "Hello."
He smiled back saying, "Hello Sweetheart."
I grinned as he walked away.
Just a thought
Monday, March 28, 2011
I DID IT
Disappointed, I went back to the machine I had been working out on. I half-heartedly finished a set and then after a quick prayer for Divine assistance, decided to go upstairs and wait for him.
It wasn't long before he came out. He saw me from the corner of his eye as I got up from the bench I had been sitting on and I waved to get his attention. Initially He appeared weary (this was the first time that I had initiated vocal contact--the incident from a couple of weeks ago didn't really count).
"Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" I asked shyly. Not really the way I had envisioned the execution--not as eloquent as I had hoped it would be. But that's how it came out.
Thinking that I had meant right at that moment, he responded that he was actually rushing to get to work and that whenever he left the gym, he was always rushing to get to work. He worked as a teacher on 114th street.
He continued with something to the effect of perhaps when his obligations finished or when his schedule changed, then yes (I am not quoting him because honestly 1) I'd be lying if I said I remembered everything he said and 2) I really have no interest in embellishing anything about this exchange).
I said ok. He asked my name. I told him--I had to pronounce it a few times. He introduced himself as P___ and shook my hand.
We then said goodbye. He left the gym and I went to an elliptical machine to text my best friend.
Although, we didn't exchange numbers or set up a definite time to plan said coffee outting, I'm ok with it. I want to have a healthy exchange with him. I genuinenly want to approach this with the intention of making a potential friend and if something in addition to that developes, I am determined to be as mindful and conscious as I can be. I ask for Divine guidance throughout our contact as I am truly interested in developing a healthy, spiritual relationship with him and really, from this point on with anyone I meet or already know.
I have decided to see whatever happens as unfolding perfectly. However it developes, whatever way it developes, it will unfold perfectly and I will practice mindfulness. A this point, I feel the ball in now in his court. I believe he'll let me know if his schedule frees up and if he doesn't--for whatever reason--at least now I can smile at him downstairs and say Hello. Maybe even find out where he works/what he teaches, etc.
I did what I set out to do--I asked him out.
And so with peace I quote Andrew Lincoln's Mark in Love Actually, "Enough. Enough now."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Chasing Pavement?
At one point, I purposely walked by him as he was doing sit-ups on the floor. I walked over to the water fountain, took a few sips, and then walked by him again determined not to make eye contact. I headed over to another part of the gym, got on a machine, and watched his reflection complete his sit-up reps. When he finished, he got up and went into the Men's Locker Room.
Now, the machine I was sitting on was a few feet away from said Locker Room. Watching the entrance to the Locker Room, I silently repeated to myself, "If I am given the opportunity, I'm going to speak to him today. If I am given the opportunity, this will be the day." When he finally came out, he had his coat on and began heading upstairs. Right then and there, I decided to try to create an opportunity and catch up to him.
I got up the stairs and saw him moving towards the gym entrance, about to make his exit. I hesitated for an instant but then shook it off and continued forward towards the door. He walked out into the dark, rainy morning and by the time I got there, I had absolutely no idea which way he went. Refusing to be deterred, I ran to the corner with hopes that I would catch a glimpse of him, prepared to call out, "Hey, excuse me, can I ask you a question?" But no one was there.
I went back into the gym, this time continuing my workout upstairs, intensely aware of not knowing how to feel about what had just happened. Thoughts fluctuated between, "Apparently, it wasn't meant to be--at least not today," and "Help me to stay peaceful as I watch to see this play out--however it plays out."
The next time I'm at the gym will be on Friday. Perhaps I should smile at him or wave at him if we happen to make eye contact...
Why have I never smiled at or said hello to him? My automatic response has always been to watch him secretly and then look away if it appears we are about to make eye contact...Why?
"Things that make you go hmm..."
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Same bat time
He was working out with the same young lady from yesterday. I had a few opportunities to make eye contact with him. But I chose not to.
"How will this fadge?"
However it does unfold, I genuinely desire what ACIM would call a holy relationship.
Can I get an "Amen?"
Monday, March 21, 2011
Observing illusion
I had decided to workout downstairs where the weight machines were before going upstairs for my cardio.
I had hoped to catch a glimpse of him, but I was also really focused on working out. It had been sometime since I had been downstairs and I wanted to make it count.
When I happened to see him, I was startled. And although I continued going through the motions of working out, mindful exercising almost immediately took a back seat. My heart began lightly racing as I wondered whether today was the day that I would have the opportunity to speak with him. With determination, I turned to my machine giving it my full focus, struggling to finish my final set and when I looked back, he was laughing and appeared to be working out with an attractive young lady.
In that moment, I was aware of the temptation to feel sad--as if I had lost my one golden opportunity. Maybe if I had spoken to him some months ago when I first noticed him... Maybe if I had spoken to him that one day a few weeks ago when we exchanged words for the very first time... Maybe if I had just waited one day after my workout with the sole goal of introducing myself to him... Maybe...what? Even in that moment, surreptitiously watching him happily engaging with another of Eve's daughters--a fellow sister in spirit, I was also aware that I was about to mourn a loss that was based on...maybes.
Maybes are not truth. What is truth? Well in this particular case according to my eyes, a man who I don't know from Adam is laughing and working out with someone who also happens to be an attactive young lady. That is the truth. Anything else I was tempted to think was an illusion--reactions to made up scenarios in my mind as opposed to the objective observation of the thing itself.
During the rest of my workout downstairs and even when I went upstairs, I genuinely asked for Divine assistance in seeing the situation honestly. She could be a friend. She could be a girlfriend. She could be his relative. But at the end of the day, what I saw were two people having a positive exchange of energy. And honestly, even in the midst of the temptation to feel sad, I was happy that they both appeared to be having a good time. I guess on some level that counts for something.
Well. I think, if I am still given the perfect opportunity by the Universe, I will still ask him out. Whatever his reply, I will be the better for it. Whatever his reply.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Gym Crush
I've never before outright labeled him as such. But I believe the label fits.
I'd seen him around the gym on and off for about 6 months now. In fact at one point I am certain that he noticed me glance at him. I like to refer to it as a case of "She's watching the detectives." He had walked by me and I paused a few beats before casually trailing him with my eyes. Imagine my surprise when I realized that he was attempting to surreptitiously watch me through a gym mirror. When I made this discovery, I looked away smiling. I don't think he realized that I had seen him watching me. But I know he saw me smile in his direction.
Ever since I ceased using the machines located at the lower level of the gym, I rarely ever saw him. He primarily worked out down stairs on the weight machines and I felt more comfortable upstairs with the cardio machines and free weights.
I apologized for almost allowing the door to close in on him, and he smiled somewhat shyly and said it was ok. He then walked around me, still smiling, and continued on towards his post workout destination.
I briefly entertained the thought of proffering my umbrella to give us both shelter from the rain and seizing this fortuitous opportunity to engage him in conversation. But as I was completely surprised by the unexpected close encounter and so completely unprepared, there was no other recourse but to let the moment slip away. And so with longing and frustration as I watched him turn the corner, I had an epiphany.
Prior to this moment, I had never thought about speaking with him. I had just accepted that while I was a member of this gym, I would watch him from afar--reminiscent of my actions towards many of my crushes back in highschool. But in that moment, it dawned on me that my school girl crushes were fortified by my knowledge of the young men through class and social interactions. Watching my gym crush from afar did not give me much to go on as to what type of person he was. And so right then and there, standing in front of my gym under my umbrella in the pouring rain, I realized I wanted to know more about him. And as I was curious enough, there was only one other possible plan of action: Next time, if the opportunity presented itself, I had to be prepared to ask him out.
I was over the moon thrilled that the Universe had given me this opportunity to run into him. If the Universe could orchestrate something so pleasantly unexpected, why not be prepared for a repeat--especially now that I was intent on clearly and consciously stating my desires?
Never before have I initiated asking out a member of the opposite sex (and I am well aware of several of the root causes of that underdeveloped impulse). But here was a potential silver lining on the dark cloud of lost opportunity: something in me wanted to be active rather than passive. If the Universe afforded me the opportunity again, I would not let it pass me by.
Dear Universe, I don't know anything about him expect that I think he is attractive. Please ground me as I weather the temptation to get lost in unrealistic fantasies (unrealistic because at this point I don't know him from Adam). If you give me another chance to run into him, I will ask him out for a friendly cup of tea. That being stated, I ultimately ask that this unfold as you would have it unfold because I trust you would have it unfold for the greatest good for all involved. And if that means I won't have another opportunity to engage him in conversation, that's ok too.
No matter the outcome, I can say without a doubt that it sure was lovely to have today's unexpected exchange:)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Enlightenment
I welcome your assistance with my perception of my current experience of life. I welcome your support, counsel, assistance in living from a place that rings true to my Spirit self having a Human experience as opposed to experiencing life from my Ego's perception.
I am asking for elightenment.
I release the "real" and imagined hurts to YOU.
I release the anger, passive aggressiveness, sadness, fear in all of my perceptions about life, work and relationships with others and with myself to YOU.
Help me to look inside. Choose the light for me--particularly when I have unconsciously chosen against my peace of mind.
Help me to always see as YOU would have me see.
Help me to come from a place of love and peace that surpasses all understanding.
I know when I have chosen against my peace because I feel upset or, more accurately, not happy.
I want to actively participate in waking up and I know I can with YOUR help in this lifetime.
Thank you and Amen.