While on the Leg Extension Machine, I happened to glance up and saw him crossing the gym floor. It appeared as though he was trying to decide which machine he would use next.
A few seconds later what began as a glance had morphed into staring and before I consciously realized what I was doing, he had turned around and found me watching him.
He paused, smiled and then waved. Automatically, I smiled in return.
He then resumed his machine search and I placed complete focus on finishing my reps.
At least that's what happened externally.
Internally, somewhere between his pausing, waving and selecting another machine, I immediately found myself making plans to stop searching him out at the gym.
Just like that, in the space of a few seconds, my peace of mind was suddenly on shaky ground.
I had been caught staring and even though it hadn't been on purpose, my ego began flooding my senses with 'You-should-be-embarrassed' signals. In turn these signals triggered the fearful assumption that I could potentially be making him uncomfortable--which was the last thing I wanted to do!
As my heart began to race, ironically matching the growing sense of dread now building up inside, I forced myself to stop thinking and focused exclusively on breathing mindfully.
Luckily with breath came the beginnings of clarity.
I needed to stop playing the role of Judge, Jury and Executioner. I wasn't guilty of anything. A) I hadn't been staring at him on purpose. B)I honestly couldn't (and shouldn't) make a case for him against me since I had no way of knowing what he was thinking and C) I should be contributing to my peace of mind--not giving into the temptation to sabotage it based on assumption.
I say "assumption" because all I knew for certain was that he smiled and waved at me-- everything else was an assumption spawned when Fear raped my mind. And as assumptions are not synonymous with reality, I refused to delude myself by making the grievous mistake of treating it as such.
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Now that time has afforded me more opportunity to think, I believe it's wiser to focus more on my workouts and less on P___. It just feels more harmonious to allow P___ to just... be (both physically and psychically). To be quite honest, physically, I've been reaching out to him with my hellos and goodbyes and psychically, he's been living, rent-free, in my mind for quite sometime. And in both cases since I've also been asking for metaphysical assistance in the interactions perhaps it's safe to say I've been trying too hard...
What happens if I just focus my intentions on genuinely feeling good and refrain from physically and psychically trying to orchestrate something?...What happens if I just let whatever unfolds unfold--letting both he and myself off the hook?...I thought I had been doing this (at least that had been the plan), but then today's trip down Fear street was clearly a wrong turn in the opposite direction from the road to Letting Go and Letting Be.
Well, as "It is all for learning," I'll just have to get back on track.
Letting Go and Letting Be, I'm making my way back.
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