Dear P___,
Without sadness, without regrets, I’m trying to let you go.
I really want to embrace peace instead of the chaos that threatens to consume my thoughts when I go back and forth on whether or not to engage in something as simple as making eye contact. Yes, I fear that even an action as simple as eye-contact is already fraught with my potential one-sided baggage.
I think, maybe, deliberately ceasing to initate interacting will help me to let go of you sooner…I’m hoping that perhaps, if one day, in the not too distant future, I happen to look up and find you in my line of sight, we will be able to exchange a friendly, innocent greeting, without my thinking a few seconds later, “Well that was a mistake” or “What’s going to happen next time we see each other?” I’m hoping to cease feeding that monster, insecurity, scraps of “Why-didn’t-HE-initiate-more?” or “What-was-it-about-me-that-didn’t-inspire-him-to-initiate?”
I know in my heart and in my mind why we do what we do has nothing to do with others and everything to do with the individual orchestrating the action/reaction/interaction. Those actions/reactions speak volumes about the initiator. But, at the end of the day, in intention, lies the truth and only one person is in the best position to honestly label the nature of his/her intention simply because they are the only ones standing in their shoes.
So regardless of what the reasons are behind your non-intiation/follow thru, as I am the one standing in my shoes I feel the need to move on. And the only way I currently know how to do this, is to cease initiating.