There was an empty seat on an otherwise packed car of a subway train. The car's doors opened and two people got on, simultaneously noticing and inevitably making a beeline for the vacant spot.
Person A arrived first and sat down, much to Person B's astonishment. After a few seconds of the clearly offended Person B standing in front of Person A, another passenger gave up their seat. Feeling perhaps the silent rays of judgment loudly emanating from some of the onlookers and particularly from Person B, Person A made a statement.
"I'm sorry, but I'm just really tired."
This did nothing to quell the waves of disapproval radiating off Person B and company.
I found myself wondering if the apology would have been necessary if Person A had not been an older gentleman and Person B, his contemporary in all things as far as the eyes could see, except for one. Person B happened to be a she.
I also found myself wondering if I was the only passenger not readily inclined to condemn the man for his actions.
Here in the United States, and clearly exemplified in the unfolding drama in the car, society expected chivalry from Person A. The fact that he realized this and chose to go against the expectation-- going as far as to "excuse" his actions by saying he was tired was clearly enough evidence to damn him as a guilty, uncouth character possibly disdainful of women. Or is it?
I actually commended him (albeit silently) for speaking up. It actually contributed to my not finding him guilty of any wrongdoing.
Now let me be clear. I adore a chivalrous man just like the next gal. I once went out with a gentleman who pulled out my chair and actually waited for me to sit down before he pulled out his own chair. Imagine my surprise when after a few seconds of fiddling with something in my purse, I glance over to find him patiently waiting for me to sit down. It was akin to something I may have read once in a romance novel or two. But I'm not in the habit of expecting men to be chivalrous and so won't hold it against them if they don't demonstrate chivalry. It's not the world I was exposed to while growing up. And maybe Person B was brought up to have this expectation, but again, I feel that Person A demonstrated his acknowledgement of her ire, apologized and gave a reason why he chose not to adhere to it at that moment.
Also, if Person A was really an uncouth misogynist, why would he apologize?
Why not stare defiantly at the woman or even go to the opposite extreme by completely ignoring her?
Person A got off a few stops later. Once he exited the car, Person B and the passenger that had given her a seat (a man) gave voice to their feelings. The passenger insinuated that he was embarrassed to be classified as a member of the same sex. The woman couldn't believe he had had the nerve to tell her he was tired--since, after all, she was "tired too."
What both of them failed to take into consideration was that he did apologize for his actions and that there were several reasons why he could have been "tired."
The age old adage, "You can't judge a book by its cover" comes to mind. For all we knew, the man could have been sick. Or maybe he had just gotten off a shift where he had spent the entire time on his feet. Or maybe he hadn't eaten his first meal of the day and he was feeling faint.
I think he deserved the benefit of the doubt. If not for his sake, then at least for the sake of Person B and the helpful passenger’s peace of mind. Person B lost out on a seat and it appears had her ego bruised over the matter. Not only had she lost out on a seat. She had made a concerted effort to get to that seat and then on top of that she had lost it to a man who was not obeying a societal expectation of chivalry.
If I were in her shoes, I too, might have been upset. I might have reacted with embarrassment or annoyance or perhaps (hopefully) even laughter (the latter may be a far stretch but not entirely implausible). With the exception of the last one, the common denominator emotion leading me to take the situation personally, feeding all the aforementioned possible reactions would be fear.
Fear that I would be judged negatively for not being quick enough. Fear that there was a particular reason that I was not deemed “worthy” of having a man do the gentlemanly thing by stepping aside and letting me sit down. Fear that had I been more attractive, I would be sitting in the seat instead of feeling as though I had egg on my face with everyone watching and thinking the same thing. But all of these fears would have been my issues--my own judgments on myself mistakenly projected outwards and then perceived as coming from somewhere else.
Fear sure can make us forget ourselves and abandon our innate claim to peace.
But much of this is speculation. I don’t really know what was going on in each other’s mind. But I do know I didn’t find the man guilty of any wrongdoing and I wanted to explore why that was the case.
I really do wonder if it would have been an issue if it had
been two women vying for the same seat.
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