At one point yesterday, I was filled with immense anger. Okay, I was filled with fear masquerading to the observing eye as immense (though passive) anger and frustration. Yes, let’s not forget to mention the “frustration.”
At work, I discovered a potentially huge mistake in its infancy and no one owned up to it. My frustration arose from the fact that it was a mistake that could have been understood had it been a high call volume day. Even a tortoise would have marveled at how such an incident could happen given how easy a work day it had been. I was also frustrated because it was a mistake that could have been avoided if whoever birthed it had been paying attention and I had asked on numerous occasions for people to pay attention to the task at hand before moving on to something else.
I could feel the thick, stifling toxic air around me. I was more than “hot under the collar.” I was swimming naked in a sea of fire (and I am aware that I emotionally chose to go skinny dipping in said blazing sea).
It was the type of mistake (it had happened before) that resulted in customers mistakenly signed up for performances taking place in an entirely different state. In fact the last time it had occurred, a customer claimed the busing had already been arranged and compensated for and that I had to personally fix the situation even though the venue she wanted seats to had no seats to accommodate her group size. I ended up having to check her account everyday until a week before the performance to see if any seats opened up.
Yesterday’s anger and frustration came from taking the newly discovered mistake personally and fearing that it was a reflection of my Managerial skills. And it's quite possible that I had unconsciously tapped into the unpleasant nature of that prior experience and had obviously not forgiven the mistake the first time around.
And the other fear based thought involving any outside perception of my Managerial acumen came from trying to understand what else I could do to drive home the need for my team to fully concentrate on the task at hand. Basically how to Police any and all potential problems as opposed to just being a Supervisor that wisely supervises whatever problems happen to come up.
I realize now that yesterday, I was reliving a past uncomfortable exchange and at the same time mistakenly viewing myself as being less than because of the actions of others.
Lesson 7 in the Workbook for students section of A Course in Miracles says, “I see only the past.
This idea is particularly difficult to believe at first. Yet it is the rationale for all of the preceding ones.
It is the reason why nothing that you see means anything.
It is the reason why you have given everything you see all the meaning that it has for you.
It is the reason why you do not understand anything you see.
It is the reason why your thoughts do not mean anything, and why they are like the things you see.
It is the reason why you are never upset for the reason you think.
It is the reason why you are upset because you see something that is not there.” (ACIM)
So according to ACIM the reason I got upset was because I was reacting to something that wasn’t there. I was reacting to something from the past. I wasn’t really reacting to yesterday’s seeming mistake.
So now that I've made it to the shores of Calm Relfection, what have i learned (or perhaps am continuing to learn)? As a Supervisor, all I can do is make my expectations known, lead by example and then be grateful for the times when I discover something before it develops into further drama. In the case of yesterday’s events, I did discover it before it escalated to another level. But while in the moment, I was too busy focusing on what went wrong, that I failed to notice all that was right-- or that the situation could have been worse.
I’ll be better next time-- I'm sure I'll have several more opportunities at this.
I’ll give it my best effort.
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