12/31/14 Entry (New Year's Resolution)

As I bid goodbye to the year that was, and look towards the year that will be, I promise myself that whatever storms I’m caught in, the ultimate goal will be getting back to peace of mind.

It might be a real doozy of a storm where my trusty umbrella ends up getting destroyed, and I find myself getting drenched, getting angry or frustrated because despite preparing as best as I could by carrying around that umbrella, things just didn’t pan out as I’d hoped.

But.

Despite the fact that, with every passing second, I’m getting more and more soaked, there is a part of me that wants to get dry as soon as possible. I can guarantee that desire undoubtedly resides in the back (if not in the forefront) of my mind.

So, this New Year, when I find myself caught in a storm, I make a promise to myself to remember that my ultimate goal is to get back to peace.  If I can get “there” sooner than later, then, “Fantastic!” But some storms are something fierce so it just might take me awhile. And that’s okay. I’ll deal with the storm in the best way that I can, and look forward to eventually getting out of those wet clothes.

Happy New Year, Folks. Good luck on the inner and outer plains <3 See you on the playing fields of 2015.

Writing for FUN 2 (Dialogue with Inner Child)

Peering into the mirror, she sighed.

“I guess I could have more fun.”

“More?!” Came the incredulous reply.

Lowering her gaze, the Woman stared at the half-pint reflection of her once younger self and silently agreed with Shakespeare. “And though she be but little she is fierce.”

Half-pint continued.

“MORE, would imply there was some already being had. And if for one second MORE you entertain the notion that you’ve been having actual fun? WELL, that my dear, would be the mirage in your desert! To speak more plainly, that would be a sham! And furthermore, to quote Mary Poppins, “Harrumph!”

The Woman waited a beat, and then with both brows raised, replied, “Don’t you think you’re being overly dramatic?”

“I say, Woman!” Half-pint drew herself up to her entire length--all four feet of her person. “The end justifies the means!”

In reply, the Woman furrowed her brow.

Undaunted, Half-pint continued.  “And now that I have your undivided attention, are we going to have actual Fun or will you insist on perpetuating Fake Fun?!”

The Woman was beginning to wonder if this was indeed her inner-child. Surely, she had never been this decidedly forthcoming with her opinions in her youth.  But something else Half-pint had said caught her attention. “What do you mean, Fake Fun?”

“Cleaning and organizing the house—even if underscored by musical accompaniment of the 80ties variety comes to mind,” was the saucy reply.

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the Woman. “The cleaning and organizing has to be done, thank you very much! AND, since I LOVE 80ties music, I should be getting high marks for my creative approach!”

Half-pint regarded her coolly. “Making work ‘fun’” the latter word emphasized with air quotes, “is not the same as having real fun! And while, yes, a part of me wants to give you points for creativity, there’s another part that sees that as aiding and abetting.”

“That’s cop drama terminology” said the Woman rather passive aggressively. “I don’t believe this conversation warrants that. I’ve committed no crime.”

“You’ve committed a crime against FUN!” Half-pint exploded. “You’ve been aiding and abetting Fake Fun to perpetrate Identity Theft! Ohhh, it seems rather harmless at first—you let Fake Fun in—dress her up as Fun. But before you know it, you’re in over your head and find yourself automatically reaching out to Fake Fun. All. The. Time. Well, I’m tired of it! And Fun is tired of it as well! It’s fraud, Doll Face! Fraud!”

Mirroring the weight of Half-pint’s accusations, and the sinking suspicion that it was all true, the Woman sank down to her knees and for the first time during the exchange found herself seeing eye-to-eye with mini-her.

Could it be? Frantically, she searched her recent memory looking for one example of having fun—real fun-- for fun’s sake. She turned up nothing.

“Oh, no!” Her whisper barely audible. How had she gotten here? “Oh, no, what have I done? What am I going to do?”

Satisfied that she was now being taken seriously, “There, there,” Half-pint called out soothingly. “All’s not lost. Luckily, I can get you out of this predicament, as long as you do exactly what I tell you to.”

And with that, Half-pint reached out from within the mirror. “Well?” she asked.  “What’s it gonna be?”

For a few seconds, the Woman stared, motionless, at the outstretched hand. And then, with a dawning twinkle in her eyes, she made her decision. (© I.O.)

12/25/14 Entry (Merry Christmas to Me)

One of the most surprising things I received for Christmas was a birthday card from my father, who made his transition last year. My brother found it, as he is still sorting through his things, and gave it to me. It's one of those lovely, sentimental cards with lots of words that speak to the heart. My dad was really great at picking out cards that speak to the heart. Actually, my brothers are too smile emoticon Of course I bawled my eyes out. But it was/is a perfect, perfect gift. And I believe it made its way to me exactly when it needed to. Feeling the love heart emoticon

12/10/14 Observation (Subway Conversations-- Parents and Kids)

I love listening to parents engage in conversation with their young ones on the train. I really love it when they take the time to patiently and honestly explain things to them (i.e. "Why aren't we moving?" "Well, the train has stopped." "But why did it stop?" "Well, I'm not really sure." "Did it break down?" "I don't think so. I hope not." (Announcement comes on that we're waiting for the trains in front to clear before we can proceed). Parent continues conversation. "Ah, so, the train didn't break down. We're just waiting until we can move on." "I want the train to move." "Me, too. We'll be moving soon...I hope.")

12/9/14 Entry (Keeping Your Heart Open)

Sometimes, keeping one’s heart open can feel like an arduous task. Replacing old patterns of shutting down, shutting off, “protecting” it. But sometimes, some moments feel harder to re-pattern. And sometimes, upon further investigation, it’s usually several “small” moments that have accumulated. Accumulated enough to pack a punch. A punch of hurt that can’t really be ignored. Or can be "ignored" to the point of one’s detriment. I see two alternatives. Either allow the hurt to wall up the heart to further hurts. Which would also mean walling up the heart against experiencing more love. Or, work through the hurt, all the while encouraging it to really heal... Honestly, I don’t want to wall up my heart. I’d rather feel. I’d rather feel free. I’d rather feel peace. Sometimes, keeping one’s heart open can feel like an arduous task. But I prefer it to the alternative.

Writing for Fun 1 (The Twitch)

She landed in front of him with a flourish. A landing that, in it's expression, called to mind an exclamation mark.

“Hel-lo!” She trilled brightly.

No stranger to her, sometimes, natural exuberance, “Hi!” He replied warmly, enveloping her in a hug.

“Before we begin” She said when they’d separated. “I want you to know that my right eye is twitching.” Vanna-like, she gestured at the eye.

Still looking down at her, he paused for a moment, his brows furrowed in confusion.

Misinterpreting the confusion for concentration, she schooled her expression into neutral-- to better assist him, in bearing witness to the aforementioned twitch.

A few seconds later, he gave a short nod and she visibly relaxed.

“So you do know there was no need to draw attention to your allegedly twitching eye?”

“There’s nothing alleged about it,” She replied, threading her arm through his and steering him down the sidewalk. “It is quite real to me and has been happening, rather intermittently, ever since I woke up this morning.”

Clearing his throat, “Well, I have yet to see a sighting of this twitch.”

“Well, naturally!” She said, suddenly stopping them in their tracks. “As we all know, a twitch won’t make an appearance until the most inopportune of times.” She looked up at him expectantly.

“Sure.” He deadpanned without much conviction and then winced as her finger successfully poked him, rather sharply, in the side.

Satisfied with his latter response, she continued. “I bring it up for two reasons. Reason #1, I prefer not to be upstaged by a twitch, so I want all who interact with me to have fair warning before their train of thought is potentially derailed by said twitch. And by the way,” She paused pointedly, “You’re welcome.”

“Thank you?” He muttered, still rubbing his side.

“And Reason #2, I bring it up because I want to face it head on!” She made a fist with her right hand and launched it into the palm of her left. “Let’s not ignore the Elephant in the room! When a facial twitch strikes, I know it’s happening, and all who can see my face know it’s happening! Even if Le twitch is not currently apparent, at some point it most likely will, and so now, we’re all prepared!”

He couldn’t help himself. “Well, on behalf of the masses, I thank you for your thoroughness.”

Epilogue:

He saw two things and two things only. Her approaching finger and the twitch.

11/24/14 Entry (PDA Olympics)

After several stops on the train, she came to the following conclusion. Either overnight, her person had become a magnet for amorous couples or she had unknowingly bought tickets to the PDA Train Olympics. She watched as each pair exited only to be replaced by increasingly imaginative duos, determined to “subtly” outdo each other in their public displays of amour. Deciding to go with the flow, and with only 4 more stops to her destination, she couldn’t help but wonder what future couples would/could do. Admittedly getting into the spirit of things she had already, albeit secretly, found herself handing out several 10s for Creativity.

10/24/14 Entry (Loving Ourselves)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about self love and this quote attributed to Lucille Ball. And then yesterday, I saw the following words (attributed to “Unknown”) that made up part of a larger quote: “It takes a level of self-love, of dedication and determination to live your greatest life.” Seeing it, I thought back to Lucy’s quote and came to the following conclusion/reminder: everything we live—the sum of all our thoughts & actions speaks volumes about how much we love ourselves. How much we love ourselves to think more on and do more of what is healing and nurturing. How much we love ourselves to have faith in and champion our ability to be well adjusted come what may. How much we love ourselves to be aware of when we’re entertaining fear thoughts or making fear based decisions masquerading as love. I can look at my life and much of the current energetic space I inhabit and see that the changes I desire underneath it all comes down to consciously choosing more self love.

So I choose more self love. I choose to ask myself if I’m thinking and acting from a place of love or a place of fear masquerading as love. And how might one know the difference? I think one feels it—predicated upon the conscious desire to know/genuinely care where one is coming from.

I’m going to work on it. Maybe you’ll join me. I wouldn't mind the company.  Good luck out there♥

I Ask for Your Help

I ask for your help
Sometimes I do things and I know better than to do these things
I ask for your help
Sometimes I'm jealous and I know better than to be jealous
I ask for your help
Sometimes I take things too personally and I know better than to do that
Human Frailty♫
I guess it comes with the territory
The quicksand of these emotions
But I want to overcome gravity
Or at the very least,
Help me to stand in the rain without getting wet
Maybe it's my raincoat that's drenched
And I'm confusing it with skin

10/8/14 Entry (Three Things of Note Before 8 AM)

Three things of note (to me) before 8 AM this morning:

Wearing a brand new pair of socks--fresh out the package. Don't know why, but makes me smile grin emoticon

Watching a little boy, probably around 9/10/11 years of age envelope his father (or guardian) in a deep heartfelt hug this morning as we stood on the subway platform waiting for the train. I could see the little boy's smiling face and could feel the love radiating from the hug. It was just especially touching to me because the boy initiated it and held on for so long and the older gentleman just smiled and let himself be held on to smile emoticon

Connecting with a lady I haven't spoke to in-depth for sometime and in the connecting learning of the trials she's been weathering over the last few weeks. I was grateful to have been able to lend a listening ear. Goodness knows I've been in that place where experiencing the feeling of being heard--the feeling that someone "randomly" cared to just listen and empathize-- has been invaluable.

Hoping you make the best of your adventures today smile emoticon Good luck out there heart emoticon

10/6/14 Entry (Have a Good Day)

Here's to a week filled with magic, adventures (big and small), compassion (for ourselves as well as for others), side splitting laughter (metaphorically, cause literally would just be messy wink emoticon ), heartfelt understanding, seized opportunities that allow healing, forgiveness and extraordinary (or delightfully simple) gatherings of love smile emoticon Why not ? grin emoticon

Good luck out there heart emoticon

10/3/14 Entry (Break Dancing)

Sometimes, I wish I could break dance. Or at the very least, do that one move where one ends up balancing on one hand and freezing in position for a few seconds. I think it'd be a fun thing to do--once I'd mastered it, of course wink emoticon Why? For the pure sense of fun and glee that I get from just thinking about it grin emoticon

9/17/14 Entry (Physical Therapy)

I’m going in for my first official physical therapy session today. I met the PT for the first time last week for a preliminary evaluation. I had been having pains in one of my legs on and off for a few years now and after consulting with a few people, I scheduled the appointment. Honestly, had I not mentioned it to a few friends and had they not mentioned going to a physical therapist, it wouldn’t have occurred to me. I don’t play sports (in fact as I wrote those words I found myself laughing wink emoticon ) and I hadn't really experienced really traumatic physical injuries. I go to the gym and have taken yoga classes on and off since college. I actually noticed the pains not long after I began a new yoga class about three years ago. So I stopped going. But didn’t actually do anything about it. I guess I thought it would go away. And it did. But would then come back. And then go away. And then come back. You get the picture. Meeting with the PT last week was great. It appears the issue actually stems from my lower back! I left with a list of some stretching and core muscle exercises. And since then, I have being paying more attention to how I move and have amended certain habits—habits that I’m sure contributed to the pain—habits that primarily happen while sitting at my desk at work or on the train, or standing tongue emoticon Looking forward to all of this getting healed. The moral of this story: speak up—you never know who’s going to be able to give you some helpful advice, and take note of whether seemingly innocuous habits are actually harmful wink emoticon

9/16/14 Another Entry (Memory Recall as a Call for Forgiveness)

Earlier today, someone from my past popped into my mind.  If I were to run into her today, I honestly think we’d be fine.  But my thoughts latched on to a particular memory of an interaction where I had found her “guilty” and I realized that there was a part of me still holding on to that belief in as far as it was connected with this particular memory.  I knew I was still holding on to it because as soon as I remembered it, I found myself pushing it away—attempting to bury the “pain/discomfort” I associated with it. But when I realized I was doing this—when I realized I was going to bury it again, I found myself wondering about an alternative.  Next thing I knew I found myself forgiving the person, the interaction, as well as myself for the roles we both played.  Forgiving it has got to be better than continuing to bury it, right?  After all, I don’t want to see myself as a victim or her as “guilty.”  And though the interaction might not be such a huge deal now, it was enough to leave an impression of pain in me.  And apparently, its continued to exist in the deep recesses of my mind, albeit somewhat quiet, all these years.  So, I’ve resolved to continue to apply forgiveness every time the discomfort comes up—however brief it shows up—until I can think on it and not feel the immediate need to push it away.  I’ve resolved to do that with any memories that come to my conscious attention and tempt me to reach for a shovel full of dirt.  What I’m taking from this is that although my conscious mind believes its moved on, if things are still showing up—no matter how big or small-- and my first reaction is to push it away, then I’m still housing some hurt.  And I for one want to heal the hurt.  I like to think these types of memories shows up to give me the opportunity to check in and see if I’m ready to heal the hurt.  If I am, then I begin to take those steps.  If I’m not, well, there’s always that shovel full of dirt…which is a coping mechanism and will continue to serve that purpose until it’s no longer necessary.

9/16/14 Entry (Not Going to Use You As My Excuse to Disconnect)

About an hour ago, I joined the mass exodus off the subway train. It had been a busy day at work and I had a bus to catch and one more errand to run before going home. As we made our way through the turnstiles and began up the stairs of the subway station, I noticed a young woman standing on the steps. As I was part of the outgoing traffic, I had a clear view of her. She was about three steps in, her back towards potential incoming crowd traffic, and she was on the phone. Her position on the steps basically made her a human road bump as others had to slow down while attempting to navigate around her. Taking in the scene, I found myself in the early stages of getting highly annoyed at her for choosing to stand there. I began to think, "She's obviously in the way. Doesn't she care that she's in the way? If the call is really important, why not go back above ground and away from the stairway?" But then, about the same time the annoyance was really starting to take root, another thought broke in. "I'm not going to use her as an excuse to get upset." And immediately, I was able to withdraw my attention from her and continue up the stairs with my peace of mind intact. Now, there have been countless times that I have sacrificed my peace of mind and in the process flung some emotional poison to those I've held accountable in someway. So it honestly felt really good to be able to stop myself from taking a trip to the Land of Grrr! And at the same time genuinely feel I didn't send any negative vibes in her direction. Who knows what will happen if I find myself starring in the same scenario tomorrow or a month from now? But at least today, in this moment, I can say I'm feeling pretty good about remembering to take responsibility for my peace of mind ♥ Just sharing ♥

9/15/14 Entry (Feminine and Masculine Sentimentality)

The other day, I read the following passage and thought of a conversation I had with a friend some months ago. She had mentioned how she wanted her now husband to be more of a certain way. One example she gave was how she didn’t need him to buy her things to show his love, but preferred he be more like her in sharing feelings. Now, I know the husband and he does share his feelings. It’s just he’s doing it the way he knows how which is different from how she’d like him to. I mentioned to her that she might be trying to change him into something that he’s not. For the record, they are both lovely, lovely people and I’m glad that they’re a part of my life grin emoticon I plan on sending her the following and I share it in case it is of service to someone else:

“The objects of feminine and masculine sentimentality are often widely different. To expect a man to assume what might be an unnatural form of sentiment to prove devotion is an unreasonable experiment with a high probability of failure. Why not accept his instinctual gestures of affection in whatever manner they are manifested? They likely mean more to him and reveal more about his character.”—SD, P&P

9/10/14 Entry-- One year later

By this time last year, I’d already said my goodbyes

By this time last year, you had already stopped being able to speak or give any physical indication that you could hear us

By this time last year, I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying

By this time last year, all I had of you were memories

This year, at this time, I’m OK

This year, at this time, I’ve made progress in making peace with your physical departure

This year, at this time, I can think of you without immediately bursting into tears

This year, at this time—and really everyday—I still miss your physical presence

But the love’s still there

And always will be

Deepening, in a way

Stronger, everyday

So, thanks for that

9/4/14 Entry (Navigating Emotional Waters)

By the time I had left work yesterday evening, I was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. By the time I made it home, I was tired, frustrated, annoyed and for the most part, feeling just plain angry. There were “little” things here and there that all contributed to my emotional state. And once all the “little” things had amassed into one “big” feeling of “Aarghh”, I couldn’t shake it. So I called it an early night.

This morning, when I got up, I made myself write in my journal. Not surprising, my journal entry was filled with all the things that added up to the emotional state I went to sleep with, and in the process of writing, a few insights came forth.

Part of why I was frustrated came from the fact that I was angry at being angry. I was angry at trying to shake it off and not succeeding. I was angry because although I believe anger to be a valid feeling, a part of me didn’t want to be that way. I was fighting what was and, being unsuccessful, pulled me further into the quicksand.

I didn’t want to be angry, but there I was.

It was an example of mistaking being angry and not being able to turn it around, as some kind of failure. I had basically judged and sentenced myself to being “guilty” of not being able to shake it off.

Well, this morning, I chipped away at that idea of trying to muscle through and get out on the other side of anger. The upshot of that exercise? It’s OK to get angry and be royally pissed. It’s OK to sit with the frustration of it all if I’m unable to turn it around. It’s OK because at some point, it will turn around for me—whether via my dogged efforts or when it’s run its course or someone or something helps to crack it open and let in some light.

In general, at least the way my life has been unfolding for the most part, I find that I am inclined to see the good, to bare witness and be tickled pink by random acts of kindness, to readily have my heart touched, to see the glass as half full and be grateful that there is even a glass. So, if I get angry, it’s OK. I will learn from it and sometimes, I just have to let it teach me what it might want to teach me by allowing it to run its course. If I make mistakes whilst angry, I know (no matter how long it might take) I’ll make amends as soon as I am able. Even whilst momentarily clouded by anger, I’m still the “good” person underneath it all.

Last week, I came across something that spoke about making peace with one’s shadow-- making peace with those parts of ourselves that we perceive as being, for whatever reason, “less-than” or not the way we want to be. Part of the proffered advice was, “Ease up, and be more tolerant of yourself. If you do so, these shadows will give way to light and healing.”

Well then. I guess I’ll just have to continue to work on the easing up and being more tolerant of my shadow.

Just wanted to share.

8/27/14 Entry (Closed Hearts)

Sometimes, it's rather tempting to mirror someone else's closed heart. But I've found it doesn't feel good. So, I have to take conscious steps to proceed in a manner that does feel good. Even if my first "instinct" is to reflect back the pain, and regardless of how long I hold on to this "instinct", somehow, someway, I have to remember I can always choose again. For my peace of mind, I have to choose again.

8/24/14 Observation (Dear Mr. Bus Driver)

Dear Mr. Bus Driver who let the lady passenger on this morning although you’d moved away from the Bus Stop, thank you.

Perhaps it touches my heart even more so because most of my life I've gotten from Point A to Point B with the assistance of public transportation. But what you did this morning was really wonderful to witness.

I was sitting on the steps of stoop-like-porch in front of the house on the corner of the street. You had already passed the Bus Stop. You had already made your pick ups and drop offs when I saw the lady running towards you. Actually, I heard her before seeing her run by me. She was half calling out and half muttering aloud to herself. The general bent of her speech was pleading for your bus to wait for her.

She ran by the side of the house. I never did see her face. Instead, I saw her arms waving in the air. I saw her long gray hair, cut in the style of a chin length bob, swinging behind her as she ran. And I could hear her winded exhalations as she moved her slightly full figured body towards the direction of the oncoming bus. As I said, I did not see her face, but I got the sense that she was a card carrying member of the older residents of the world. I came to this conclusion, partly because of the gray hair and partly because of the way she was moving. I could be absolutely wrong. The way she was moving and a head full of gray hair does not necessarily equal older citizen of the world status. But based on how her breathing underscored her words, I did feel she was moving as fast as she could—even if, technically, its execution could be described as more of a jog as opposed to full on running.

Taking all this into consideration, I thank you again, Mr. Bus Driver for stopping and letting her on.

You see, I’ve witnessed several Bus Drivers ignore others who have come running after the Bus has moved a few inches away from the stop-- even if the Bus is standing still due to being stuck in traffic. I can’t help but feel for the folks in those situations. I try not to judge the Bus Drivers because I’ve never been a Bus Driver, I don’t know what the pick up rules are, and I'm not in the Bus Driver's shoes.

I know the lady passenger was grateful. I heard her saying, “Thank you” as you came to a stop and opened the doors.

So allow me to add my thanks to hers, as well as an additional thank you for giving me the opportunity to bear witness to some kindness this morning smile emoticonHope you have a great day:)

8/23/14 Entry (Wishes and Prayers)

Whilst sitting on the steps in front of the house this morning, I said a silent prayer. Then, breathing deeply, I closed my eyes and allowed my face to be warmed by the sun's rays. When I opened my eyes, I saw a little, gray-white feather floating down towards me and finally landing next to me. I picked it up and smiled. I like to take this as a sign that my prayers were heard and answered smile emoticon Wishing you all a wonderful weekend, filled with lovingly answered prayers, wishes and hopes. Good luck out there heart emoticon

8/19/14 Entry (Remember to have Fun)

~Remember to have fun~

When I was in undergrad, part of my acting scholarship requirement was to audition for all the main stage shows--plays and musicals. We didn't have a Musical Theatre program--it was primarily Acting for the stage. But there was usually a musical production every semester. Now, while I did like to sing, truth be told, I was more comfortable doing it in the shower or as part of a choir as opposed to a solo performance in front of a live studio audience.Well, it came to pass that the school was putting on a musical and had hired a well known Musical Theatre performer/director/teacher outside of the school faculty to come in and direct it. So, I did my prep work--picked a song, went over it with a voice teacher and went to the audition. I made it through the first round and went on to the second round; callbacks. Now, it's a wonderful thing to get a callback. It meant that you were one step closer to being cast in the production. I did the callback and when the cast list was posted, my name wasn't on it. Yes, I was disappointed, but I didn't dwell on it too much until I got a call a few days later. I got a call from the director and she said she was calling to give me feedback. This was a rarity. Usually after auditioning for something and you don't get cast, you never know why and just move on to the next audition. But she went out of her way to call me and on top of that to give me actual feedback. She said that I had done a great job, but it came down to the fact that I didn't look like I was having any fun. Now, I was already taken aback by the call so in the moment I didn't fully process what she was saying. I mean, I heard her, but it didn't go further than that until I got off the phone. She asked if I had any questions, I said I didn't and then we said our goodbyes and hung up. But once I'd gotten over the call itself, I started to really take in what she'd said. She was absolutely right. I had been so focused on the work and doing it "right" that I made it more of a stressful situation for me. Fun and Joy ended up being the last things on my mind. Which, in hindsight, was pretty odd, since I loved Acting so much. Here, I'd been given the chance to do something I professed loving, but I forgot to enjoy doing it... I share this memory to say, today, remember to play, remember to embrace the opportunities that allow fun and joy to be a part of your life, your work, your day, etc. Sure, not everything in your day naturally lends itself to thoughts of fun, but there's got to be something in your day that allows the experience of fun. So, why not seize the opportunities that present themselves or create those fun opportunities yourself. Allow some fun in your day. I plan to.  Good luck :) 

wink emoticoGood luck heart emoticon

Signs

Before heading out to work this morning, I drew three cards.

ACTION, CREATIVE WRITING, VICTORY/DIVINE HELPERS.

It's practically screaming in my face. Take action, write, we're helping you, victory is assured. At least that's my interpretation.

It starts with commitment to discipline. Actually, I think it starts with desire and since I believe I do have that, it's then followed by commitment to discipline.

So, I'm off to write.

And I ask Archangel Gabrielle and my Divine Helpers for assistance with every aspect of it.

Thanks in advance♥

Must.Get.Out.Of.My.Own.Way.

Sometimes I waver. Here's the thing. I know...OK, I believe, that my life's purpose involves writing. Why? I love to write...OK, I can get so excited to write. When I'm in FLOW of painting with words, I'm in love.

Some years back I decided that I felt I could be passionate about writing children's books around the theme of empowerment. My house mates have children and observing various interactions has convinced me that more compassion towards and empowerment steerage in children can only lead to a happier adolescence and adulthood. Since then, I have begun three stories. Two of them are children's book ideas and the other one ...well, I'm not certain I can categorize it at the moment. But it's definitely geared more towards adults.

And I haven't finished any of them.

To be perfectly honest, I need to be more disciplined (i.e. write everyday--either working on all three or picking one to focus on each day).

Committing to this and really going for it, I feel would be empowering for me. Making my living doing this, would be empowering for me.

I am all that is in my own way.

Even Spirit is cheering me on. I drew three Oracle cards today: ACTION, SPREAD YOUR WINGS, BUSINESS. The first two need no further clarification. If there was any further light shed on the meaning of those two cards, I'd pretty much be blinded by it. The last card is connected to the Goddess Venus and speaks about approaching business from the heart, from love. Let love fuel that which you want to do and watch the magic happen.

It all sounds good to me.

I've just got to do it.

7/29/14 Entry (What a Way to Start the Day!)

The temperature dropped even more, overnight. I awoke to the sounds and sight of the wind rustling the leaves on the trees outside my bedroom window. It brought to mind images of an older sibling intently engaged on mussing up the hair of his younger brother.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with even stronger thoughts of Hot Apple cider and Pumpkin pie on the brain. This comes as no surprise as this weather, like Autumn, feels so refreshingly invigorating.

I threw off the covers and traded the warmth of my bed for a seat by the window.

Something about this weather makes me feel like I’m waiting off stage in the wings, and more than a little excited as I’m about to make my first on stage entrance of the night. It feels as though I’m about to participate in the Biggest. Improv. Ever... Life. Literally and figuratively…And I’m excited♫

What a way to start the day wink emoticon

See you out there today, friends. Good luck on that crazy, big a** stage tongue emoticonLet the games begins heart emoticon Hope you have fun smile emoticon

7/25/14 Entry (A Bird and its Muffin)

I am grateful to the teeny, tiny bird I saw this morning on my commute to work. S/he was feasting on a massive piece of muffin that had fallen on the sidewalk. I am grateful to this little bird because watching him/her eat was just what I needed to help brighten my mood smile emoticon Hope you'll experience what will help lift you up today heart emoticon

7/23/14 Entry (Looking for Positives)

It can be so easy to get sucked into the quicksand that is anger, worry, fear. A friend just called me, upset. I listened to what she had to say. I empathized with what she was going through. And then I pointed out one positive thing to take away from the situation. I was honest in communicating to her that if I were in her shoes, a big part of me would also be inclined to be highly upset. I told her it was OK to be upset--after all, ignoring the emotion or lying to one's self about one's feelings doesn't help. But I hoped she'd be able to incorporate remembering the positive as well, so as to help breakup the potential negative spiral that she could find herself in. I told her it wasn't going to be easy, but I encouraged her to try and keep trying. I hope next time I'm tempted to get upset and stay upset, if I find that I'm unable to see anything positive about the situation, I hope that I'll remember to call a friend and ask for their help in doing so.

7/17/14 Entry (Breathe)

Today. Tomorrow. Always.

It's important to be supportive of/to ourselves--particularly when things unfold in a manner where reaching for frustration is as automatic as breathing. Although, not deep breathing. Obviously. More akin to that just-getting-by-mostly-shallow-kind of breathing we all do until we realize that we need to take deeper breaths. I was reminded of this the other day. I was out in the world, walking and had mostly convinced myself that the folks in frontof me were not moving fast enough. I was almost successful--I had gotten to the loud-sighing-looking-up-to-the-heavens-making faces-internal-temperature-rising stage. But then for some reason it occurred to me to stop putting change into the overreacting machine. What was the point of overreacting because other people weren't obeying my hidden (although it's clearly posted in my head ;p ) side walk speed limit? So, I found myself consciously thinking along the lines, "Breathe. I'm safe. Everything's fine. I'll get there when I get there." Basically talking myself down from getting annoyed. And it helped. It helped because it gave me a sense of control. And the only thing I could control in that moment was how I was feeling.

Goodness knows I gotta practice it, but I want to give myself more support. It'll help me in working through the kinks that sometimes happen. I believe.

Hope you'll be good to yourselves today, folks smile emoticon Xx

7/3/14 Entry (Air Conditioner)

 I am sitting in my bedroom, across from the air conditioner. The last time I had an air conditioner was 2004. So for 10 summers, I have sweated. Buckets. Mind you, it's easy for me to sweat in Winter, Spring or Fall (though not as much)-- that's just how I'm made. So you can imagine come Summertime, the seemingly, great buckets of sweat I have found myself drenched in. IT's akin to feeling like a human waterfall--a hot, human waterfall. OK, OK, I was privy to air conditioning at work and on some of the subway trains (emphasis on the word, "some"), but not at home. And truth be told, I probably would not have air conditioning had it not been gifted to me (...probably). But now, when I come home, I am in a perpetual state of gratitude, knowing I can turn it on for a bit and feel refreshed (as opposed to the three fan I used to have going--the ceiling fan, window fan and table fan which all just circulated hot, hot air). If you are unable to get an air conditioner at this time, I understand--I have been in your shoes and I'm hoping that changes for you soon--that is if you want an air conditioner. Just know that when you do get one, you probably won't go back to fans. I am not (willingly) planning on going back to fans. (When I finished the last sentence, I saw a firefly hiking up the wall near my bedroom window. When it comes to flies, insects, creatures of that sort--if they find a way into my room, one of us has got to go...by any means necessary. I am happy to report that I was able to calmly figure out a way to let it out instead of sending it to meet it's maker. I think it's safe to say I was able to do this thanks in part to the sense of cool comfort that was afforded my state of mind due to the presence of my air conditioner. I said "in part." The other reason is I really don't want to kill them--I just want them to go back outside. But sometimes it's hard to remember that when there's a river of sweat running down my...everything). Well, this has become much longer than I thought it was going to be. I'm going to stop now. Just had to "give props" to my air conditioner wink emoticon

6/25/14 Entry (Breaking News!)

Breaking news: The small strawberry rhubarb pie purchased from the Farmer's Market over the weekend is gone, finished, no longer. It was last sighted yesterday evening in the company of a silver colored fork between 7 and 7:15 PM. It is highly unlikely that there will be any further information on the small strawberry rhubarb pie purchased from the Farmer's Market over the weekend.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming: "I promise myself aspects of this day will ROCK!" wink emoticon grin emoticon

6/15/14 Entry (Happy Father's Day)

Happy Father's Day♫ Thank you for the love and care and gift of your guiding presence--speaking as a daughter, truly, TRULY, it is invaluable. Thank you for always doing your best--speaking as a daughter, hindsight kicks in later even when unfolding events may feel as though they're signalling otherwise wink emoticon Thank you for being♫ Thank you♫ Thank you♫ I'm a BIG fan smile emoticon That's me in the stands with a HUGE sign, Cheering. You. On heart emoticon

June 1st 2014 A Journal Entry

Dear Lord,

Earlier today I became afraid.

I had approached M about retirement and asked his advice. When I had first planned on speaking to him about it, approximately three weeks ago, I was operating under the assumption that he could point me in a crystal clear direction. I chose to operate under this assumption even after he stated this wasn't his area of expertise. But as far as I was concerned, he had more expertise on the subject than I did and that was enough for me to convince myself that his insights could really propel me forward on how to proceed.

Well, he did have insights and they left me feeling anxious.

There's a quote, loosely paraphrased, that if one is depressed, one is thinking of the past and if one is anxious, one is thinking about the future.

I guess one can make the argument that it's not so black and white. After all, one could day dream about the future, laying the foundation of a positive, invigorating, joy filled experience.

In this particular situation though, I found the quote to be spot on.

So I asked for metaphysical guidance through the use of Doreen Virtue's Archangel Oracle cards.

In general, asking for metaphysical assistance works for me. Be it via prayer, meditation or seeking guidance from Oracle cards, it works for me. It's worked for me for quite awhile and so I trust my instinct to turn to it.

The first card I drew encouraged me to get outside. The idea behind it being to breathe in natural air, connect with nature, allow nature to help get me back to being centered and grounded.

So here I am sitting outside on the step in front of my parents' place in my pajamas and white socks.

As I sit out here taking in nature and giving voice to the thoughts in my head and heart, I have to say I'm glad I listened to the card's advice.

The second card I had drawn had a picture of Archangel Michael on it and was titled, You Are Safe. And it immediately made me feel better. It reminded me that in the present, in the here and now, I am safe. It reminded me that just as I am safe right here, right now, to trust that I will be safe come the time for me to retire.

It's important for me to be more conscious whlst in the here and now, especially since the "future" is comprised of my here and now--is comprised of anything I choose to do in the here and now.

I drew some other cards but the upshot of it all is I'm feeling less anxious and more determined and hope filled and trusting.

I took, as far as I'm concerned, my necessary steps to get talked down from that ledge called, anxiety. And, come what may, I'll continue to take the necessary steps to get myself back to center.

I make this pledge to myself. Come what may.

And I am filled with heart felt gratitude for all the assistance that I receive--both the physical and the metaphysical♥

Thanks for everything♥

Monkey

I saw a monkey in my mind’s eye. Rather unexpectedly. I asked him for a message. Almost immediately came the reply. Relax

Hope you take time to relax today, my friend.

LadyBug

I saw a ladybug in my mind’s eye. She popped in to say, "Hi." I asked her for a message. Almost immediately came the reply. Courage.

Be courageous today, my friend

I hope you Dance

With a white rose in one hand, Compassion, confidently dressed in a powder blue suit and wearing the sweetest of smiles, walks over to you with gentle determination. With unshakeable focus, he places the flower in your hair. Afterwards, sweeping his gaze from the rose to your face, his warm brown eyes twinkle with satisfaction, pleased with the overall effect. Faintly, you hear the beginning strains of the symphony. He takes your hand and asks, “May I have the next dance?” So what do you say? Will you accept the invitation to slow dance with Compassion? 4/8/14

4/4/14 Observation (Kind Woman Outside Starbucks)

☼Touched my Heart♥

On my way to work on this slightly rainy, Spring morning, I saw a lady gingerly place a Starbuck's bag next to a homeless man who was sleeping outside the store, and quietly walk away.

She made my heart smile♥

So grateful to bear witness to random acts of kindness♥

MESSAGES IN A DREAM

Salutation fellow sojourners♥ I had a series of dreams over the night and feel compelled to share one of them.

A friend (although I am unable to actually place this person as someone I currently know in “real” life), myself and a few others were driven to what some may term “a house of ill repute.” It actually had more of a museum exhibit feel with live action art displays.

At first, my friend was standoffish. But later on she let her guard down enough to comment on something along the lines of, “I can’t believe THAT!” (I know it seems funny to say she let her guard down and then responded with those obvious words of disbelief, but her guard did come down—that was the feeling I got from watching and listening to delivery of that line)

Well shortly, rounding the corner was her mom and a few other members belonging to her mom’s party. It would appear that they had been looking at the displays as well.

My friend was mollified at seeing her mom there or more accurately at being seen by her mom there. Her Mom seemed happy to see her though (It felt as though her mom was relieved to see her daughter’s “human” side. That was the sense I got from the mom regarding her part of the exchange. There was definitely a feeling of relief and acceptance).

My friend decided that she wanted to leave and the upshot of the arrangements was she would go with her mom’s party and I would travel in another car.

At some point, I had written out something to say to my friend about making peace with herself and beliefs about what was “right” and what was “wrong.” So when she hugs me goodbye and we’re at her party’s car, I try to read to her what I’ve written. But it doesn’t make sense to me. The written words literally do not make any sense. So I find myself having to improvise in the moment. The main gist of the improvised message is:

“Strive not to be perfect (whatever your idea of perfect is). Strive for well being…and the freedom in being.”

I knew that what I said stemmed from seeing her initially relax and choose to be somewhat less guarded before putting up her walls again when she saw her mom.

It’s important to note that her walls came back not because her mother was judging her, but because she was judging herself.

So to expand upon the message again: Strive not to be perfect (whatever your idea of perfect is). Strive for well being…and the freedom and ease that goes hand in hand with really, truly, being comfortable being.


(PS—While I know all aspects of a dream have meaning for the dreamer, I felt the need to share, in particular, the “Strive not to be perfect” message. And I can definitely connect to that message. On an even more personal note, I can also connect to the section where I became actively engaged in the dream, i.e. not just there as an observer. When I tried to read what I had previously written, I couldn’t make sense of it. But in the improvising, I found I already knew what to say. And so I take this to be a second message meaning trust myself more in the moment as opposed to having things all planned out before hand).

Felt compelled to share. Hope it is helpful♥

SPEAK UP

I’ve noticed my sometimes tendency to respond passive aggressively or keep things in when someone has said or done something that triggers anger/annoyance/hurt in me. It’s almost as though I don’t trust myself to speak in a manner that empowers as opposed to one that is searing and possibly volatile. And then there’s also the potential shaky-voice-the-upshot-of-which-maybe-tears-response that, intellectually, seems like it would undermine the dissatisfaction I wanted to communicate.

And so I keep it in. And then I blame the other person for it when, really, I have to learn to speak up about how the interaction made me feel (speak up in the moment or later as I’ve most likely been carrying the hurt with me ever since it occurred).

I have to speak up for myself when I feel mistreated, disrespected, aka emotionally hurt.

It’s one thing to be silent when I am at peace on the inside (i.e. when the interaction has not released poisoned darts into my inner world).

But if I’m seething and am finding it hard to reconnect to love due to an unsatisfactory exchange, I have to love myself enough to speak up for myself.

By holding it in and feeling like I’m holding it in, I am allowing it to continue.

Sharing in hopes that it is helpful♥