9/16/14 Another Entry (Memory Recall as a Call for Forgiveness)

Earlier today, someone from my past popped into my mind.  If I were to run into her today, I honestly think we’d be fine.  But my thoughts latched on to a particular memory of an interaction where I had found her “guilty” and I realized that there was a part of me still holding on to that belief in as far as it was connected with this particular memory.  I knew I was still holding on to it because as soon as I remembered it, I found myself pushing it away—attempting to bury the “pain/discomfort” I associated with it. But when I realized I was doing this—when I realized I was going to bury it again, I found myself wondering about an alternative.  Next thing I knew I found myself forgiving the person, the interaction, as well as myself for the roles we both played.  Forgiving it has got to be better than continuing to bury it, right?  After all, I don’t want to see myself as a victim or her as “guilty.”  And though the interaction might not be such a huge deal now, it was enough to leave an impression of pain in me.  And apparently, its continued to exist in the deep recesses of my mind, albeit somewhat quiet, all these years.  So, I’ve resolved to continue to apply forgiveness every time the discomfort comes up—however brief it shows up—until I can think on it and not feel the immediate need to push it away.  I’ve resolved to do that with any memories that come to my conscious attention and tempt me to reach for a shovel full of dirt.  What I’m taking from this is that although my conscious mind believes its moved on, if things are still showing up—no matter how big or small-- and my first reaction is to push it away, then I’m still housing some hurt.  And I for one want to heal the hurt.  I like to think these types of memories shows up to give me the opportunity to check in and see if I’m ready to heal the hurt.  If I am, then I begin to take those steps.  If I’m not, well, there’s always that shovel full of dirt…which is a coping mechanism and will continue to serve that purpose until it’s no longer necessary.