By the time I had left work yesterday evening, I was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. By the time I made it home, I was tired, frustrated, annoyed and for the most part, feeling just plain angry. There were “little” things here and there that all contributed to my emotional state. And once all the “little” things had amassed into one “big” feeling of “Aarghh”, I couldn’t shake it. So I called it an early night.
This morning, when I got up, I made myself write in my journal. Not surprising, my journal entry was filled with all the things that added up to the emotional state I went to sleep with, and in the process of writing, a few insights came forth.
Part of why I was frustrated came from the fact that I was angry at being angry. I was angry at trying to shake it off and not succeeding. I was angry because although I believe anger to be a valid feeling, a part of me didn’t want to be that way. I was fighting what was and, being unsuccessful, pulled me further into the quicksand.
I didn’t want to be angry, but there I was.
It was an example of mistaking being angry and not being able to turn it around, as some kind of failure. I had basically judged and sentenced myself to being “guilty” of not being able to shake it off.
Well, this morning, I chipped away at that idea of trying to muscle through and get out on the other side of anger. The upshot of that exercise? It’s OK to get angry and be royally pissed. It’s OK to sit with the frustration of it all if I’m unable to turn it around. It’s OK because at some point, it will turn around for me—whether via my dogged efforts or when it’s run its course or someone or something helps to crack it open and let in some light.
In general, at least the way my life has been unfolding for the most part, I find that I am inclined to see the good, to bare witness and be tickled pink by random acts of kindness, to readily have my heart touched, to see the glass as half full and be grateful that there is even a glass. So, if I get angry, it’s OK. I will learn from it and sometimes, I just have to let it teach me what it might want to teach me by allowing it to run its course. If I make mistakes whilst angry, I know (no matter how long it might take) I’ll make amends as soon as I am able. Even whilst momentarily clouded by anger, I’m still the “good” person underneath it all.
Last week, I came across something that spoke about making peace with one’s shadow-- making peace with those parts of ourselves that we perceive as being, for whatever reason, “less-than” or not the way we want to be. Part of the proffered advice was, “Ease up, and be more tolerant of yourself. If you do so, these shadows will give way to light and healing.”
Well then. I guess I’ll just have to continue to work on the easing up and being more tolerant of my shadow.
Just wanted to share.