Thoughts on a Prayer

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father God, I know that You have a wonderful plan and purpose for me. I desire to be in right standing with You. Show me Your ways and teach me to walk righteously before You. Shine Your light in my heart and give me strength to pursue the path You have for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen

There is the school of thought that you find something that makes your heart sing and pursue it with all your might and invite God to direct your path. There is the school of thought that if you want, God will direct your path--just trust that by calling on him and by affirming this, your right path will be made clear to you.

I go back and forth with the two schools of thought sometimes. On one hand, I love acting and believe that I would enjoy a successful acting career. But at the same time, I genuinely want to choose the right path for me and would love, with all my heart, to have God's direction--even if its not acting.

I'm always asking for signs. Perhaps I should ask for clear responses--that's really what I want, not some open to interpretation signs or signs that I just might miss or misunderstand.

I do know a couple of things for certain: My heart is good. I genuinely care and want to do the right thing for all concerned. I want to be happy and live from an abundant and radiant joy filled perspective. I'd love to be affluent and consistently and consciouly inspired. I care.

Dear God, I want to hear your more clearly. I place my life in your hands and call on you for guidance. I ask that your light truly shine through me. Amen.

Bringing a Truth to Light

I was told not too long ago that i was overextending myself. It was brought to my attention that I was putting too much thought into something/ people that at the end of the day were not my friends.

Part of the reason this might be the case is I feel as though I don't really have my own thing going. I am currently stuck in a routine rut that can be somewhat uninspiring (wake up, gym, work, home, sleep, wake up, gym, work, home, sleep, wake up, and repeat).

I like getting along with other people but there are times when it feels as though I'm the one making the effort and sometimes that can feel disingenuous to sensibilities. I'd rather focus on getting along with myself more and trust that my light will shine through without my sacrificing myself.

I'd like to know myself more. In 2011, my resolution is to be my own best friend:) Going to the gym, exploring different activities (maybe finally learning how to knit or looking into a tap/dance class), continuing with yoga, etc. I will be 35 this year. I would like to say that at the end of the year, I had a phenomenal time. I have been laziness inclined, but I know the diference between realxing when I truly need it versus being a bump on a log and trust me, at this point, its easy for me to be a bump on a log;p

I am still interested in an acting career. I really do like connecting to compassion and understanding by putting myself in other people's shoes and in general encourage others to care and be conscious. I also want to work on material that encourages forgiveness. And I'm also interested in writing (i.e.--a novel, a play, screenplay, an advice book, sketches). I would love to get back to singing as well. I also believe I will go on a silent retreat and have more reiki sessions and see more plays and movies.

I am open to exploring new things. I welcome Divine counsil and Divine assistance.

Baggage

I've been carrying around baggage and I'm tired of it. So tired.

The baggage is not of the luggage variety. In this case the baggage is a euphemism for currently defunct relationships.

In recent daydreams, I find myself wanting to set certain memories of people on fire--akin to incense burning, NOT trapping people inside a barn and striking a match. I am not pyromania inclined (except perhaps when I'm hot under the collar). But there just seems to me a sense of cleansing that comes out of the image of burning up unhappy memories...

Sigh. Labeling it "unhappy" begins to suffocate the memories and the relationships in polyester when really, I rather fancy cotton. "Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so."

In some daydreams, I choose to walk away from the baggage. I spy it from afar before it even knows I'm in the vicinity and then I make the deliberate choice to cross over to the other side of the street. Yes, there are some who would label this as Chicken but to those people I cry FOUL! Yes, the Chicken did indeed cross the road, but at the end of the day, he wanted (for whatever private, personal reason) to get to the other side. I want to get to the other side. I want to move on and I can do that by taking control of who I choose to walk hand in hand with, walk towards or walk away from.

I have no desire to insult or snub others, but I do desire, wholeheartedly, to give myself the gift of peace and love. I have to choose me. Especially when their actions clearly show that my feelings are not being considered.

I'm getting back to me. I choose me.

Thinking through my heart while in my head...

I'm working on allowing people to be. Trying not to take things personally or feel I have to change someone's mind or convince them to see things my way. There are instances where I, of course, should speak up (i.e. at work where I am the Supervisor) making the necessary decisions for the wellbeing of the general office population.

How would life be if I had my "perfect" place and making the "right" amount of money, was in "perfect" health (physically, mentally, emotionally) and working my "dream" job and in the "perfect" relationship with someone who was the "perfect" higher-self-happiness-growth-contributing-match for me and for he? Would I still want more? Would I be unsatisfied?

Chris Pine

Chris Pine.

The first time I saw him was in the movie Star Trek. To date, the only other movies I've seen him in are Unstoppable and Carriers. Truth be told, I have watched Star Trek several times now (and probably will several times more) and I LOVE his work-- I LOVE how fully realized, and honest, and passionate and funny his protrayal of James Kirk registers internally for me. One of my favorite sequences of his begins when Doctor Mccoy gives him a shot to get him on the ship. His facial expressions, his physicality--hilarity ensues.

I loved his work so much, that I began surfing the internet looking for interviews featuring him--both written and on-camera.

Thus far in the interviews I've seen, he comes across as amiable, articulate, relaxed and comfortable and that honestly, just adds to the growing respect I have for him.

Yes, he also happens to be rather easy on the eyes. But trust me--if he only had that going for him without his work and seemingly genuine comfortable-in-his-own-skin personality, I'd probably not give him a deeper look...Probably;p


Solely based on what I've seen of his public persona so far, I think I would love to work with him--particularly on a play or a television series where we have scenes together and we actually speak/interact with each other. I would love watching him, learn from watching him and want to bring my A-game. I am always grateful for anything that contributes to my wanting to be better at my craft, better at being conscious, etc, and I think my experience of him would yield this. At least that would be my hope going into it!

Quick props to Star Trek. I honestly loved everything about it--the cast, the script--the building on and moving away from the established canon. I really wished the DVD Extras contained Deleted Scenes and more actual bloopers. I would also have loved to hear an Actor commentary Track including Mr. Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, and Eric Bana.

Chris Pine, I am looking forward to seeing more of your work.

lines...

Dialogue

A: This kinda stuff just doesn't happen to black people.
B: Well, technically, you're bi
C: I didn't know you were gay!
B: One and one are one Emily Dickinson?
C: Everyone knows one and one is two. Who's Emily Dickinson?
B: Context clues! He's Bi-racial!
C: Ohhhhhhh!
A: Hey, remember me? The one with the problem? Thanks!

Love

I love you. You remind me that I can choose to be grounded and open. You remind me that I can laugh with abandon--deeply, loudly and with delight. You remind me that silence is ok and can be experienced comfortably. You remind me that I don't have to put up walls. You remind me to feel and treasure every heart beat. You remind me to breathe deeply. You remind me that it's natural to laugh and cry and sing and dance and fly and skip without fear of who may be watching. I think thoughts of you and find it natural to drench you in a rainshower of little red hearts. Thank you for being brave enough to show me your heart. Your courage inspires me, ignites me, reminds me that I want to be/ should be/ can be courageous too. Without fear, till contract death and beyond, I Love you.

I am grateful

Dear Lord, dear Angels, dear Friends, dear Universe,

I am grateful for my job. I love waking up in the mornings knowing I get to go and work here. I am over-the-moon thrilled about the wonderful people that I get to work with--people that positively challenge and inspire me creatively. People whose presence push me to be better at my craft and whose presence contribute to a healthy, fun, focused work environment. I am so grateful for this job where I make more than enough to live, more than enough to have fun and more than enough to help others. I love, love, love my job--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I love, love, love the people I get to work with and grow with.

I am so happy for the wonderful place that I call my home. I love my home. I am so happy and comfortable there. I adore the beautiful, friendly neighborhood. I adore my kind, considerate neighbors. I love the tree lined streets and the gorgeous park within perfect walking distance. I am so grateful for the affordable, well stocked, healthy grocery stores also within perfect walking distance. I can't get enough of the reliable, affordable and clean transportation at my disposal . I am grateful for my Inner Spirit room within my beautiful home. I love the peace and joy I feel when I walk into my home and particularly into my quiet space. I am so grateful for the joy of life that radiates from my home. Thank you for the clarity and presence of mind to enjoy it!

Thank you for my husband. I love how articulate, honest, compassionate and passionate he is. I am grateful that in each others presence we steadily become the people we desire to be. I am grateful for the great passion and spiritual companionship in our relationship. I am grateful for his being a phenomenal husband, best friend and a wonderful father to our children. I am grateful for the joy and laughter and fun that we consistently have on a daily basis. I am grateful for the love that just radiates from within each of us. I am grateful that we truly speak our hearts to each other and encourage each other to love with open hearts and encourage each other to be more conscious in each moment. I am grateful that we both love our jobs and our lives. I am grateful for movie nights and game nights and read-a-louds and bedtime stories and trips and comfortable silences.

I am grateful for guidance in raising happy, healthy, wise, perceptive, articulate, confident, phenomenal children who are so in tune with their higher selves, that they grow into passionate, compassionate, genuinely happy adults. Thank you for helping us raise these wonderful spirits who have bigger, even more fulfilling life experiences than both of their parents combined.

I am grateful for all of this...

And I trust the Universe and my Higher Self so much that with confidence I can say:

If not this then something better:)

TEST 1, 2, 3

I am tempted to delete our facebook friendship status.

After all I currently do not feel your actions towards me (or lack thereof) are an acceptable display of friendship.

But that being said, I know--with every fiber of my being--that Future me would regard this as childish behavior and while engaging in said childish behavior, Present Me would be upset that i had let my ego get the best of me.

In the midst of all of this anger/sadness/regret, I am reminded of something from ACIM: "I do not know what anything including this means. And so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learnings as the light to guide me now." I am also aware that the temptation to delete you comes from my one sided perception of the situation, and that the origins of this temptation to condemn was birthed from within. I feel, or I am erroneously choosing to feel, this way and that can only mean that there is something in me that needs to be looked upon carefully, and with compassion and love and forgiveness. I must be able to forgive myself and see my innocence if I am to readily accept yours.

I can articulate that I love you and want you to be free to live as you want to live--even if that means (for whatever reason) you choose not to respond to my attempts at reaching out. And so with the intellectual clarity of the moment, until I can see more clearly (preferably from the deeply grounded vantage point of Spirit), I will repeat the ACIM quote until the temptation to condemn subsides.

"I do not know what anything including this means. And so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learnings as the light to guide me now."

I welcome clarity. I welcome love. I welcome freedom.

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Can I get your assistance? Can you assist me in experiencing more of the blissful, satisfying life experiences that my Higher Self knows i would love, so that i can vibrate more and more from that place of joyful allowing and deliberate manifesting?

I'd greatly appreciate the help.

Sincerely,
Me

What I learned about myself

i was afraid
things were moving too fast for me
i was afraid
so i never put my fears into words
i was afraid
to be judged negatively instead of trusting i could safely confess my needs
i was afraid
that you'd disappear or be hurt
what's ironic
is you still disappeared and experienced hurt
so i learned
even if i'm afraid, honesty is more important
so i learned (am learning)
to be honest and compassionate with me, with you
i am learning
to forgive me and release you
i know
the Universe has always taken care of me
I Know
if we're meant to be in each other's lives
it will all line up
I know
no matter what happens i wish you peace and love
I know
I trust
I release

Lyrics

I know there is something for me.
I know I have somewhere to go.
I feel it in the air that I breathe
(Oh please, God, let it be so).
I'm trying to make my way,
Ain't got no crystal ball.
And yet if feels I've planned it all.
I am the map.
I know the way.
It's all here inside of me.
This is my destiny.
So here I go.
Come what may.
This is my day

Prayer

I let go of the need to be accepted by others. I let go of the habit of second guessing myself. I let go of taking anything personally. I am willing to be led by spirit. I am willing to understand. I am willing to extend peace. I am willing. I am willing. I am willing to let go of pain. I am willing to let light shine. I am willing to see the light. I’d like to learn my lessons and wake up. I’d like to love fearlessly. Help me to love myself fearlessly. Help me to see the light. Help me to move towards the light. Help me to channel the light. Help me to accept the light. Help me to forgive…myself. I am willing. Amen.

I-KNOW-BETTER RANT

I am going to let it roll of my back.

But that’s not all BUDDY. I am going to FORGIVE you. I am also going to forgive me (I didn’t really want you to spontaneously combust…not really anyway).

As I find myself conscious in this moment, I choose to take the potentially rougher terrain; it would be easier to be mad at you, to curse your very existence, to burn you in effigy (the latter would definitely give me a momentary sense of devilish, joyful defiance) but it would all be fleeting satisfaction (which is an oxymoron hence the glaring pothole i would encounter if i insist on going down that road). Truth is, by engaging in any of the aforementioned, I’d be giving away my natural claim to inner peace.

It’s one thing when you attack my claim to inner peace—whether directly or indirectly. You attack because you’re wounded and sleep walking at the same time. You’re looking out at the world with wounded eyes wide shut. But I don’t have to assist you. I’m tempted to identify with this but that would be reaching for the easy button. I don’t want to sleepwalk with a beam in my eye. For one thing, it’s quite painful, not to mention just plain dangerous. I have to be vigilant. I have to stay awake and take responsibility for my inner peace.

So go ahead; try to rain on my parade. But really, you’re just wasting your time; everyone on my float is singing and wearing a yellow raincoat.

Coming Clean II--Pine Sol, Bucket, Yellow Gloves and all

Dear John,

Okay. Yesterday, I cried. I know it's not all about you, but you seem to be the thought my mind wandered towards in this episode I'd like to title "Water, Water, Everywhere." Everything seemed to be going "fine." I was "living" my life as per usual and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, BOOM!: Sadness and Loss showed up and took me hostage.

Upon reflection, I am encouraged that it wasn't all tears. Somehow I was still conscious enough to verbalize that you were not the true cause of this pain. I was conscious enough to forgive, with blind faith and without being able to put a finger on it, whatever I thought was guilty in you and me. I was conscious enough to surrender our relationship to unfold in whatever way was best for all involved. I was conscious enough to ask for deeply sustaining Metaphysical aide.

When I told my best friend about this episode (it's the second time it's happened to me this week) he said I may just be grieving my perceived loss. He said it might take some time and that I should just continue to honor my feelings, release and forgive.

So, I'm writing this to honor my feelings and to be honest with myself. Intellectually, I know you have every right to make choices that you feel are in alignment/contribute to your peace and happiness. Emotionally, I haven't fully forgiven you, myself and my perception of your actions...yet.

Just wanted to set the record straight.

And because I consciously try to make decisions that are in alignment with my Higher Self, as always, may you perceive peace within you and around you (and I wish the same for me).

I'm sorry

Dear John,

I'm sorry. I was having dinner with a friend the other night and I realized something. Now, I've always known this intellectually and have articulated it in several conversations with close friends about our lack of a friendship, but somehow it hit home two nights ago.

I have been mad at you for not being the friend I wanted you to be. My dinner companion said she wasn't surprised that you disappeared. She said if someone she had been dating decided it would be better to be friends, she would be hurt and wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. She wouldn't be able to see that person or talk to that person without remembering that on some level he did not choose her in the way she had wanted to be chosen.

Now, please don't misunderstand me here. I'm not saying this is how you're feeling about the whole let's be friends situation. I'm just apologizing for any pain I may have caused you and any anger I may have built up psychically surrounding thoughts of you.

If I ever see you again, I hope to treat you with love and respect no matter how the interaction unfolds. If I ever see you again, I hope to find you doing well in life and love and work. And if I never see you again, that's okay too. I'll still be wishing you well.

My anger also stemmed from shaky self worth. I found myself wondering if I had made a mistake. But I know now that i made the decision that I needed to make at the time.

Good luck to you. Good life to you. And may you perceive peace within you and around you, always.