Thoughts that Dropped During Meditation on 6/29/21

I was meditating today and below are two thoughts that came through for me. Sharing in case it’s helpful:

1) I am, me personally (taking into consideration my mental and emotional and physical health, my upbringing, my personal circumstances as these all play a part) am always responsible for how I choose to communicate. If for any reason I realize how I communicated wasn’t what I intended, then I can take steps to amend it. Folks on the receiving end are responsible for how they react/respond to said communication. But I play a part in the exchange, so I am fully responsible for how I choose to engage from the onset and in every unfolding moment of the interaction.

2) Speak up with love for your energy and in ways that would genuinely contribute to your wellbeing. Begin with that intention of coming from a healthy sense of value.

With the above, I was reminded of an exchange I had with an Urgent Care doctor a few years ago. It was a Saturday morning and I woke up feeling I needed to see someone. I’d never gone to an Urgent Care facility before, but at one point, someone had recommended a specific one—this person had a great experience with a particular physician—and so, with that in mind, I made the trip into the city. When I got there, I learned from the attendant on duty that the physician I was hoping to see was not scheduled that day, but there was someone else. I told the attendant my situation and he listened with such empathy and then encouraged me to tell the physician once I was called in. When I met with the physician, I told him what was going on with me. His first response, in what felt like a tone of exasperation and aggression, was something along the lines of, Do you see this office? As you can see, I don’t have any equipment to do more than I’m able! His tone was so unexpected and felt so energetically aggressive, I immediately felt myself shut down and turn inward. I continued the rest of my time with him from this place of being less than my full self.

Widening my perspective on the matter from where I am today, in that scenario, I would take a breath and then, as calmly and matter of factly as I could ground in, give voice to how even if he couldn’t give me the assistance that he felt I needed, his choosing to communicate with empathy would really go a long way.

Now, I understand he may not have had accessible stores of empathy available in that moment or, in general, was not empathy inclined. But by not shutting down, and instead taking that breath and intending to come from a place of lovingly contributing to my wellbeing, I could have used my voice in a way that would have been healthier and more beneficial to me, and perhaps (if he was so inclined) to him, and perhaps to the next person who came into the office.

All this being stated, “shutting down” may be the best course of action in a particular situation but I didn’t check in first to make that determination. I can also admit that I wasn’t in a place to check in with myself—I hadn’t learned to take the time to put that into practice in communication when faced with someone projecting from a place of energetic disempowerment. Instead, I did what I had put into practice most of the other times I found myself on the receiving end of emotional/energetic aggressiveness. But these days, I’m setting this intention of lovingly contributing to my own wellbeing in my communication with others and am intending to put it into practice. So, we’ll see what the future brings 😉. 

The Look of Love. Seen on the Subway in Brooklyn

She had waist length braids, threaded blond and black up to below her ears and then singularly blond the rest of the way. He had on a short sleeved upscale looking black t-shirt that showcased his trim, muscled frame and the beautiful black inked tattoo pattern flowing up and down his arms. He had arrived at the subway car’s doors first and waited just inside the doors until they could both walk in. Once inside, he stepped aside, indicating for her to choose where they’d sit. And so now, she led, he followed. When they were both seated, she angled towards him, raised her left hand above her head and he met it, culminating in a lovely (and unexpected for me) high five :). Later, when they were coming upon their stop, he waited for her to get up, and only stood after she’d crossed in front of him. They stayed in this tableau; him behind, her in front facing the direction of their chosen exit point. And for the entirety of the short time we were in the car together, their energy— the way they related to each other— made me think of partnership, friendship, care. 

Thoughts that Dropped During Meditation on 6/27/21

I was meditating the other day, and dropping in, I thought of a mantra about being open to all the good that wants to come. But on the heels of this, the thought popped up to exchange “good” for “blessings.” The idea being, I have a fixed expectation of what “good” looks like and feels like. But, “blessings” to me, feels more open and I’ve often been on the receiving end of blessings in disguise.  So, being open to all the “blessings” that want to come, means, to me/ for me, being willing to allow space for a deeper internal conversation/ give permission for a broadening of my perception to that which shows up — particularly those immediately categorized as difficult. In the case of the feelings that lead to the perception of difficulty, absolutely honor that this is how its shown up while, at the same time,  being open to any blessings or paths towards blessings that could be connected to it.

Thoughts on the Modern Day Siren

Beware the modern day Siren.

You’ll recognize them when in their presence

By the way you’re, suddenly, enthralled.

They don’t always sing.

In fact, these days, it’s more common for them to speak and something about the notes in their voice, some, Je ne sais quoi, draws you in.

Why have the gods allowed such power to exist in the world?

Je ne sais pas.

Time spent with a Siren is a one-sided co-dependency; the Siren at the top of the seesaw, you at the bottom, looking up.

But know you are not without your own power.

And know there is no shame in being drawn to the modern day Siren.

After all, a Siren is a Siren and we are drawn to whom we are drawn, explicably or inexplicably.

But your power, as always, is that of discernment.

Is there a disconnect between the music and the lyrics?

A disconnect between the words and actions?

Or, for those deeper in their thrall,

Do you, periodically, awaken into lucidity with knowledge of missing time and a sense of a loss of self?

You always have the sovereignty to look deeper, to do an energetic sweep, to make more informed choices.

Be aware of the modern day Siren.

They do, in fact, still exist.

And swim deeper, brave the depths into your sovereignty’s capacity for discernment.

It might be tempting not to. But then whose life are you living? And who is living your life?

A Shared Connection and Trip Down Memory Lane

In the hardware store, the attendant ringing up my purchase asked how I was doing.

 

“Good. How are you?”

  

He replied that he, too, was good.

  

As it’s summertime in this part of the world, the last few days had been sticky. I expressed how wonderful it was to step out and experience such an invigorating cool breeze.

  

Nodding his head in agreement, he then looked at me again, cocking his head to the side and said, “It’s funny. Those words together, ‘cool breeze’, just reminded me of something I haven’t thought about in a while.” 

  

Apparently, when he was younger, he’d thought pretty highly of himself, and someone in his neighborhood started calling him, “Cool Breeze.”

  

As he passed over the credit card receipt for my signature, I replied, “That’s hilarious. Because when I was in undergrad, I knew a person who also called me, “Cool Breeze!”

  

We laughed at this seemingly random, shared connection.

  

I faintly remember the moment in undergrad when my friend christened me, “Cool Breeze.”  We were at rehearsals for a play, running lines.  During a break, almost as if trying it out, he said the words.  It was so out of the blue; I remember choosing to ignore it.  Then he added, “From now on, I’m going to start calling you, ‘Cool Breeze.’”  I didn’t know what to do with it. With the exception of a very short window of time in elementary school, all of my nicknames were abbreviated versions of my first name. And even that one elementary school exception had made sense given how it came about. 

 

But “Cool Breeze” seemed random.

  

“If you start calling me that, I’m going to call you, ‘Grandmaster Funk!’” I remember the look of surprise on his face. He wasn’t the only one; I hadn’t really put a lot of thought into it, but since I said it, I was sticking with it. And, true to my word, anytime he’d say, “Cool Breeze”, “Grandmaster Funk” was never far from my lips.  

  

Years later, many years before the interaction at the hardware store, I had a download of clarity that the nickname had actually been a bit of a praise.  Perhaps if I hadn’t initially filed it away as, “Random”, it would have occurred to me earlier.  I guess I also could have just asked him why. 

 

Anyway, how funny it is to run into someone else and discover this shared connection of a one-time nickname. 

Happy Father's Day 6/20/21

All around, expectations permeate the air:

Society’s, Family’s, Personal.

You juggle them, giving each, at one time or another, the spotlight of your attention,

Or, sometimes, all three, when they seemingly morph into one.

Against this backdrop of, sometimes, egos versus sovereignty, 

For all the times those in your care felt loved,

Thank you.

For all the times you worried over making the best decision from a place of love,

Thank you. 

For all the times you stepped away from habit to step closer towards healing, 

Thank you.

To all the Fathers parenting here on earth or cheering from Heaven,

For all the times and all the ways, seen and unseen, that you keep rolling up your sleeves, that you keep committing, that you keep loving, 

Thank you.

You, specific you, your specific presence, your specific way of caring, uniquely beautiful you, you make a difference.

Thank you.
Happy Father’s Day. 

Celebration of Breath

In this moment, I am grateful to breathe. To sit in this chair, close my eyes, slowly, deliberately, inhaling for as long as I am able, noticing my shoulders, gently relieving their invisible weight, then exhaling, consciously. In this moment, I am grateful to breathe, pressing pause on the myriad of life dramas readily accessible on demand. In this moment, I am grateful to breathe. And celebrate Breath. And luxuriate in this moment of inner peace.

Mistakes

I’ve been working on observing myself when I do something that I’ve labeled a “mistake.”

I’ve been working on looking at the story I tell myself about what occurred.

I’ve been committing to the learning woven into the experience of said “mistake”, and then being open to a more loving/ healthy perception/ response.

Take for example, the other day, I purchased two belts. They were the specific type I was looking for and I was so happy to find them, I just bought them. When I got home, I realized they didn’t fit. I began down the path of, “Why didn’t you double check at the store? Now, you have to return them. You could have avoided all of this by just taking the time to double check” and on and on.

But, I realized what I was doing and then a memory popped up of being in the company of someone, years ago, who was caught in a cycle of berating herself and her actions for a perceived “mistake.” At the time, I remember trying to reassure her but then letting it go because, in that moment, it appeared she could only continue repeating the story she was telling herself. Recalling this and realizing where I was headed with the belts situation, I made a decision to change course: “Okay, I bought the wrong sizes. Well, at least I can go back to the store to make an exchange or get a refund. Yes, I threw the receipt in the trash, but I didn’t tear it up. True, I did cut that top plastic part off, but I still have the pieces. And when I go to the store tomorrow, I can also get the other stuff I wasn’t able to get today because my hands were too full” and on and on.

Now, it’s important for me to say I’m making peace with however long it may take me to begin engaging in a more loving/ healthy perception/ response to a “mistake” I feel I’ve made— however long it may take me before I notice the unhealthy story I’m feeding and begin my mental shifting. I’m also making peace with the fact that I’ll likely find myself rehashing the old story again. I’m making peace with this because, no matter how many times it takes, I’m still committed to reconnecting with a healthier, more loving response/ perception.

It’s important to me. 

Mattress Tales

It’s been a week of perceived growths, some perceived emotional downs, experiences of abundance and giving thanks for said abundance.

Slightly related, I’ve been waking up the last couple of days with the words, “Thank you” at the forefront of my mind. It’s a general, “Thank you” acknowledging the blessings in my life, but it also includes a more direct response to my recent sleep experiences. 

About 6 months ago, I got a new mattress. The one I had been using prior was not good for me. I’d inherited it and every time I slept on it, I would sink. I stayed with that mattress for much longer than I should have. So, when I decided to get a new one, I went with a firm because I wanted something on the opposite end of what I had been experiencing. Well, firm is…firm. Even with it being a memory foam bed, it was, “Real firm.” Then I thought (more like hoped) that it just needed a bit of time to soften a little-- you know, like a hard avocado does over a couple of days (which, yes, I know, would defeat the purpose of purchasing a firm mattress if you really needed it to be that firm and then it loses its firmness in a short period of time. But, look, I was putting a lot of hope into my wishful thinking so... yeah).

And maybe the mattress softened, “a little.” I don't know. But I do know it didn't soften enough. My body has not been happy—too many pressure points were being created, not enough contouring for my side sleeping proclivities—and I was waking up to hip and shoulder pain. Now, I was already dealing with some hip and shoulder stuff with the last mattress and for the period of time I was working from home, the chair I used was not ideal, so there were other things adding to my physical misalignment issues. But earlier this week, I woke and knew something had to give (Get it? Give? Cause the mattress was too firm...never mind).

I decided to purchase a mattress topper. I sat in front of my laptop reading reviews, desiring not to make the same error I’d made in getting a firm in the first place. I finally settled on one and have been using it in the past few days. The sleep experience is better. There is still some stiffness I’m having to work out when I wake up. But it’s a vast improvement from how things have been the last six months. I share all this to say:  

1) If you are buying a mattress online, read the reviews. 

2) Search for ones recommended for the type of sleeper you are (i.e., side sleeper, back, stomach, combo). 

3) Remember that firmness & support are not synonymous (this is where I made my error, and hindsight has me thinking a medium firm would have been the better option). 

4) And if you get one and your body says, “Nope”, then do something about it sooner than later.