Welcome to a New Week, 12/27/20

Hello folks :) I stand with thee on the cusp of a new week by the end of which we’ll find ourselves at the start of a new year. In an FB exchange I had last week, I stumbled upon what I, ultimately, believe I want for myself moving forward in every moment, every day, every month, every year of this journey called, life: all the good and all the growth. I feel like those two concepts combined just about covers everything for me, personally. Alongside those intentions, I’ll continue to play my part when it comes to contributing to my wellbeing, as best as I am able— however that “best” feels like for me from moment to moment. And so, this week, and all your days ahead, in addition to all your personal intentions and desires for your life, I include the wish that you, too, experience all the good and all the growth <3 Good luck on your journey. All the best to you in your endeavors. Take care of your spirit. Cheering. You. On <3

Tell the Truth (pic seen on FB)

 

I am the Caretaker of my Inner Peace

Everytime I speak up about something that is bothering me, instead of sitting on it or swallowing it down because of past habits of trying to keep the peace at the expense of my own peace, I'm really proud of myself. And I'll often revisit that gratitude loop throughout my day: giving thanks for the clear nudge to speak up, giving thanks for listening to the nudge to speak up and giving thanks for the actual speaking up. Because I'm the caretaker of my inner peace and my inner peace matters, too.

Happy Holidays 2020

2020 has been a journey replete with change, growing pains, wake up calls, and the very (to say the least) unexpected. But we’ve met the experiences as best as we have been able in the moments of their unfolding and, the truth of the matter is, we shall continue to do so— recalibrating towards what that “best” genuinely feels like to us in real time. Wishing you Happy Holidays. Truly. As much as is possible <3 Lots of love and prayers for inner peace and quiet joys to you and the rest of your 2020. And even more love, prayers for inner peace and raise-the-roof levels of joy to you and your 2021 <3 All the best on your journey and with your endeavors. Cheering. You. On.

Why?

I’ve been thinking about energetic boundaries and those instances when my intuition communicates something to me and it feels right for me but I don’t feel a pull or feel it’s warranted or necessary to explain it.  I’m talking about scenarios where someone decides I should purchase something or put money towards something that doesn’t speak to me or take on an activity that, again, doesn’t speak to me.  If you proffer a suggestion to a friend or even an adult family member, and they’re not interested in pursuing it and they say, “No, I’m not interested,” they’ve given you their answer. That should be enough. You proffered something, the person isn’t interested and said so. To ask them, “why?” is often stated, though I admit not always (but all parties involved can tell when it is), in a way that asks for them to defend their disinterest. Then, in that particular scenario, this is usually followed by you trying to convince them to change their mind. This shows you’re not listening to them, not respecting their right to say no and are now engaging in ignoring energetic boundaries. Respect their decision. Feel free to add, “If you change your mind...” Otherwise, honor their sovereignty.

When I wrote the above, a friend replied that she follows up a why with, “Tell me why you want to know why.” I liked that.  It can bring additional insights for both parties— for the one asking and especially for the person initially questioning the why out of an unconscious habit. 

I say unconscious habit because in some cases, this could’ve been learned as a child navigating rules and expectations from guardians/ adults. In many of those situations, saying no just wasn’t accepted and honored. And while I can understand in some of those cases why the guardian/ adult asks that follow up why, it’s also easy for the guardian to feel unconsciously  “owed” an explanation as opposed to genuinely wanting to hear the why and make a conscious decision on how to respond once the why has been answered.  

But the question, “Tell me why you want to know why,” presents an opportunity for an unconscious habit to be examined — “why do I really  need to know and where am I really coming from?”

After writing all of that, I thought of children who ask their guardians why and get the reply, “Because I said so.” But the thing is, I think children should be given more conscious answers because they are children and are learning to process the world via their experiences and interactions and taking more conscious time to explain can help towards raising them to be more conscious as they grow in the world.

The Cicadas are Coming

The other day, I read that late spring of 2021 marks the 17 year resurgence of the cicada and they will likely make an appearance in New York.  So, for the record, based on past experiences, I would rather they didn’t 😬 Seventeen years ago, I last encountered them in Cincinnati, Ohio. I have a memory of one of my roommates at the time, screaming downstairs when a loudly chirping cicada got trapped in her jacket with her still in it.  That was the incident that led to the rule that no one (there were three of us) was allowed to let a cicada come upstairs and into the apartment with them. Ever. Seventeen years prior to that was my first encounter with cicadas in Silver Spring, Maryland. I was in elementary school and have a memory of being chased across the playground during recess by cicada carrying “friends” while thousands of their kin chirped all around me as far as my eyes could see. There was also the inescapable crunch of cicadas being trampled underfoot because, again, as far as the eyes could see meant they were everywhere. So, I was either being chased by giggling “friends”, or the poor cicadas were blindly launching themselves at me, or they were being stepped on because they covered every available outdoor surface. I’d rather not make new cicada memories for 2021😬

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/what-is-brood-x-us-cicada-infestation-coming-in-2021/#app

Leaves

 So, although it’s winter here in my part of the world, fall is holding on pretty strongly.  And with fall, comes leaves.  Falling.  Thing is, that’s a pretty normal sight when you have trees on the property.  But it’s a puzzlement when you don’t.  Like you go outside and look up towards the sky and there are no trees in your sightline.  But once you start actively searching further out towards other people’s property, you see the trees.  That are shedding their leaves.  These leaves make their way over to where I live and camp outside my front door which happens to be my landlord’s backyard. And because the leaves will literally be right there when I open the door, I get a broom to sweep them out of the way, otherwise, they’ll come inside with me. And that’s no good. So, I sweep and then go about my business.  A few hours later, I’ll open the front door to run to the mailbox, or to go put something in the recycling bin, and it’s like I never swept.  I am greeted by leaves.  As far as the eyes can see.  It’s like they’re a crowd camped out for an outdoor concert, and I’m the one on stage.  So, once again, I get the broom and sweep them out of the way.  Now, you might be thinking, “Aren’t those just the leaves you swept up earlier?” No, dear reader. No. That pile is still where I swept it.  These are newly arrived leaves.  It’s gotten to the point where after I’ve swept and have gone inside, and I hear the crawling of leaves on the concrete, I have to laugh.  Because I can envision them crawling closer and closer to my front door, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Except to sweep. And laugh.  Sometimes.  And accept this as my fate in the fall.  On a related note, I used to think the sound was actually creepy.  Seriously, next time you’re indoors, and maybe it’s night time, and you hear leaves crawling around on the concrete outside, see if it doesn’t sound creepy to you. It might just be me.  Let me know.   It’d be a good twist to a horror movie.  The main character is indoors, hears the creeping, crawling leaves, dismisses it.  But when she opens the door??!  Well, it’s something unexpected.

Remember Love

 The other day, I was reminded of love— the importance of choosing to remember to be open to it for the life I’m trying to live. I can’t tell you how many times love hasn’t been the first, second or third thing I’ve considered when face to face with certain relationships or situations in my personal life, not to mention when viewing certain things in the world at large. Thing is, I do believe in love. I do believe in the power of love and the importance of love in how I navigate my journey.  So, with the recent reminder, I’m promising myself to return to the thought of/ to the desire of genuinely reconnecting to it even if I’m not clear on how to get there in the moment.  I’m not saying I’m going to lie to myself and say, “I love,” when I’m not feeling the energy. But I can always say, “Help me get to love, however that looks in regards to this relationship or this situation, however long it takes.” Ultimately, I want to take that step towards that direction instead of just swimming in the story of why what’s happening isn’t ideal or why that person is the problem.  Again, I’m going to honor the feelings that come up in the moment— after all, they’re communicating something important to me.  But I want to remember at some point, while I’m feeling and working through those present feelings, that I genuinely, ultimately, desire some help in reconnecting to love and I’m open to how it manifests.

Father’s Day 2020

It’ll be 7 years this September since my father made his transition. And still I wish I could hug him. I loved him very much and yet there are things I wish I could have done differently. That being said, the clarity of that knowledge, and perhaps a gift, as it came in the wake of his passing, has definitely influenced aspects of my relationship with my mom in the best of ways. I hope 😉🙂 Wishing all the dear fathers a Happy Father’s Day ♥️And to the sons and daughters missing their fathers, holding heart space for you and enveloping you in love♥️

My Niece, What a Gift

The other day, I FaceTimed with one of my brothers to check in and see how he was doing. He was a little preoccupied with some home improvement work, but we spoke for a bit and afterwards, I asked if my niece was around and what she was up to.  He said she was watching television. As television is not the norm for her at their house, I asked if he thought she’d want to speak with me, to which he replied she always wants to speak with me. So he handed the phone over and her gorgeous smile lit up my screen. 

As with her father, we chatted for a bit and then I said I’d let her get back to watching her show, but wondered if her mom was around. She said she was and was doing some work. I said something along the lines of not wanting to interrupt her then. To which my 6 year old niece replied, she didn’t think that would be a problem. She didn’t think her mom would be too busy to say hello especially since they all loved me.  And in that moment, I added this exchange to the many unexpected and treasured memories that I’ve thus far experienced involving this bright light of a gift to our family ♥️ Then taking me to her mom, she blew goodbye kisses, before handing over the phone. 

Her mother and I ended up speaking for about twenty minutes 😊

Thought Rambles— Children Deserve

 I love my mother.

And when I question her stance on a subject, she’ll eventually reply that when she was growing up, she listened quietly when the grownups spoke and never interrupted. 

I believe her. I do. It was a different time. It was a different culture. I don’t for a second doubt that she listened quietly.

But I wasn’t there so I can’t say if that was the right thing to do, because older doesn’t necessarily equal wisdom. It does in some cases until it doesn’t. Being an “adult” does not mean you suddenly have a monopoly on wisdom.

And I’m not my mother. I’m me. And now that I’m older and have had my own life experiences to draw from and have done some observation of the world around me, there’s a good chance that I’ll speak up if I don’t agree with something the other adults are saying. Not to be antagonistic, not to be disrespectful but to question why certain perspectives are being embraced especially when from where I stand it looks an awful lot like inviting more pain into that person’s life. And not the, “that which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” pain but more along the lines of that “is the opinion that fire cannot melt out of me. I will die at the stake” variety.

I believe that the next generation has the potential to help heal perspectives   held and perpetuated by their parents because, in many cases— though not all— what mom and dad knew was based on how they observed and related to their mothers and fathers. For example, based on my experiences and observations, I now understand the difference between discipline and punishment and I can tell you that many of West African descent of a certain age, growing up, only knew punishment, (though those doling it out would call it, “discipline”) because of their parent’s own upbringing that if you “spare the rod you spoil the child.”

I now know that adage isn’t true. 

Children deserve your consciousness, your presence. They deserve the best that you can offer from a place of love. They deserve everything that can help them thrive and grow their heart, their self esteem, their wisdom. 

Impending Job Search

 Amongst other things on the list, nothing like the feelings surrounding an impending job search to have one questioning their confidence in their marketable abilities.

The tremors in the fault lines of one’s confidence can be attributed to feelings of self worth. Specifically how you’ll be judged by the hiring manager. 

When I’ve felt those tremors, it’s often because I’ve momentarily abandoned myself. Momentarily relinquished perceptions of me to inhabit the skin of this, often faceless, other. An “other” who I imagine is more so against me than for me. Which is an odd way to view someone who, by the very fact of taking applications and resumes and, eventually, meetings, does want to fill the position. 

Sooner or later, hopefully arriving quickly to the former, I return to myself. I breathe and breathe until the stomach butterflies settle. And then, and only then, I look at the things in my control: a resume, a cover letter, an interview outfit, getting help with any of the first three from someone I trust— someone I know or someone who specializes, at the very least, in the first two, — prayer or a kick ass affirmation or the employment of both. Take control of what you can control and allow all that isn’t in your control to be. After all, since you can’t control it, any attempts is expending energy that can be better spent elsewhere.

This is also a time to mentally swim in some positives. You can think of what you’re grateful for in your life. It doesn’t matter how many things and the only requirement is that it’s something you’re grateful for (ie the fact that pancakes exists in the world, or a particular song that moves you, or your amazing, intelligent, big hearted, beautiful niece, etc). Or you can think about what you’ve grown through in life. This might include what you consider to be tangible accomplishments (ie, you graduated high school) or those that are even more personally nourishing (that time you spoke up because it felt like the thing you needed to do). The point is to comeback to yourself and give voice or give thought to and actively witness some of the experiences that have positively contributed to how you’ve moved through your life thus far. 

Peeom

“Peeom.” That’s what it sounded like to me. ”Peeom. Peeom. Peeom. Peeom. Peeom. Peeom.” And on. And on. And— you get the picture. “Peeom.” Seemingly all through the night. Felt like all through the night. It had a slightly high pitched, nasally, video game like quality with the sustained constancy of the latter. A constancy that has me thinking of the painting, The Scream. Because it literally made me want to. Because it was nighttime and I was trying to sleep.  I got up a few times and opened the door and the sound stopped. But then I’d get back in bed— sometimes even before I made it in— and then I’d hear, “Peeom. Peeom. Peeom.” At one point, I opened the door fully and found the sound maker a few feet away, lying in the landlord’s garden. A cat. Still lying there as I stood in the doorway, not appearing to be in distress, said cat just looked at me.  I think I said something along the lines of, “Really? Could you stop?!” before going back inside. Imagine my surprise at the silence that followed! It was the type of moment one might see on a television show where the neighbor has been woken up in the middle of the night by noises — perhaps furniture being moved around upstairs. Looks at the clock—it’s almost 2 am?!! Gets up, grabs the long handle of a broom and raps hard against the ceiling in protest. In the television show, his efforts lead to victory. Silence and order is returned. He puts the broom away, gets into bed, turns off the lamp, snuggles deeper under the covers. And then, “Peeom. Peeom. Peeom.” And that’s how it stayed until sometime around 6am.

Thoughts on Being Responsible versus Feeling Responsible

There’s a difference between being responsible (I.e you’re in a position that comes with accepted expectations) versus feeling responsible (I.e, emotionally/ energetically taking on something that might or might not be yours to carry). Just a thought I needed to give voice to to help me differentiate between the two and help me remember, especially with the latter example, that before piling on the mental/ emotional/ energetic weight, to really look and see what is mine to carry and what isn’t. 

Good luck with your today. Holding space for the best possible journey and outcome. And cheering you on 🙂

Returning to Love

Remember to breathe.

When you catch yourself entertaining old habits that you promised to gently free yourself from.

And pat yourself on the shoulder every time you succeed in keeping that promise.

As for the moments when you give into the habits? 

Acknowledge what happened.

Then make that promise to yourself again. Gently. Kindly.

And give yourself props for every fresh moment you choose to return to love.

It’s okay to feel how you feel

It’s okay to feel how you feel

It doesn’t mean you have to feel this way about this person, this interaction, this place, this thing, forever. 

And it’s more than okay when something happens and now you feel differently 

It doesn’t negate or devalue the feelings you had even seconds ago

It doesn’t mean you have to doubt or abandon the part of you that felt those feelings so strongly,

The part of you that would have sworn on a stack of bibles that this was how you were feeling.

So you’re feeling something else now,

Something unlike what you felt before has now rented space.

And that’s perfectly okay.

It just means you’re staying present to your feelings and allowing yourself to embrace the flow.

And that’s, always, more than okay.

Welcome to a new week/ Cheering you on

“Arrange whatever pieces come your way”— Virginia Woolf

“Dwell in possibly”— Emily Dickinson

Two quotes I hadn’t thought about in a long time that, literally, popped into my head, in that order, over the weekend.

And so, as we embark upon this new week, I share them as encouragement to, hopefully, help in navigating the journey.  Good luck with everything. Holding space for the best possible outcome. Sending love. Cheering you on💛✨✨✨

Happy Mother’s Day, May 2020

In my part of the world, today is celebrated as Mother’s Day. And though this day is singled out, I’d like to take a moment to say to everyone who mothers every day, and to all who’ve ever mothered— emphasis on the verbs in both cases intended— you’re all rock stars. Every single one of you. I’ve babysat infants. Only babysat. And those were just infants.  So yeah, rock stars. Thank you for all the hard decisions you make, thank you for your hard work, thank you for the love you give, thank you for all the time spent on and behind the scenes. Just wanted to give a shout out from someone navigating this world with your children (no matter how old they might be). Thank you 💛✨✨✨

Shelter from the Rain. Seen in Brooklyn.

This was an observation from early March that I never got around to posting until now.

A thoroughly rainy morning. So wet that, if you could afford to, it’s skipping-travels-into-the-outside-world weather. I was standing at the bus stop when I saw two people, perhaps a couple, make their way to a car, sharing shelter under the umbrella he was holding. He appeared very focused on making sure she didn’t get wet and so, together, they inched along until they reached the car. He didn’t leave her side until she was sitting in the passenger seat and her door was closed. Then, with a marked change in pace, he strode over to the driver’s side, got in and waited until the last possible moment before collapsing his umbrella. Not long after, he carefully pulled out of the parking space and drove away. 

Set against that backdrop of torrential rain, I was especially drawn to the care with which he sheltered her to her car door and seat.

Surprise in the time of Social Distancing

I went outside to throw away the trash and check the mail. Afterwards, as I was making my way down the steps to walk through the gate leading back to my place behind the main house, I heard voices call out, “Surprise!”  Looking up, I saw four young ladies on the steps across the street.

The three who had called out were each carrying various celebratory items, but my eyes immediately went to the one holding all the festive balloons. They were all wearing face masks and facing the fourth lady, the recipient of said surprise, who kept exclaiming behind her face mask (but with such unmasked joy) how she couldn’t believe they had done this for her! Apparently one of the ladies, the one filming with her phone, had called a few moments before and told her to come outside and she hadn’t understood why.  

I was so touched by it all and I wasn’t even the one on the receiving end of the surprise! The mix of glee, joy, and awe that filled the air was so palpable that as I made my way back inside I just kept thinking how absolutely beautiful! It made me think of the Facebook posts I’ve read of people stopping by someone’s home and, from a distance, acknowledging the other person’s birthday or some other celebratory event. I always got a kick out of reading those stories. But bearing witness to it in real life? Ahh-mazing ♥️  

So glad I had the chance to share in the experience ♥️

In the Pause. One week gone by.

Today marks a week since being laid off. I find myself labeling this— what I’ve been living since 5pm last Friday— as the pause. After the exhale, but before the inhale. But in that pause:

I have filed for Unemployment (thank you to the Earth angels whom I invited along on that process— you know who you are since you got texts from the start of the process through the end of it 🙏🏾).

My dear friend convinced me to ask my landlord for some type of discount and grace period while I await what happens with the Unemployment claim I filed. I wasn’t going to at first. I didn’t think my landlord would. But I did. And my landlord gave me a small discount and the grace period. So, one never truly knows unless one asks.

I canceled my gym membership. I had joined last autumn and it was the cheapest membership but I felt this was the decision I needed to make. Now, my gym had already frozen all memberships so I wasn’t being charged. But I went online to see how I might cancel.  I did a general search using the gym franchise and “cancellation.” Found an email address I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Sent the email. A few days later, I received a reply that they understood and that it was now cancelled. The ease with which it came to pass was a blessing. The next day, they sent a customer service follow up poll. I gave them high marks.

I called my cellphone provider.  I’ve been with them since 2003. I asked to speak with a customer retention representative and explained my situation.  I was able to get a reduced phone plan and I got a discount on my current bill.

It’s also been a week of letting go of things, and getting quieter (in the most helpful of ways) and seeing some of the energetic-and-healthier-relating-to-life changes I’m anchoring in. 

There have been ups and downs but so many, many more ups. And there’s been some helpful insights in every single “down.”

There’s one more thing on my to-do list. I think it’ll be done by this time next week. We’ll see.

Hope there’s been much light, clarity and perseverance throughout your week thus far. And even more than that, I hope there’s much light, clarity and perseverance in all your days to come.  However things are unfolding for you, whatever the circumstances, wishing you your best journey. Sending love, and cheering you on.

Endings: In the pause between the exhale and inhale

So, first thing I want to say is please, no “I’m sorry” or condolences. If you do feel inclined to offer anything in response, just uplifting words and general cheering me on thoughts are appreciated— though not required 😊. I was informed part way through my workday that I was being, effectively, laid off. Tomorrow’s my last day.  I’m working through some thoughts and some emotions and I ultimately trust things will work out. As I’ve mentioned on here, part of my spiritual and centering practice involves oracle cards. I’ve been doing this for years. So, I drew a card from The Wild Offering Oracle, setting the intention that whatever thoughts or emotions bubble up for the rest of my evening, I wanted a message I could gently refocus on.  And this is what I drew. I share to share. And if it helps anyone else? Bonus ♥️

My Mom Called Just to Hear my Voice

My mom called today. She called the regular way ;) She called while I was working--working remotely. The call lasted less than a minute. I tried to tell her we could speak a little longer. But when she realized I was working, she said she just called to hear my voice and to see if I was o.k. While I try not to take much for granted in this world, I can't put into words how much those brief phone calls-- those quick check ins-- consistently do a number on my heart in the most beautiful of ways <3 If there's someone in your life you really love (through the ups and downs, through thick and thin, through the energetic "I adore yous" and the drawn out audible sighs ;) ), call them up --even if you spoke with them for about an hour the other day ;) You never know the impact that that reaching out can make.

Me, My Mom and Technology— WhatsApp Video

About two weeks ago, my mom accidentally called me via WhatsApp video. We’ve used WhatsApp for texting and voice messages but until that moment, watching the incoming call notification, I’d never really given the video option a second thought.  

I was excited! The last time I saw my mother was around Christmas. And with the current pandemic situation, I wasn’t sure when next we’d see each other face to face. So the fact that video chat was an option, was an unexpected gift! Excitedly, I reached out a finger to accept the call. And just as I was making contact with the screen, she hung up.

Quickly, using the video function, I called her back. It rang. And rang. And continued ringing until it timed out. Undeterred, I tried again. And again. And again. Tired of it consistently ringing out, I called her through our normal cellphone channel.  She picked up.

I asked her why she didn’t answer the video call. She replied that she had made an error. She had been trying to send me a Forward and didn’t realize she’d hit something else and then got a bit turned around when I called her back in a way she’d never received a message before.

I told her she had tried to call me via video chat and that I loved the idea so much, I had tried to make the connection happen.  And because I was determined to try again, I did my best to explain to her what she would need to do on her end. 

We were at a bit of a disadvantage here because we have different phones and I didn’t know what notifications she was receiving when I called. It would have been a little bit easier if I had that visual so I could really take her through the steps.

Much of the interactions my mom and I have had, cellphone-wise, has come from me teaching her while in the same room.  So, it was no surprise that the attempt to take her through this, blindly, once again resulted in multiple experiences of timing out.  Finally, I called her back using our regular way and told her not to worry, we’d figure it out.

In the days that followed, she’d  accidentally call me via the video function, and when I’d go to answer, it would stop ringing. I, in turn, would try initiating the video call on my end. And deja vu would ensue, with all attempts timing out.

Earlier this week, I sent my youngest brother a message, asking if he was standing near our mother or if he could go stand by her and answer when I called her phone using video.  My brother moved back into the house when my father was making his transition a few years ago.  Since my father passed away, this brother has gotten married and now has two kids — one just turned 2 and the other is less than a year old. It’s actually been a blessing that he’s there since our other brother and myself live in different states. 

So when my brother replied that he was near our mom, I called. He then proceeded to quickly show her (and I do mean quickly— I overheard the exchange) what she needed to do to answer the call. Then he left.  

I love my brother. And because I have been on the receiving end of it, I can honestly say his teaching style has helped in shaping my much more patient and thorough striving attempts.

When he left her side, I told my mom I was disconnecting so I could call her back to get in some practice.  And so I did. And she answered! I told her I’d call again! And so I did! And she didn’t answer. Not then. Or the three other times that followed. So I called her the regular way. The upshot of our conversation was we’d try again another day.

The next day, I called her. It rang out. I could see she was online. So I called again. It rang out.  I decided I’d met my attempts quota for the day.

This morning, guess who called me using the WhatsApp video function? My mother! When I realized it was her, I quickly picked up just in time to see the connection was paused on her end.  But I could hear her! I encouraged her to hold on for a bit, and then, a few seconds later, I was staring at a gorgeous extreme close up of my mother’s beautiful face!

The call lasted about a minute.  She just wanted to practice♥️ But at least now there’s a chance it’ll get easier♥️ Maybe 😬😉♥️

Thinking Out Loud

Sometimes, when things happen, sometimes I can pinpoint what I’m feeling — be it a general sense of it or a very clear, no doubt about it knowing. I strive to be more practiced in pinpointing what I, personally, am learning— not the immediate surface response of, “Well, I know never to do that again.” But some deeper digging that could, hopefully, lead to personal clarity and, hopefully, activate some healing. Leaving it at, “Well, I know never to do that again” might be enough in some situations. But it can also just be me putting up an emotional wall against something or someone— a wall quickly erected because of, let’s say, hurt. And now a wall keeping in hurt and keeping out the potential for healing. I have to work at it — work at this looking deeper at what I’m learning—because when I’m hurt, it’s easy to put up the walls.

Sharing Beautiful Nature

This tree and I live on the same block. Well, the tree literally lives on the sidewalk on the block.  I rent a space behind a house that’s across the street from the tree and next to the house is a gate. If you’re approaching from the street, then through the gate (you’d need a key) and down a slightly curving path, you’ll eventually come to my front door. If I’m standing on my side of the gate, then I’m likely about to open it up to access the trash and recycling bins. Or I’m exiting to go around to the front of the house to check the mailbox. Or I’m about to head out for some expected or unexpected adventures. I’m often not standing on my side of the gate just to stand there. Except for yesterday when I noticed this tree.  I stared. For what felt like the longest time. Then I unlocked the gate, covered the few feet to the sidewalk, stopped, and continued staring. Admiring, really.  There’s a saying—I’ve often heard it said in sarcasm or heavy to light ribbing—“Take a picture! It lasts longer!” So I did. I took several 🙂 And wanted to share the beauty ♥️

3/28/20 Good morning

Good morning from my part of the world ☀️ Took this  pic on my way to the laundromat :)

Wanted to take a moment to wish the very, very best to you throughout your day— through whatever challenges that may arise, through any experiences of unexpected joys, and even through the undertaking of that which you might label, mundane. As best as you can, whenever you can, hope you’ll take gorgeous care of yourself. Good luck, always ♥️ Cheering. You. On💛✨✨✨

Take gorgeous care of yourself

“Stay safe” are words I’ve been on the receiving end of lately.  I understand the sentiment behind it.  And at the same time, every time I see it and think about all the unpredictables of living life here in earth school, honestly, I am reminded of the fact that staying safe is out of my hands.  All I can do is try to take good care of myself.  That’s the part I have a bit more control over. So. I wanted to take a moment to encourage you to continue to take as much care of yourself as is possible —gorgeous care.  However that looks and, most importantly, feels for you. And I wanted to remind you that how this looks and feels can change depending on what you’re navigating. And that only you can truly decide how taking care of yourself looks and feels for you.  All I’m hoping is that you will😘 With all my heart. Cheering. You. On 💛✨✨✨

3/10/20 Gratitude Post—Thanks S.J.

Today, I’m grateful to the person who told me to speak up. 

Truth is, I should have spoken up some time ago. I knew this. But I’d convinced myself that things were just the way they were. That, when it came to this particular topic, I’d just keep swimming in the shallow end of the limits of my imagination. That is, until all the stars seemingly aligned and this person gently, but firmly, insisted. 

She’d known for some time what I’d been sitting on— what I’d been grappling with. And since it was my story to tell, she broached the subject, encouraging me to speak up.  And I guess I was ready. Because I did.

Now, I’ll have to have the same conversation with someone else tomorrow. And possibly, to further seed fruitful change, I’ll have to speak with one more person. But what’s important is that I spoke up and have now set some wheels into motion. 

And however things turn out, I’ll always be grateful to the lady who gave me exactly the right push at exactly the right time.

3/9/20 Musing on Flow

Lately, particularly since the beginning of this new year, and seemingly increasing with every passing week day, it feels like I’m being forced to flow with how certain things are unfolding in a certain area of my life.  Since the beginning of the new year, it feels like in every passing week day in a certain area of my life, I make plans to “catch up” and then something happens that throws a wrench into my attempts. I have not always been patient with this. I have, at times, actively struggled and tried, in vain it would seem, to wrestle for control.  But I’m learning. I’m learning to flow with things. And I’m learning to be kind to myself and not take for granted what I’m able to accomplish even if it’s “not as much” as I would have liked if it were entirely up to me. I’m especially grateful for what I’ve been able to accomplish from a place of kindness and breathing (sometimes slightly harried breathing, but breathing and getting better at it being less harried in the moment).  I’m also very grateful for the things that come to my awareness in time for me to take action. And in this moment, as I write that, I can honestly say if something comes into my awareness “later” than I would have liked, it feels like it’s taking a shorter period of time for me to then affirm the best journey and allow that to be however that manifests. And this is currently where I find myself🙂

After work as I made my way to the subway station, I noticed it was an unseasonably warm March evening. And while I know that speaks to larger issues, I’m honestly very grateful for the way it wrapped itself around me. I’m grateful for this weather that contributed to my being able to breathe deeper. And contributed to my feeling I could physically take up space in the world. And contributed to my being able to feel grateful. That is all 😉 Good night 🙂

How Feelings Get Stuck

I felt it. The energy of it fluttering around, its wings hovering, trapped within my landscape of blood, bones, organs, breath. And there it stayed and then seemed to fade, but I know it’s still very much alive, existing unsettled. Waiting to be named, then truly processed, then put to rest— true rest. True peace.

Kindness in a Laundromat in Brooklyn

I rolled my cart of freshly washed clothes over to the wall of dryers but stood back to access the situation.  Many of the top dryers were already spinning away in use, two were out of commission, and there were a few in the process of being filled. The bottom row of dryers were all available.  About to resign myself to claiming two of the bottoms, a lady in the process of filling her third one on the top asked me if I wanted one. 

“If that’s okay, sure,” I replied and watched as she kindly withdrew her clothes and placed them in the dryer below. The gesture quite unexpected and very kind, I told her so. She waved it away and mentioned in passing that she recognized me as she often saw me on the bus. I, in turn, confessed I had never consciously noticed her on the bus. But now that I think about, it’s likely on my after work bus ride which is often packed and at that point of my day I’m very much tuned inward, singularly focused on getting home.

The lady was accompanied by her mother, an older woman manning a couple of the other dryers, assisting her daughter wherever she could.  When I heard them communicating in another language— one I didn’t recognize— their interaction made me think of my mother and how we, too, speak our language when out and about in the world.  

There was love there. I heard it in the way they spoke to each other— it didn’t matter that I didn’t understand the words.  There was love there.  I noticed it in the way the daughter answered her mother’s questions pertaining to which dryer had my things and which had hers (the dryers shared the same coin entry but then one has to manually select the correct one). There was love there.  Vividly apparent in how the daughter found her mom a stool and then playfully petted her when she sat down.  

I ended up using two dryers— the freed up top one and then a bottom one close by. When the timer went off on the one with my heavier clothes, the lady was removing her clothes from a bottom one and told me I was welcome to the 9 minutes left on it.  At first I declined.  But when I noticed the damp of my comforter and other heavy clothing, I, once again, took her up on her kindness. 

When I got ready to leave, I took the opportunity to thank her again and also mention how I enjoyed bearing witness to her interactions with her mother, as it made me think of my own mother and how much I treasured our bond.  She thanked me, sharing she had left her mother at home— encouraged her to sleep in, but her mother had decided to come out anyway and help her with the laundry:) Bidding her goodbye, I told her to say hello to me next time she saw me on the bus.  She laughed and said she would :) 

When I got home, I sent my mother a text telling her how much I loved her.

Early Morning Adventure Involving the Medicine Cabinet

CRASH!

The shelf in the bathroom medicine cabinet— the shelf that until that moment provided support for a variety of jars and bottles— came crashing down. Along with everything that was on it.  As well as a few additional bottles that had been housed below.

I’m proud to say I met this unfolding of events somewhat calmly.  I was surprised of course. This wasn’t what I was expecting when I had opened the cabinet to reach for my hair product.

Assessing the situation through somewhat-calm-lenses, my first concern was spillage and broken glass. Some of my things had fallen into the sink and others, traveling as far as gravity could take them, were now lying marooned on the floor. Luckily, none had spilled, and nothing was broken. So, I righted the upturned and found temporary housing on the sink for the now homeless— because the one thing I knew for certain was that the only reason that shelf fell was because one of its tiny support pins had fallen out. I was almost certain I knew the culprit. It had been loose before— though not to the point of upheaval.  It had loosened because, over time, the hole it was in had widened and so, at the time, I’d re-slotted all four into new holes to avoid impending upheaval.

Standing now, in the aftermath of upheaval, a look into the cabinet confirmed my suspicions.  Three of the four clear plastic support pins were present.  My somewhat-calm-lenses cracked. The pins were tiny. If the missing one had fallen onto the bathroom floor— a floor that provided not much of a contrast to said pin—my search would likely rival that of the needle in the haystack incident. 

Picking up my flashlight, I got down on the floor. Nothing. Standing back up, once more I combed the sink area— even looking behind one the bottles that had been living below the shelf. Again, nothing.

By this point, I was resigning myself to going to Target or a nearby hardware store to find a replacement.  I didn’t want to.  But I needed to get that shelf, and all the bottles and jars who called it home, back into place. So I made the decision to add the unexpected shopping trip to my day’s to-do list.  I also took a moment to verbalize how open I was to this miraculously working out— however that looked and felt. On the heels of that, I promptly revisited all of the places I’d just searched, because, well, hope. The result? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.  Needing to get on with my day, but wanting a visual for when I went shopping, I placed one of the three pins in a clear plastic bag and put it in my purse.  Then I finished getting ready. 

On the spur of the moment I decided I wanted to put on a particular scented oil. So I reached back into the medicine cabinet, took the bottle out of the bag where it lived and found the missing pin. It had been obscured by the bottle and further camouflaged due to the clear plastic nature of pin and bag.

Steadily chanting a mantra of “Thank yous,” I rehoused the shelf to a higher set of holes and moved the tenants back in.  I didn’t have to go pin shopping anymore 🥳 My miraculous outcome after all😊

Unexpected. Seen on the sidewalk in Chelsea.

After work, as I headed in the direction of the subway station, navigating through the sea of pedestrians with single minded focus, I suddenly became aware of the growling. 

Looking around, it wasn’t long before I zeroed in on the source.  Off to the side, several steps ahead of me on the sidewalk, moving at a slower pace, was a little boy and his male guardian. And as I watched him alternate between clutching and attacking the left leg of his very amused guardian, I heard this little boy growling.  And then, as if upping the ante for the unexpected, when I passed them on their left side, I looked over and saw that the little boy’s facial features were completely obscured.  Because he was wearing what looked like a dinosaur mask! Talk about commitment to play! Everything about the experience was just so unexpected and delightful, I couldn’t help but laugh 😂 

Added bonus for me:  As I finished writing this, it literally popped into my head that earlier this morning, before leaving for work, I wrote in my journal and randomly asked for delightful moments of magical realism in my today. 

I kinda feel like I got it with this🙃😊

An Encounter on the Streets in Chelsea

I’d just gotten off work and was making my way to the subway station. It was pleasant enough weather— a noticeable enough reprieve from the cold bite of winter of the last few days. I was a bit in my own world, enjoying the weather and giving audience to the thoughts in my head. So it took an extended moment to fully click back into consciousness when I registered something also traveling on foot in my periphery.

A teeny, tiny mouse. 

He, or, perhaps, she, had a light grey coat of fur, and seemed to be moving tentatively, yet steadily, into the street—- specifically, in the direction that, once the traffic lights gave permission, was about to be peopled with cars.

“He’s not going to make it,” said the lady who’d passed by him, with several feet of space between them, and joined me on the sidewalk.

“I hope he does,” I replied as I watched his journey. And I really did. He was such a little thing.  And something about him up here, street side, traveling by himself, crossing with the masses, and something about his physicality— that tentative yet steady gait, and something about his light grey coat of fur, all made me think he could easily be someone’s pet, someone’s little friend.

Now, truth be told, I was likely more open to entertaining these thoughts because we weren’t indoors somewhere. There, on that great expanse of landscape called the street, he and I could easily go about our business— could easily go our separate ways.

When the pedestrian light changed, allowing us to continue our journey, the lady took the lead, but momentarily paused to look back at me.  “Fingers crossed,” she said referring to my earlier response about the mouse making it safely across the street.

I smiled in agreement, following a few steps behind her, holding on to that hope while at the same time unable to bring myself to look over at the mouse because of the cars now heading in his direction.