Because I don’t know him, my mind is tempted to make assumptions.
Truth is, even if I did "know" him, I might still be tempted to make assumptions.
The danger in making assumptions is the temptation to treat the assumptions as fact as opposed to conjectures cobbled together in an attempt to have a clear point of view on a subject.
I am trying not to judge P__ but I can’t help but notice that other people at the gym initiate saying hello. There’s one guy who will tap me on the shoulder if I don’t happen to see him first and there’s another one who will come by and engage me in conversation. I feel as though if I don’t initiate with P__, it won’t happen...
I know it’s not fair to compare him to others. If I compare him, I may find him guilty and that’s not fair since all I have is my subjective point of view. So perhaps instead of comparing him, I can use this as an opportunity to clarify more of what I want.
I’m interested in meeting people who are available—literally and figuratively. I want to meet people who take the time to initiate conversation and show interest in wanting to connect in a healthy and fun verbal exchange. I expect that in all existing and in all potential relationships—friendship or otherwise.
As for genuine, empowering, spiritually grounded love, I subscibe quite strongly to Anna Louise Strong's quote, "To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
In the interim, Dear God, please heal my perception of P___. I ask you to help me in truly surrendering and fully releasing him. Since my personal desire is peace and happiness, I honestly wish him the same-- true peace and every happiness. You have my best interest at heart and so I trust your direction in all my affairs. I am genuinely only interested in what and in whom you want to bring into my life.
Please heal my perception, help me come from a place of love and help me to hear your council.
Thank you.
Amen.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Speak up
I have a habit that I am in the process of changing.
If my last interaction with someone was less than positive or if I find myself wondering how someone feels about me, I send out my energy to do a sweep of the energy around the other person. This is usually achieved by some action on the physical plane (i.e. I try to engage them in conversation just to see how they respond and then I judge my current standing with them based on the manner of said response).
Frankly, I've decided that this is just too much work.
And it’s not even based on absolute certainty. I am much closer to certainty by coming right out and asking, “Are we ok?”
I notice I send out my energy in this manner when I feel guilty about whatever I may have said or done prior to the instinct to test the waters.
Perhaps it’s a fear of not being liked. But then that means I need to re-examine my initial motives for saying/doing what I initially said/did. If it truly felt like the right thing to say/do, then I need to have more confidence and love myself enough to trust that if it feels like there is now an issue, it’s ok to speak up and ask, “Are we ok?” And then go from there.
The worst thing that can happen is that I’m told, “We’re not ok.” And then I have to determine whether there is a mutual willingness to work through the disconnect.
It boils down to not knowing how to be comfortable with being a powerful person and therefore it results in a weakening of said power when I second guess my actions by fearing how others are going to view me.
If I want to know their thoughts—if I feel we’re not ok and if being at peace or moving towards peace is important to me—then I can and should ask.
This way, I can clearly play my part—doing what I can to contribute to my peace— and not just the external peace between myself and the other, but most importantly my inner peace.
OK. That makes sense intellectually.
Now I just have to practice it.
If my last interaction with someone was less than positive or if I find myself wondering how someone feels about me, I send out my energy to do a sweep of the energy around the other person. This is usually achieved by some action on the physical plane (i.e. I try to engage them in conversation just to see how they respond and then I judge my current standing with them based on the manner of said response).
Frankly, I've decided that this is just too much work.
And it’s not even based on absolute certainty. I am much closer to certainty by coming right out and asking, “Are we ok?”
I notice I send out my energy in this manner when I feel guilty about whatever I may have said or done prior to the instinct to test the waters.
Perhaps it’s a fear of not being liked. But then that means I need to re-examine my initial motives for saying/doing what I initially said/did. If it truly felt like the right thing to say/do, then I need to have more confidence and love myself enough to trust that if it feels like there is now an issue, it’s ok to speak up and ask, “Are we ok?” And then go from there.
The worst thing that can happen is that I’m told, “We’re not ok.” And then I have to determine whether there is a mutual willingness to work through the disconnect.
It boils down to not knowing how to be comfortable with being a powerful person and therefore it results in a weakening of said power when I second guess my actions by fearing how others are going to view me.
If I want to know their thoughts—if I feel we’re not ok and if being at peace or moving towards peace is important to me—then I can and should ask.
This way, I can clearly play my part—doing what I can to contribute to my peace— and not just the external peace between myself and the other, but most importantly my inner peace.
OK. That makes sense intellectually.
Now I just have to practice it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother’s Day 2011
The other day as I was walking, several paces ahead of me, also traveling on foot, I saw a young girl and her mother.
The mother, perhaps in her early 40s was multitasking—carrying two grocery bags, speaking, somewhat animatedly, on her cell phone, and glancing down every once in awhile to check the whereabouts of her little girl.
The little girl, perhaps 3 or 4 years of age, was doing her best to keep up, but appeared to be having a hard time of it. You see, not only was she trying to match her mother step by step, she was also being weighed down by her load. Swung over her right arm and almost half the size of her pint sized self was a rather heavy looking black handbag.
I watched as this little girl, determined to be of assistance as they journeyed towards their destination, began to fall behind. Her tiny frame, visibly unaccustomed to so much weight, and judging by her expression, noticeably against her wishes, rebelled against her attempt to muscle through the situation. Finally, giving into exhaustion, she paused, placed her load down on the sidewalk and was about to take it up on her left side, when her travel companion turned around.
Without skipping a beat, the mother, still deeply engaged in her phone conversation, gently placed down one of her grocery bags, walked back to where her daughter was standing, and picked up the black handbag.
Undeterred, the little girl, as if revived by her brief respite, ran ahead, picked up the newly abandoned bag of groceries and swung it over her left shoulder.
By this time, I was passing mother and child and couldn’t help but feel a sense of appreciation for bearing witness to the little girl, her mother and their actions.
The way I see it, it’s more than just the label. It’s more than just “Mother”, “Father,” “Guardian.” The true definition of parent is found in the actions of the former and in the responses of their children towards each other and ultimately in interactions with humanity at large.
The way I see it, that little girl, at the tender age of three or four, was already practicing compassion, empathy, awareness of another’s situation and there is no doubt in my mind that this has been made possible with the assistance of her first teachers, and consequently the first recipients, her guardian—be it mother or father or both or other.
Dear members of the Mommy Club, for taking on this sacred role, I thank you for being vessels of love. I do not doubt that countless lives will be affected by the love you share and teach in your homes today and in the years to come.
On behalf of the rest of humanity, I thank you for your contribution to fostering the extraordinary capacity for unconditional love in your homes and ultimately in the world.
You have my deepest respect and sincerest admiration.
Happy Mother’s Day.
The mother, perhaps in her early 40s was multitasking—carrying two grocery bags, speaking, somewhat animatedly, on her cell phone, and glancing down every once in awhile to check the whereabouts of her little girl.
The little girl, perhaps 3 or 4 years of age, was doing her best to keep up, but appeared to be having a hard time of it. You see, not only was she trying to match her mother step by step, she was also being weighed down by her load. Swung over her right arm and almost half the size of her pint sized self was a rather heavy looking black handbag.
I watched as this little girl, determined to be of assistance as they journeyed towards their destination, began to fall behind. Her tiny frame, visibly unaccustomed to so much weight, and judging by her expression, noticeably against her wishes, rebelled against her attempt to muscle through the situation. Finally, giving into exhaustion, she paused, placed her load down on the sidewalk and was about to take it up on her left side, when her travel companion turned around.
Without skipping a beat, the mother, still deeply engaged in her phone conversation, gently placed down one of her grocery bags, walked back to where her daughter was standing, and picked up the black handbag.
Undeterred, the little girl, as if revived by her brief respite, ran ahead, picked up the newly abandoned bag of groceries and swung it over her left shoulder.
By this time, I was passing mother and child and couldn’t help but feel a sense of appreciation for bearing witness to the little girl, her mother and their actions.
The way I see it, it’s more than just the label. It’s more than just “Mother”, “Father,” “Guardian.” The true definition of parent is found in the actions of the former and in the responses of their children towards each other and ultimately in interactions with humanity at large.
The way I see it, that little girl, at the tender age of three or four, was already practicing compassion, empathy, awareness of another’s situation and there is no doubt in my mind that this has been made possible with the assistance of her first teachers, and consequently the first recipients, her guardian—be it mother or father or both or other.
Dear members of the Mommy Club, for taking on this sacred role, I thank you for being vessels of love. I do not doubt that countless lives will be affected by the love you share and teach in your homes today and in the years to come.
On behalf of the rest of humanity, I thank you for your contribution to fostering the extraordinary capacity for unconditional love in your homes and ultimately in the world.
You have my deepest respect and sincerest admiration.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Once Upon a Time, I got Mad
At one point yesterday, I was filled with immense anger. Okay, I was filled with fear masquerading to the observing eye as immense (though passive) anger and frustration. Yes, let’s not forget to mention the “frustration.”
At work, I discovered a potentially huge mistake in its infancy and no one owned up to it. My frustration arose from the fact that it was a mistake that could have been understood had it been a high call volume day. Even a tortoise would have marveled at how such an incident could happen given how easy a work day it had been. I was also frustrated because it was a mistake that could have been avoided if whoever birthed it had been paying attention and I had asked on numerous occasions for people to pay attention to the task at hand before moving on to something else.
I could feel the thick, stifling toxic air around me. I was more than “hot under the collar.” I was swimming naked in a sea of fire (and I am aware that I emotionally chose to go skinny dipping in said blazing sea).
It was the type of mistake (it had happened before) that resulted in customers mistakenly signed up for performances taking place in an entirely different state. In fact the last time it had occurred, a customer claimed the busing had already been arranged and compensated for and that I had to personally fix the situation even though the venue she wanted seats to had no seats to accommodate her group size. I ended up having to check her account everyday until a week before the performance to see if any seats opened up.
Yesterday’s anger and frustration came from taking the newly discovered mistake personally and fearing that it was a reflection of my Managerial skills. And it's quite possible that I had unconsciously tapped into the unpleasant nature of that prior experience and had obviously not forgiven the mistake the first time around.
And the other fear based thought involving any outside perception of my Managerial acumen came from trying to understand what else I could do to drive home the need for my team to fully concentrate on the task at hand. Basically how to Police any and all potential problems as opposed to just being a Supervisor that wisely supervises whatever problems happen to come up.
I realize now that yesterday, I was reliving a past uncomfortable exchange and at the same time mistakenly viewing myself as being less than because of the actions of others.
Lesson 7 in the Workbook for students section of A Course in Miracles says, “I see only the past.
This idea is particularly difficult to believe at first. Yet it is the rationale for all of the preceding ones.
It is the reason why nothing that you see means anything.
It is the reason why you have given everything you see all the meaning that it has for you.
It is the reason why you do not understand anything you see.
It is the reason why your thoughts do not mean anything, and why they are like the things you see.
It is the reason why you are never upset for the reason you think.
It is the reason why you are upset because you see something that is not there.” (ACIM)
So according to ACIM the reason I got upset was because I was reacting to something that wasn’t there. I was reacting to something from the past. I wasn’t really reacting to yesterday’s seeming mistake.
So now that I've made it to the shores of Calm Relfection, what have i learned (or perhaps am continuing to learn)? As a Supervisor, all I can do is make my expectations known, lead by example and then be grateful for the times when I discover something before it develops into further drama. In the case of yesterday’s events, I did discover it before it escalated to another level. But while in the moment, I was too busy focusing on what went wrong, that I failed to notice all that was right-- or that the situation could have been worse.
I’ll be better next time-- I'm sure I'll have several more opportunities at this.
I’ll give it my best effort.
At work, I discovered a potentially huge mistake in its infancy and no one owned up to it. My frustration arose from the fact that it was a mistake that could have been understood had it been a high call volume day. Even a tortoise would have marveled at how such an incident could happen given how easy a work day it had been. I was also frustrated because it was a mistake that could have been avoided if whoever birthed it had been paying attention and I had asked on numerous occasions for people to pay attention to the task at hand before moving on to something else.
I could feel the thick, stifling toxic air around me. I was more than “hot under the collar.” I was swimming naked in a sea of fire (and I am aware that I emotionally chose to go skinny dipping in said blazing sea).
It was the type of mistake (it had happened before) that resulted in customers mistakenly signed up for performances taking place in an entirely different state. In fact the last time it had occurred, a customer claimed the busing had already been arranged and compensated for and that I had to personally fix the situation even though the venue she wanted seats to had no seats to accommodate her group size. I ended up having to check her account everyday until a week before the performance to see if any seats opened up.
Yesterday’s anger and frustration came from taking the newly discovered mistake personally and fearing that it was a reflection of my Managerial skills. And it's quite possible that I had unconsciously tapped into the unpleasant nature of that prior experience and had obviously not forgiven the mistake the first time around.
And the other fear based thought involving any outside perception of my Managerial acumen came from trying to understand what else I could do to drive home the need for my team to fully concentrate on the task at hand. Basically how to Police any and all potential problems as opposed to just being a Supervisor that wisely supervises whatever problems happen to come up.
I realize now that yesterday, I was reliving a past uncomfortable exchange and at the same time mistakenly viewing myself as being less than because of the actions of others.
Lesson 7 in the Workbook for students section of A Course in Miracles says, “I see only the past.
This idea is particularly difficult to believe at first. Yet it is the rationale for all of the preceding ones.
It is the reason why nothing that you see means anything.
It is the reason why you have given everything you see all the meaning that it has for you.
It is the reason why you do not understand anything you see.
It is the reason why your thoughts do not mean anything, and why they are like the things you see.
It is the reason why you are never upset for the reason you think.
It is the reason why you are upset because you see something that is not there.” (ACIM)
So according to ACIM the reason I got upset was because I was reacting to something that wasn’t there. I was reacting to something from the past. I wasn’t really reacting to yesterday’s seeming mistake.
So now that I've made it to the shores of Calm Relfection, what have i learned (or perhaps am continuing to learn)? As a Supervisor, all I can do is make my expectations known, lead by example and then be grateful for the times when I discover something before it develops into further drama. In the case of yesterday’s events, I did discover it before it escalated to another level. But while in the moment, I was too busy focusing on what went wrong, that I failed to notice all that was right-- or that the situation could have been worse.
I’ll be better next time-- I'm sure I'll have several more opportunities at this.
I’ll give it my best effort.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Not So Black and White
There was an empty seat on an otherwise packed car of a subway train. The car's doors opened and two people got on, simultaneously noticing and inevitably making a beeline for the vacant spot.
Person A arrived first and sat down, much to Person B's astonishment. After a few seconds of the clearly offended Person B standing in front of Person A, another passenger gave up their seat. Feeling perhaps the silent rays of judgment loudly emanating from some of the onlookers and particularly from Person B, Person A made a statement.
"I'm sorry, but I'm just really tired."
This did nothing to quell the waves of disapproval radiating off Person B and company.
I found myself wondering if the apology would have been necessary if Person A had not been an older gentleman and Person B, his contemporary in all things as far as the eyes could see, except for one. Person B happened to be a she.
I also found myself wondering if I was the only passenger not readily inclined to condemn the man for his actions.
Here in the United States, and clearly exemplified in the unfolding drama in the car, society expected chivalry from Person A. The fact that he realized this and chose to go against the expectation-- going as far as to "excuse" his actions by saying he was tired was clearly enough evidence to damn him as a guilty, uncouth character possibly disdainful of women. Or is it?
I actually commended him (albeit silently) for speaking up. It actually contributed to my not finding him guilty of any wrongdoing.
Now let me be clear. I adore a chivalrous man just like the next gal. I once went out with a gentleman who pulled out my chair and actually waited for me to sit down before he pulled out his own chair. Imagine my surprise when after a few seconds of fiddling with something in my purse, I glance over to find him patiently waiting for me to sit down. It was akin to something I may have read once in a romance novel or two. But I'm not in the habit of expecting men to be chivalrous and so won't hold it against them if they don't demonstrate chivalry. It's not the world I was exposed to while growing up. And maybe Person B was brought up to have this expectation, but again, I feel that Person A demonstrated his acknowledgement of her ire, apologized and gave a reason why he chose not to adhere to it at that moment.
Also, if Person A was really an uncouth misogynist, why would he apologize?
Why not stare defiantly at the woman or even go to the opposite extreme by completely ignoring her?
Person A got off a few stops later. Once he exited the car, Person B and the passenger that had given her a seat (a man) gave voice to their feelings. The passenger insinuated that he was embarrassed to be classified as a member of the same sex. The woman couldn't believe he had had the nerve to tell her he was tired--since, after all, she was "tired too."
What both of them failed to take into consideration was that he did apologize for his actions and that there were several reasons why he could have been "tired."
The age old adage, "You can't judge a book by its cover" comes to mind. For all we knew, the man could have been sick. Or maybe he had just gotten off a shift where he had spent the entire time on his feet. Or maybe he hadn't eaten his first meal of the day and he was feeling faint.
I think he deserved the benefit of the doubt. If not for his sake, then at least for the sake of Person B and the helpful passenger’s peace of mind. Person B lost out on a seat and it appears had her ego bruised over the matter. Not only had she lost out on a seat. She had made a concerted effort to get to that seat and then on top of that she had lost it to a man who was not obeying a societal expectation of chivalry.
If I were in her shoes, I too, might have been upset. I might have reacted with embarrassment or annoyance or perhaps (hopefully) even laughter (the latter may be a far stretch but not entirely implausible). With the exception of the last one, the common denominator emotion leading me to take the situation personally, feeding all the aforementioned possible reactions would be fear.
Fear that I would be judged negatively for not being quick enough. Fear that there was a particular reason that I was not deemed “worthy” of having a man do the gentlemanly thing by stepping aside and letting me sit down. Fear that had I been more attractive, I would be sitting in the seat instead of feeling as though I had egg on my face with everyone watching and thinking the same thing. But all of these fears would have been my issues--my own judgments on myself mistakenly projected outwards and then perceived as coming from somewhere else.
Fear sure can make us forget ourselves and abandon our innate claim to peace.
But much of this is speculation. I don’t really know what was going on in each other’s mind. But I do know I didn’t find the man guilty of any wrongdoing and I wanted to explore why that was the case.
I really do wonder if it would have been an issue if it had
been two women vying for the same seat.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
In Today's Episode
Today’s workout included an exercise in mindful surrendering and affirming.
I haven’t really seen P__ at the gym lately--I’m sure he’s been there, but I’ve just kept my focus on working out.
Well today, I saw him.
He happened to be working out alongside his gym partner. In close proximity to the machines I needed to use next. I quickly assessed the situation. If I were to go over there I would not be able to avoid him-- well I could, but then that would be... awkward.
I decided to take my time on the machine I was currently on. I even added extra sets with higher reps. When I had exhaused my interest in the machine, I looked up to find them still exercising in the same area. Seeing no other recourse, I made my way over.
With my head down, fiddling with my mp3 player, I got on my machine. But as you’ve probably guessed, the fiddling and the heads down business could only last but for so long. A few seconds later, giving up all pretenses, I lifted my gaze.
He was engaged in conversation with his partner and since I had my headphones on I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
After a few minutes of working out, alternating between machines to maximize my gym time, I began to feel somewhat at ease. Imagine. There was definitely a marked difference between trying to appear busy and nonchalant versus actually being nonchalant and busily working out.
Inevitably, we made eye contact. As he was picking up a free weight, he happened to look up at me at the same time I happened to look down at him while taking a breather before starting a new set of reps.
He smiled. I smiled and followed with a mouthed, “Hello.”
I then resumed working out and he made his way to another part of the gym.
Later on I saw him his reflection in my workout mirror as he made his way towards the Men’s Locker Room.
Instinctually, I once again found myself head down, determined to avoid eye contact, lifting it only when I was certain he had crossed over the threshold.
Some minutes later while doing my cardio, I found myself consciously surrendering thoughts of him while simultaneously thanking the Universe for everything unfolding for my highest good.
Now, I want to clarify that this is my own personal belief for my own life-- the idea of releasing my perception of the now while affirming Divine assistance with the unfolding of the future. Funny enough, now that I think about it, it’s actually akin to releasing perception of the perpetual now.
I sincerely believe that everything unfolds for my highest good and, frankly, the act of consciously surrendering something to forces privy to the bigger picture (God, Angels, Holy Spirit, Higher Self, the Universe) is more attractive and comforting to me than the alternative: damaging my peace of mind with seemingly innocuous but ultimately potentially harmful imaginings. That one word “potentially” is all the encouragement I need to break free when I realize I’ve caught myself in my own web of unhelpful thoughts.
Therefore in this episode, for all involved, surrendering and affirming felt/feels like the “right” and kind thing to do.
I haven’t really seen P__ at the gym lately--I’m sure he’s been there, but I’ve just kept my focus on working out.
Well today, I saw him.
He happened to be working out alongside his gym partner. In close proximity to the machines I needed to use next. I quickly assessed the situation. If I were to go over there I would not be able to avoid him-- well I could, but then that would be... awkward.
I decided to take my time on the machine I was currently on. I even added extra sets with higher reps. When I had exhaused my interest in the machine, I looked up to find them still exercising in the same area. Seeing no other recourse, I made my way over.
With my head down, fiddling with my mp3 player, I got on my machine. But as you’ve probably guessed, the fiddling and the heads down business could only last but for so long. A few seconds later, giving up all pretenses, I lifted my gaze.
He was engaged in conversation with his partner and since I had my headphones on I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
After a few minutes of working out, alternating between machines to maximize my gym time, I began to feel somewhat at ease. Imagine. There was definitely a marked difference between trying to appear busy and nonchalant versus actually being nonchalant and busily working out.
Inevitably, we made eye contact. As he was picking up a free weight, he happened to look up at me at the same time I happened to look down at him while taking a breather before starting a new set of reps.
He smiled. I smiled and followed with a mouthed, “Hello.”
I then resumed working out and he made his way to another part of the gym.
Later on I saw him his reflection in my workout mirror as he made his way towards the Men’s Locker Room.
Instinctually, I once again found myself head down, determined to avoid eye contact, lifting it only when I was certain he had crossed over the threshold.
Some minutes later while doing my cardio, I found myself consciously surrendering thoughts of him while simultaneously thanking the Universe for everything unfolding for my highest good.
Now, I want to clarify that this is my own personal belief for my own life-- the idea of releasing my perception of the now while affirming Divine assistance with the unfolding of the future. Funny enough, now that I think about it, it’s actually akin to releasing perception of the perpetual now.
I sincerely believe that everything unfolds for my highest good and, frankly, the act of consciously surrendering something to forces privy to the bigger picture (God, Angels, Holy Spirit, Higher Self, the Universe) is more attractive and comforting to me than the alternative: damaging my peace of mind with seemingly innocuous but ultimately potentially harmful imaginings. That one word “potentially” is all the encouragement I need to break free when I realize I’ve caught myself in my own web of unhelpful thoughts.
Therefore in this episode, for all involved, surrendering and affirming felt/feels like the “right” and kind thing to do.
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