I was speaking with someone today about a Customer Service experience she recently had.
After listening to what unfolded, I came up with possible reasons why the Representative she had dealt with had acted in the manner he did. She replied that she didn’t really care why he acted the way he did—she just needed him to answer her questions clearly and succinctly.
In that moment, I felt myself stop. Now mind you, I was still listening attentively, but, for lack of a better word, I stopped “pushing” my ideas and let her have her say.
Just because I tried to see other reasons for why people may do what they do, doesn’t mean that someone else would find that train of thought particularly helpful. And this in turn, made me realize that she hadn’t asked for my opinion in the first place.
Her perspective isn't wrong-- it’s just how she chooses to see the matter-- it’s her reality. And I see the benefits of it-- you just deal with what it is that you set out to deal with, without creating any additional, potential, illusions to the situation. The approach seems clean and clear and to the point.
I think for me though, if I start to take it personally and play it over and over in my mind and have a hard time letting it be, then seeing other sides of the story-- having empathy inducing thoughts will help me “suffer” less…
Based on that interaction, I think it’s safe to proffer the following final thoughts on the matter: Which response brings a more peaceful approach to any situation?
Answer: Well that entirely depends on the person experiencing said situation:)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
One Foot in Front of the Other...
I saw P__ out of the corner of my eye today.
Lately at the gym, I have been consciously focusing exclusively on working out (i.e. not purposely looking around in hopes of catching a glimpse of him). And honestly, I see this approach as a good thing—especially since, after all, I am there to workout.
When I happened to see him (he didn’t see me), he was on the last leg of his exercise routine—abdominal work. His normal practice after abdominals was to head to the Men’s Locker Room and commence getting ready to head out.
I am happy to say that although I was on a machine near said Locker Room, I finished my downstairs workout and then went upstairs for my cardio without lagging behind in hopes of “accidentally” running into him.
Yes, I fantasized about how pleasant it could be were he to come over and say hello. But, not enough to obsess about it in detail, or wish for it with every fiber of my being, or even hold it against him for it not coming to pass.
I silently wished him a wonderful day and then returned my attention to the task at hand—Conquering the Treadmill.
The name of the game is Surrender and Release and I’m in it to win it.
Lately at the gym, I have been consciously focusing exclusively on working out (i.e. not purposely looking around in hopes of catching a glimpse of him). And honestly, I see this approach as a good thing—especially since, after all, I am there to workout.
When I happened to see him (he didn’t see me), he was on the last leg of his exercise routine—abdominal work. His normal practice after abdominals was to head to the Men’s Locker Room and commence getting ready to head out.
I am happy to say that although I was on a machine near said Locker Room, I finished my downstairs workout and then went upstairs for my cardio without lagging behind in hopes of “accidentally” running into him.
Yes, I fantasized about how pleasant it could be were he to come over and say hello. But, not enough to obsess about it in detail, or wish for it with every fiber of my being, or even hold it against him for it not coming to pass.
I silently wished him a wonderful day and then returned my attention to the task at hand—Conquering the Treadmill.
The name of the game is Surrender and Release and I’m in it to win it.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Writing
without warning she STRIKES;
mother nature’s daughter, a force of reckoning.
ALL LIFE, animate and inanimate,
ARE AT HER MERCY.
HER BROTHER, the WIND, her partner in crime,
FORCES the Earth to bow
in their majestic presence.
NO ONE CAN ESCAPE her far reaching arms.
And when enraged, beware her ROAR
for it strikes fear even in the hearts of stones.
But with her power,
a seemingly blatant disregard for those on her path,
comes the promise of a fresh beginning,
a stillness born out of tumult,
And somedays,
She is as gentle as her name,
Rain. (circa 1988/89)
I remember writing that poem during a beautiful rainstorm. My mom was in the kitchen and I was at the age where I was “watching” her cook so that I could learn to do it for myself. But all I wanted to do was capture in words the magnificent power of Mother Nature. I remember being so excited to put it down on paper.
Sometimes I write to process an emotion:
ANGER
Darkness descends quickly
Day is usurped by night
The lines between love and hate
are made obscure in a fog of angry fury.
A heat, more scalding than fire and hot coals
invades my being, making insight inconceivable.
Like a red-eyed bull I explode:
A raging juggernaut at full speed
obliterating the innocent lambs in my path.
Awakening from my drunked hatredness,
I face the aftermath of my massive destruction.
Words cannot describe my undeniable remorse.
Wallowing in shame I place my head between my hands.
“Sorry” just isn’t enough. (circa 1992/93)
Other times, it’s a general reflection on an idea:
LIFE
Dark and murky
As the reflections of a shadow.
Taken for granted
As the features of a penny.
A kaleidoscope of unpredictable emotions.
A journey to find the meaning of self. (Feb. 2, 1995)
I wrote the following piece while processing an emotional attachment of the Boy Meets Girl and Girl ends up Obsessing over Boy variety. At the time I wrote it, I was on the road to self recovery:
On the road of life I went walking and spied you up ahead.
Easily I caught up and matched you step for step.
We walked in this fashion for about a mile.
Life happened.
It was what it was.
One day, you picked up the pace and broke into a jog.
Not giving it a second thought, I followed suite.
(Not giving it a second thought, I left my self behind)
(Not giving it a second thought, two had now left one)
Then you began to run.
I struggled to catch up and laughed at the irony:
There was a time I’d say in jest,
‘I’d never run unless I was being chased.’
(Ah, irony)
I caught up several times, but you seemed to pick up speed.
Finally I stopped.
You continued north.
I headed east.
On the road of life I went walking, the trees and sky my companions.
After about a mile, I spied a familiar face.
The one that two had left behind caught up.
But one was not the same as one once was.
With unconditional love, one smiled at me with open arms.
I hugged her tightly, tears blurring my vision.
I cried for her, I cried for me.
On the road of life went walking the naïve and the seasoned.
Talking the best of both personas, two became whole.
On the road of life I went walking and one day I smiled.
Everything happens the way it should.
All things work together for good. (2007?)
I wrote that piece because it felt “right.” It was the “right” thing to do at that time.
I find that I write when inspired. It seems to come from an irrepressible need to translate feelings into words. Sometimes I write in an attempt to gain clarity, to heal, to encourage or in some cases to celebrate.
These days, I find I write poems less and less. But although the form has changed, the need to put feelings into words still resonates deeply within.
mother nature’s daughter, a force of reckoning.
ALL LIFE, animate and inanimate,
ARE AT HER MERCY.
HER BROTHER, the WIND, her partner in crime,
FORCES the Earth to bow
in their majestic presence.
NO ONE CAN ESCAPE her far reaching arms.
And when enraged, beware her ROAR
for it strikes fear even in the hearts of stones.
But with her power,
a seemingly blatant disregard for those on her path,
comes the promise of a fresh beginning,
a stillness born out of tumult,
And somedays,
She is as gentle as her name,
Rain. (circa 1988/89)
I remember writing that poem during a beautiful rainstorm. My mom was in the kitchen and I was at the age where I was “watching” her cook so that I could learn to do it for myself. But all I wanted to do was capture in words the magnificent power of Mother Nature. I remember being so excited to put it down on paper.
Sometimes I write to process an emotion:
ANGER
Darkness descends quickly
Day is usurped by night
The lines between love and hate
are made obscure in a fog of angry fury.
A heat, more scalding than fire and hot coals
invades my being, making insight inconceivable.
Like a red-eyed bull I explode:
A raging juggernaut at full speed
obliterating the innocent lambs in my path.
Awakening from my drunked hatredness,
I face the aftermath of my massive destruction.
Words cannot describe my undeniable remorse.
Wallowing in shame I place my head between my hands.
“Sorry” just isn’t enough. (circa 1992/93)
Other times, it’s a general reflection on an idea:
LIFE
Dark and murky
As the reflections of a shadow.
Taken for granted
As the features of a penny.
A kaleidoscope of unpredictable emotions.
A journey to find the meaning of self. (Feb. 2, 1995)
I wrote the following piece while processing an emotional attachment of the Boy Meets Girl and Girl ends up Obsessing over Boy variety. At the time I wrote it, I was on the road to self recovery:
On the road of life I went walking and spied you up ahead.
Easily I caught up and matched you step for step.
We walked in this fashion for about a mile.
Life happened.
It was what it was.
One day, you picked up the pace and broke into a jog.
Not giving it a second thought, I followed suite.
(Not giving it a second thought, I left my self behind)
(Not giving it a second thought, two had now left one)
Then you began to run.
I struggled to catch up and laughed at the irony:
There was a time I’d say in jest,
‘I’d never run unless I was being chased.’
(Ah, irony)
I caught up several times, but you seemed to pick up speed.
Finally I stopped.
You continued north.
I headed east.
On the road of life I went walking, the trees and sky my companions.
After about a mile, I spied a familiar face.
The one that two had left behind caught up.
But one was not the same as one once was.
With unconditional love, one smiled at me with open arms.
I hugged her tightly, tears blurring my vision.
I cried for her, I cried for me.
On the road of life went walking the naïve and the seasoned.
Talking the best of both personas, two became whole.
On the road of life I went walking and one day I smiled.
Everything happens the way it should.
All things work together for good. (2007?)
I wrote that piece because it felt “right.” It was the “right” thing to do at that time.
I find that I write when inspired. It seems to come from an irrepressible need to translate feelings into words. Sometimes I write in an attempt to gain clarity, to heal, to encourage or in some cases to celebrate.
These days, I find I write poems less and less. But although the form has changed, the need to put feelings into words still resonates deeply within.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A Flash of Fear
While on the Leg Extension Machine, I happened to glance up and saw him crossing the gym floor. It appeared as though he was trying to decide which machine he would use next.
A few seconds later what began as a glance had morphed into staring and before I consciously realized what I was doing, he had turned around and found me watching him.
He paused, smiled and then waved. Automatically, I smiled in return.
He then resumed his machine search and I placed complete focus on finishing my reps.
At least that's what happened externally.
Internally, somewhere between his pausing, waving and selecting another machine, I immediately found myself making plans to stop searching him out at the gym.
Just like that, in the space of a few seconds, my peace of mind was suddenly on shaky ground.
I had been caught staring and even though it hadn't been on purpose, my ego began flooding my senses with 'You-should-be-embarrassed' signals. In turn these signals triggered the fearful assumption that I could potentially be making him uncomfortable--which was the last thing I wanted to do!
As my heart began to race, ironically matching the growing sense of dread now building up inside, I forced myself to stop thinking and focused exclusively on breathing mindfully.
Luckily with breath came the beginnings of clarity.
I needed to stop playing the role of Judge, Jury and Executioner. I wasn't guilty of anything. A) I hadn't been staring at him on purpose. B)I honestly couldn't (and shouldn't) make a case for him against me since I had no way of knowing what he was thinking and C) I should be contributing to my peace of mind--not giving into the temptation to sabotage it based on assumption.
I say "assumption" because all I knew for certain was that he smiled and waved at me-- everything else was an assumption spawned when Fear raped my mind. And as assumptions are not synonymous with reality, I refused to delude myself by making the grievous mistake of treating it as such.
***********************************
Now that time has afforded me more opportunity to think, I believe it's wiser to focus more on my workouts and less on P___. It just feels more harmonious to allow P___ to just... be (both physically and psychically). To be quite honest, physically, I've been reaching out to him with my hellos and goodbyes and psychically, he's been living, rent-free, in my mind for quite sometime. And in both cases since I've also been asking for metaphysical assistance in the interactions perhaps it's safe to say I've been trying too hard...
What happens if I just focus my intentions on genuinely feeling good and refrain from physically and psychically trying to orchestrate something?...What happens if I just let whatever unfolds unfold--letting both he and myself off the hook?...I thought I had been doing this (at least that had been the plan), but then today's trip down Fear street was clearly a wrong turn in the opposite direction from the road to Letting Go and Letting Be.
Well, as "It is all for learning," I'll just have to get back on track.
Letting Go and Letting Be, I'm making my way back.
A few seconds later what began as a glance had morphed into staring and before I consciously realized what I was doing, he had turned around and found me watching him.
He paused, smiled and then waved. Automatically, I smiled in return.
He then resumed his machine search and I placed complete focus on finishing my reps.
At least that's what happened externally.
Internally, somewhere between his pausing, waving and selecting another machine, I immediately found myself making plans to stop searching him out at the gym.
Just like that, in the space of a few seconds, my peace of mind was suddenly on shaky ground.
I had been caught staring and even though it hadn't been on purpose, my ego began flooding my senses with 'You-should-be-embarrassed' signals. In turn these signals triggered the fearful assumption that I could potentially be making him uncomfortable--which was the last thing I wanted to do!
As my heart began to race, ironically matching the growing sense of dread now building up inside, I forced myself to stop thinking and focused exclusively on breathing mindfully.
Luckily with breath came the beginnings of clarity.
I needed to stop playing the role of Judge, Jury and Executioner. I wasn't guilty of anything. A) I hadn't been staring at him on purpose. B)I honestly couldn't (and shouldn't) make a case for him against me since I had no way of knowing what he was thinking and C) I should be contributing to my peace of mind--not giving into the temptation to sabotage it based on assumption.
I say "assumption" because all I knew for certain was that he smiled and waved at me-- everything else was an assumption spawned when Fear raped my mind. And as assumptions are not synonymous with reality, I refused to delude myself by making the grievous mistake of treating it as such.
***********************************
Now that time has afforded me more opportunity to think, I believe it's wiser to focus more on my workouts and less on P___. It just feels more harmonious to allow P___ to just... be (both physically and psychically). To be quite honest, physically, I've been reaching out to him with my hellos and goodbyes and psychically, he's been living, rent-free, in my mind for quite sometime. And in both cases since I've also been asking for metaphysical assistance in the interactions perhaps it's safe to say I've been trying too hard...
What happens if I just focus my intentions on genuinely feeling good and refrain from physically and psychically trying to orchestrate something?...What happens if I just let whatever unfolds unfold--letting both he and myself off the hook?...I thought I had been doing this (at least that had been the plan), but then today's trip down Fear street was clearly a wrong turn in the opposite direction from the road to Letting Go and Letting Be.
Well, as "It is all for learning," I'll just have to get back on track.
Letting Go and Letting Be, I'm making my way back.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Testing Waters
He had just placed two huge free weights down on the ground in front of a gym mirror, as I made my way over to him.
I had finished the Weights section of my workout and wanted to make contact before heading upstairs.
"Hello," I said smiling up at him. The tell tale signs of sweat on his skin, led me to conjecture that he had been making very good use of his workout time. Either that or he had a glandular problem.
"Hello," he responded in kind.
"I just wanted to come over and say hi," I said, a bit surprised at how shyly that came out. Clearing my throat, "How's everything going? Are you feeling better from before?"
Being in such close physical proximity, I couldn't help but notice that he was really quite handsome.
"Yes, much better."
And because I was in such close physical proximity, I also couldn't help but notice the definition in his physique. Let's just say that all the effort he was putting in at the gym was paying off.
Since I had sought him out and since our past conversations had consisted of hellos and goodbyes, I didn't want to squander the opportunity of a meaningful verbal exchange. Therefore, re-focusing on the conversation, I continued with "Did you figure out if it was a cold or allergies?"
"I think it was a cold, but I'm definitely better now. You know how it is when you're with kids--germs and all."
Excellent! I had an opening to find out more about his work.
"What exactly do you teach?"
"I teach at F__ D___ A___."
I had no idea where that was, but I intended to rectify that over Google later on this evening.
"No, but what exactly is it that you teach?"
"English."
"How old are the kids?"
"Fourteen, fifteen."
"Oh, wow. That's cool."
I found myself wondering what type of teacher he was and what his students thought of him both as a teacher and as a person.
"Yeah. I like it," he said smiling. "Things good with you?"
A little flustered at now being the subject of the conversation, "I'm good!" I said some what over enthusiastically. Toning it down I continued with, "I was battling something not too long ago--but I think it was allergies. Otherwise I'm doing good."
"Well, that's good," he smiled again.
Sensing it was time to make a graceful exit--afterall, he was here to workout--"Well," I said once again somewhat shyly, "I just wanted to come over and say hi."
"Okay sweetie," he laughed, patting me lightly on the back. I smiled at him once more and then headed straight for the locker room.
Once inside, I opened my locker and began the routine of getting out all the items to begin washing my face. I had made my way over to the sink before I realized that I hadn't even done the cardio portion of my workout! Shaking my head as I placed the items back into the locker, I couldn't help but laugh. By choosing to walk over and speak to him, I had literally and figuratively thrown myself off of my routine.
With my belongings safely locked away, once more I headed out to the gym floor, this time making my way upstairs, intent on finishing my routine.
**************************************
I know students are currently on Spring Break this week, but I forgot to bring that up to P__ and ask about his plans. Admittedly, I'm thinking this would have been a nice segue to broaching the friendly cup of coffee plans from weeks before. But the thing is, I also want to believe that if he is interested, he will ask me--he will bring it up. Afterall, I made the initial move so its not so farfetched to expect him to follow through--again that is if he is interested, right? I mean, that makes sense doesn't it?
Oh well. I will not deal in speculation/assumptions. I am enjoying being able to say hello to him. It sure beats watching him from afar;)
I had finished the Weights section of my workout and wanted to make contact before heading upstairs.
"Hello," I said smiling up at him. The tell tale signs of sweat on his skin, led me to conjecture that he had been making very good use of his workout time. Either that or he had a glandular problem.
"Hello," he responded in kind.
"I just wanted to come over and say hi," I said, a bit surprised at how shyly that came out. Clearing my throat, "How's everything going? Are you feeling better from before?"
Being in such close physical proximity, I couldn't help but notice that he was really quite handsome.
"Yes, much better."
And because I was in such close physical proximity, I also couldn't help but notice the definition in his physique. Let's just say that all the effort he was putting in at the gym was paying off.
Since I had sought him out and since our past conversations had consisted of hellos and goodbyes, I didn't want to squander the opportunity of a meaningful verbal exchange. Therefore, re-focusing on the conversation, I continued with "Did you figure out if it was a cold or allergies?"
"I think it was a cold, but I'm definitely better now. You know how it is when you're with kids--germs and all."
Excellent! I had an opening to find out more about his work.
"What exactly do you teach?"
"I teach at F__ D___ A___."
I had no idea where that was, but I intended to rectify that over Google later on this evening.
"No, but what exactly is it that you teach?"
"English."
"How old are the kids?"
"Fourteen, fifteen."
"Oh, wow. That's cool."
I found myself wondering what type of teacher he was and what his students thought of him both as a teacher and as a person.
"Yeah. I like it," he said smiling. "Things good with you?"
A little flustered at now being the subject of the conversation, "I'm good!" I said some what over enthusiastically. Toning it down I continued with, "I was battling something not too long ago--but I think it was allergies. Otherwise I'm doing good."
"Well, that's good," he smiled again.
Sensing it was time to make a graceful exit--afterall, he was here to workout--"Well," I said once again somewhat shyly, "I just wanted to come over and say hi."
"Okay sweetie," he laughed, patting me lightly on the back. I smiled at him once more and then headed straight for the locker room.
Once inside, I opened my locker and began the routine of getting out all the items to begin washing my face. I had made my way over to the sink before I realized that I hadn't even done the cardio portion of my workout! Shaking my head as I placed the items back into the locker, I couldn't help but laugh. By choosing to walk over and speak to him, I had literally and figuratively thrown myself off of my routine.
With my belongings safely locked away, once more I headed out to the gym floor, this time making my way upstairs, intent on finishing my routine.
**************************************
I know students are currently on Spring Break this week, but I forgot to bring that up to P__ and ask about his plans. Admittedly, I'm thinking this would have been a nice segue to broaching the friendly cup of coffee plans from weeks before. But the thing is, I also want to believe that if he is interested, he will ask me--he will bring it up. Afterall, I made the initial move so its not so farfetched to expect him to follow through--again that is if he is interested, right? I mean, that makes sense doesn't it?
Oh well. I will not deal in speculation/assumptions. I am enjoying being able to say hello to him. It sure beats watching him from afar;)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Brief Encounters
Monday, at the gym.
I was walking towards him as he was walking away from an exercise machine. It happened so quickly that I wasn't sure if he had seen me.
Instead of pursuing him just to say hello, I continued walking, chose a machine and began my work out session.
I was on my final machine, near the Men's Locker Room, when I noticed him standing in the doorway, waving at me about to make his way inside.
I thought it was sweet and thoughtful of him to pause and wave. I had been so deep in thought I would have otherwise missed his departure.
I mouthed, "Hi P___."
We exchanged smiles and he disappeared into the Locker Room.
***********************************
Wednesday, at the gym.
I noticed him a few machines into my workout. But by the time I was at a machine that was within speaking distance, he was already making his way towards the Locker Room.
I silently asked for assistance to be able to say, "Hello" before he made his way upstairs.
I finished my reps on the current machine and then moved to my final one. When I concluded the third set of reps, I began making my way over to the water fountain next to the Men's Locker Room.
Out of the corner of my eye, just as I was approaching the fountain, he was making his exit and I just barely missed colliding into him.
Without breaking his stride, he reached out, brushed his hand against my arm and coupled the gesture with, "Hello." I responded with, "Hello" and then after a split second, called out, "Have good day."
He looked back, said, "Thank you" and may have wished me the same.
I turned my attention to the water fountain and drank my fill.
I then gave silent thanks for the opportunity to exchange salutations before heading upstairs to begin my cardio.
I was walking towards him as he was walking away from an exercise machine. It happened so quickly that I wasn't sure if he had seen me.
Instead of pursuing him just to say hello, I continued walking, chose a machine and began my work out session.
I was on my final machine, near the Men's Locker Room, when I noticed him standing in the doorway, waving at me about to make his way inside.
I thought it was sweet and thoughtful of him to pause and wave. I had been so deep in thought I would have otherwise missed his departure.
I mouthed, "Hi P___."
We exchanged smiles and he disappeared into the Locker Room.
***********************************
Wednesday, at the gym.
I noticed him a few machines into my workout. But by the time I was at a machine that was within speaking distance, he was already making his way towards the Locker Room.
I silently asked for assistance to be able to say, "Hello" before he made his way upstairs.
I finished my reps on the current machine and then moved to my final one. When I concluded the third set of reps, I began making my way over to the water fountain next to the Men's Locker Room.
Out of the corner of my eye, just as I was approaching the fountain, he was making his exit and I just barely missed colliding into him.
Without breaking his stride, he reached out, brushed his hand against my arm and coupled the gesture with, "Hello." I responded with, "Hello" and then after a split second, called out, "Have good day."
He looked back, said, "Thank you" and may have wished me the same.
I turned my attention to the water fountain and drank my fill.
I then gave silent thanks for the opportunity to exchange salutations before heading upstairs to begin my cardio.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Dear John, Take Two
Dear John,
I was addicted to your attention and that feeling of specialness.
I had never been pursued before. I had never been as physically involved with anyone before.
Funny enough, your attention and this feeling of specialness was also part of the reason I wanted us to stop dating.
Since it appeared that we were not on the same page in wanting certain Life Experiences (i.e. marriage and children) I ultimately felt overwhelmed and distrustful of all the attention I was receiving. I say "distrustful" because the way I saw it, let's say tomorrow I came to you and said I really did want marriage and children and then you said, "Sorry, I already told you verbally and nonverbally that my interests don't lie down that path," I would only have myself to blame. Because, after all, when I asked from the get-go you expressed your noncommital feelings on those topics.
But I didn't know how to articulate these fear based thoughts and so I said I wanted to stop dating but that I really wanted to be friends.
Thing is, you offered me the friendship that you could and I found you guilty because the friendship you offered me was not the kind I wanted. It was simply "friendship" in name and far from it in action.
So instead of making peace and letting you be the person that you could be at that point in time without holding it against you, I judged you, found you guilty and then imprisoned myself in a cage of anger, unforgiveness, sadness and more fear. I say "fear" because for some time I actually second-guessed my decision to throw in the towel in the first place.
It would have been healthier had I just let you be you and not taken it so personally.
But I did take it personally and falsely operated under that assumption for quite a long time.
I can see that now. Well, I see that today, at least.
I was attracted to how smart and articulate I thought you were. I was attracted to how gifted a writer I thought you were. I was attracted to how charming and gentlemanly you behaved towards me.
Maybe I thought my own life lacked these qualities so much that I needed someone outside of myself to give them to me--to fill me from the outside in. As opposed to seeing my own self worth and filling myself from the inside out...Was I really that starved for those qualities?...
You are not guilty.
You never were.
You interacted with me as honestly as you could and to judge you was/is unfair.
Thank you for the message of awareness that you helped to usher into my unfolding journey.
Thanks.
I was addicted to your attention and that feeling of specialness.
I had never been pursued before. I had never been as physically involved with anyone before.
Funny enough, your attention and this feeling of specialness was also part of the reason I wanted us to stop dating.
Since it appeared that we were not on the same page in wanting certain Life Experiences (i.e. marriage and children) I ultimately felt overwhelmed and distrustful of all the attention I was receiving. I say "distrustful" because the way I saw it, let's say tomorrow I came to you and said I really did want marriage and children and then you said, "Sorry, I already told you verbally and nonverbally that my interests don't lie down that path," I would only have myself to blame. Because, after all, when I asked from the get-go you expressed your noncommital feelings on those topics.
But I didn't know how to articulate these fear based thoughts and so I said I wanted to stop dating but that I really wanted to be friends.
Thing is, you offered me the friendship that you could and I found you guilty because the friendship you offered me was not the kind I wanted. It was simply "friendship" in name and far from it in action.
So instead of making peace and letting you be the person that you could be at that point in time without holding it against you, I judged you, found you guilty and then imprisoned myself in a cage of anger, unforgiveness, sadness and more fear. I say "fear" because for some time I actually second-guessed my decision to throw in the towel in the first place.
It would have been healthier had I just let you be you and not taken it so personally.
But I did take it personally and falsely operated under that assumption for quite a long time.
I can see that now. Well, I see that today, at least.
I was attracted to how smart and articulate I thought you were. I was attracted to how gifted a writer I thought you were. I was attracted to how charming and gentlemanly you behaved towards me.
Maybe I thought my own life lacked these qualities so much that I needed someone outside of myself to give them to me--to fill me from the outside in. As opposed to seeing my own self worth and filling myself from the inside out...Was I really that starved for those qualities?...
You are not guilty.
You never were.
You interacted with me as honestly as you could and to judge you was/is unfair.
Thank you for the message of awareness that you helped to usher into my unfolding journey.
Thanks.
RE: Speaking my Truth
So, on my way home from work, I realized something.
I was not fully at peace with the aftermath of my exchange with the member of my staff because I was judging how he responded to my email. He did not respond in the way I that I would have liked him to respond.
"Note taken."
I was dissatisfied by that.
Not, "You're absolutely right" or "I apologize" or "I just wasn't thinking" but "Note taken."
Now, putting ego aside, we all played our parts.
I spoke up where I felt I wanted to speak up and in that moment he played his part as well by responding in the only way he felt he could.
Why then should I not allow him to respond in the way that he wants?
I was not fully at peace because I was still finding him guilty. Maybe it would have been different if he had responded with, "You're wrong" or "That's your problem." And had he done that, I would have had to address that and gone back and forth until some outcome had come to pass.
But he didn't.
He acknowledged what I asked him to do--he took the note.
Therefore any witholding of peace on my part, really doesn't make sense. Ultimately, I can only be responsible for myself--my intentions and my actions.
Trying to control his response or judging his response as right or wrong is beside the point. Looking to him to react a certain way as the determining factor of whether I am at peace or not is dangerous. He's not responsible for my happiness. I am.
I took action. I feel good about that.
As for his response? I must accept it as is and let it be.
I was not fully at peace with the aftermath of my exchange with the member of my staff because I was judging how he responded to my email. He did not respond in the way I that I would have liked him to respond.
"Note taken."
I was dissatisfied by that.
Not, "You're absolutely right" or "I apologize" or "I just wasn't thinking" but "Note taken."
Now, putting ego aside, we all played our parts.
I spoke up where I felt I wanted to speak up and in that moment he played his part as well by responding in the only way he felt he could.
Why then should I not allow him to respond in the way that he wants?
I was not fully at peace because I was still finding him guilty. Maybe it would have been different if he had responded with, "You're wrong" or "That's your problem." And had he done that, I would have had to address that and gone back and forth until some outcome had come to pass.
But he didn't.
He acknowledged what I asked him to do--he took the note.
Therefore any witholding of peace on my part, really doesn't make sense. Ultimately, I can only be responsible for myself--my intentions and my actions.
Trying to control his response or judging his response as right or wrong is beside the point. Looking to him to react a certain way as the determining factor of whether I am at peace or not is dangerous. He's not responsible for my happiness. I am.
I took action. I feel good about that.
As for his response? I must accept it as is and let it be.
Speaking my Truth
I chose myself today. At least I think I did.
A member of my team expressed disagreement at my leniency in regards to Customer Deadlines. As he had made the statement before, I decided now was the time to address it.
I sent an email saying this was the second time he had made this particular comment and then I proceeded to state the reasons behind some of the deadline leniency. A few minutes later he responded in an email of his own that although he understood where I was coming from, he felt we were engaging in hand holding. I responded that we would just have to agree to disagree since I didn't see the situation as black and white but that next time, I needed him to be aware that making that audible statement actually weakened my position as a Supervisor as opposed to being a helpful forward moving comment. His response was, "Note taken."
This particular incident was sparked by a statement he made to another customer about the possibility of seats opening up because we were waiting on one group to make their payment. He told this caller to check in with us tomorrow because the payment deadline had already passed. When he got off the phone I asked him to check the notes on the account that still owed money and after some investigating, he realized that the group had an extension for at least 5 more days. When I asked for the caller's information (I was going to send him/her an email), he said he would contact the caller and then added the statement that I felt the need to address: "Well what's the point of having deadlines?!"
As I stated in the beginning of this entry, I feel as though I chose myself today--I spoke up and addressed something that didn't sit right with me. It's one thing to have opinions about my methods, but when its voiced in a way that is more detrimental than helpful, then I have only myself to blame if I don't speak up. I trust he wouldn't have made the statement had he realized the larger potential implications of uttering it out loud. But I had to addressed it and I did it in the best way that I could at that time and I have no regrets about speaking up.
I don't know how this exchange will affect our future relationship. We were friends before I became his Supervisor. I still have great respect for him and sincerely wish him nothing but the best. But at this time I can't help but wonder if because of this exchange whether a clearer line has been drawn between a Friendship and a Work Relationship?
Only time will tell.
A member of my team expressed disagreement at my leniency in regards to Customer Deadlines. As he had made the statement before, I decided now was the time to address it.
I sent an email saying this was the second time he had made this particular comment and then I proceeded to state the reasons behind some of the deadline leniency. A few minutes later he responded in an email of his own that although he understood where I was coming from, he felt we were engaging in hand holding. I responded that we would just have to agree to disagree since I didn't see the situation as black and white but that next time, I needed him to be aware that making that audible statement actually weakened my position as a Supervisor as opposed to being a helpful forward moving comment. His response was, "Note taken."
This particular incident was sparked by a statement he made to another customer about the possibility of seats opening up because we were waiting on one group to make their payment. He told this caller to check in with us tomorrow because the payment deadline had already passed. When he got off the phone I asked him to check the notes on the account that still owed money and after some investigating, he realized that the group had an extension for at least 5 more days. When I asked for the caller's information (I was going to send him/her an email), he said he would contact the caller and then added the statement that I felt the need to address: "Well what's the point of having deadlines?!"
As I stated in the beginning of this entry, I feel as though I chose myself today--I spoke up and addressed something that didn't sit right with me. It's one thing to have opinions about my methods, but when its voiced in a way that is more detrimental than helpful, then I have only myself to blame if I don't speak up. I trust he wouldn't have made the statement had he realized the larger potential implications of uttering it out loud. But I had to addressed it and I did it in the best way that I could at that time and I have no regrets about speaking up.
I don't know how this exchange will affect our future relationship. We were friends before I became his Supervisor. I still have great respect for him and sincerely wish him nothing but the best. But at this time I can't help but wonder if because of this exchange whether a clearer line has been drawn between a Friendship and a Work Relationship?
Only time will tell.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Fifth Agreement
I just finished reading Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz's The Fifth Agreement. I have already read The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love.
This particular agreement can be sumed up in the following words Be skeptical, but learn to listen and What kind of Messenger are you?
They ask the readers to "observe the messages that you're delivering...Just imagine that you are talking to a wall. Don't expect an answer. It's not for the wall to hear what you're saying. It's for you to see what is coming out of your mouth. It's for you to begin to see the impact of your words on everything around you" ( Ruiz, 216-217).
It's not about negatively judging what others say to you. It's about taking what others say and recognizing whether they are messages of truth/love or messages of lies/fear. Again its not about judging others, but clarifying for yourself what you want to take to heart or not. It primarily asks you to be aware of what is being communicated to you and what you are communicating and decide for yourself if that is the message you want to communicate or the nature of the message you think you are receiving. We can only change ourselves. If we are "unhappy" about something--what is it that we have mistaken for absolute truth that we allow our natural connection to peace and compassion to be momentarily usurped by lies/fear?
This is in alignment with my determination to be aware/mindful. I am interested in truth--which is really more objective as opposed to subjective interpretation. I am also interested in asking the questions I need to ask in order to see/observe truthfully. I can speculate all I want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather observe what is and not make assumptions...
"What kind of message do you choose to deliver? Is it truth or is it lies? Is it love or is it fear? My choice is to deliver a message of truth and love. What is yours?" (Ruiz, 220)
This particular agreement can be sumed up in the following words Be skeptical, but learn to listen and What kind of Messenger are you?
They ask the readers to "observe the messages that you're delivering...Just imagine that you are talking to a wall. Don't expect an answer. It's not for the wall to hear what you're saying. It's for you to see what is coming out of your mouth. It's for you to begin to see the impact of your words on everything around you" ( Ruiz, 216-217).
It's not about negatively judging what others say to you. It's about taking what others say and recognizing whether they are messages of truth/love or messages of lies/fear. Again its not about judging others, but clarifying for yourself what you want to take to heart or not. It primarily asks you to be aware of what is being communicated to you and what you are communicating and decide for yourself if that is the message you want to communicate or the nature of the message you think you are receiving. We can only change ourselves. If we are "unhappy" about something--what is it that we have mistaken for absolute truth that we allow our natural connection to peace and compassion to be momentarily usurped by lies/fear?
This is in alignment with my determination to be aware/mindful. I am interested in truth--which is really more objective as opposed to subjective interpretation. I am also interested in asking the questions I need to ask in order to see/observe truthfully. I can speculate all I want, but at the end of the day, I'd rather observe what is and not make assumptions...
"What kind of message do you choose to deliver? Is it truth or is it lies? Is it love or is it fear? My choice is to deliver a message of truth and love. What is yours?" (Ruiz, 220)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)