9/17/14 Entry (Physical Therapy)

I’m going in for my first official physical therapy session today. I met the PT for the first time last week for a preliminary evaluation. I had been having pains in one of my legs on and off for a few years now and after consulting with a few people, I scheduled the appointment. Honestly, had I not mentioned it to a few friends and had they not mentioned going to a physical therapist, it wouldn’t have occurred to me. I don’t play sports (in fact as I wrote those words I found myself laughing wink emoticon ) and I hadn't really experienced really traumatic physical injuries. I go to the gym and have taken yoga classes on and off since college. I actually noticed the pains not long after I began a new yoga class about three years ago. So I stopped going. But didn’t actually do anything about it. I guess I thought it would go away. And it did. But would then come back. And then go away. And then come back. You get the picture. Meeting with the PT last week was great. It appears the issue actually stems from my lower back! I left with a list of some stretching and core muscle exercises. And since then, I have being paying more attention to how I move and have amended certain habits—habits that I’m sure contributed to the pain—habits that primarily happen while sitting at my desk at work or on the train, or standing tongue emoticon Looking forward to all of this getting healed. The moral of this story: speak up—you never know who’s going to be able to give you some helpful advice, and take note of whether seemingly innocuous habits are actually harmful wink emoticon

9/16/14 Another Entry (Memory Recall as a Call for Forgiveness)

Earlier today, someone from my past popped into my mind.  If I were to run into her today, I honestly think we’d be fine.  But my thoughts latched on to a particular memory of an interaction where I had found her “guilty” and I realized that there was a part of me still holding on to that belief in as far as it was connected with this particular memory.  I knew I was still holding on to it because as soon as I remembered it, I found myself pushing it away—attempting to bury the “pain/discomfort” I associated with it. But when I realized I was doing this—when I realized I was going to bury it again, I found myself wondering about an alternative.  Next thing I knew I found myself forgiving the person, the interaction, as well as myself for the roles we both played.  Forgiving it has got to be better than continuing to bury it, right?  After all, I don’t want to see myself as a victim or her as “guilty.”  And though the interaction might not be such a huge deal now, it was enough to leave an impression of pain in me.  And apparently, its continued to exist in the deep recesses of my mind, albeit somewhat quiet, all these years.  So, I’ve resolved to continue to apply forgiveness every time the discomfort comes up—however brief it shows up—until I can think on it and not feel the immediate need to push it away.  I’ve resolved to do that with any memories that come to my conscious attention and tempt me to reach for a shovel full of dirt.  What I’m taking from this is that although my conscious mind believes its moved on, if things are still showing up—no matter how big or small-- and my first reaction is to push it away, then I’m still housing some hurt.  And I for one want to heal the hurt.  I like to think these types of memories shows up to give me the opportunity to check in and see if I’m ready to heal the hurt.  If I am, then I begin to take those steps.  If I’m not, well, there’s always that shovel full of dirt…which is a coping mechanism and will continue to serve that purpose until it’s no longer necessary.

9/16/14 Entry (Not Going to Use You As My Excuse to Disconnect)

About an hour ago, I joined the mass exodus off the subway train. It had been a busy day at work and I had a bus to catch and one more errand to run before going home. As we made our way through the turnstiles and began up the stairs of the subway station, I noticed a young woman standing on the steps. As I was part of the outgoing traffic, I had a clear view of her. She was about three steps in, her back towards potential incoming crowd traffic, and she was on the phone. Her position on the steps basically made her a human road bump as others had to slow down while attempting to navigate around her. Taking in the scene, I found myself in the early stages of getting highly annoyed at her for choosing to stand there. I began to think, "She's obviously in the way. Doesn't she care that she's in the way? If the call is really important, why not go back above ground and away from the stairway?" But then, about the same time the annoyance was really starting to take root, another thought broke in. "I'm not going to use her as an excuse to get upset." And immediately, I was able to withdraw my attention from her and continue up the stairs with my peace of mind intact. Now, there have been countless times that I have sacrificed my peace of mind and in the process flung some emotional poison to those I've held accountable in someway. So it honestly felt really good to be able to stop myself from taking a trip to the Land of Grrr! And at the same time genuinely feel I didn't send any negative vibes in her direction. Who knows what will happen if I find myself starring in the same scenario tomorrow or a month from now? But at least today, in this moment, I can say I'm feeling pretty good about remembering to take responsibility for my peace of mind ♥ Just sharing ♥

9/15/14 Entry (Feminine and Masculine Sentimentality)

The other day, I read the following passage and thought of a conversation I had with a friend some months ago. She had mentioned how she wanted her now husband to be more of a certain way. One example she gave was how she didn’t need him to buy her things to show his love, but preferred he be more like her in sharing feelings. Now, I know the husband and he does share his feelings. It’s just he’s doing it the way he knows how which is different from how she’d like him to. I mentioned to her that she might be trying to change him into something that he’s not. For the record, they are both lovely, lovely people and I’m glad that they’re a part of my life grin emoticon I plan on sending her the following and I share it in case it is of service to someone else:

“The objects of feminine and masculine sentimentality are often widely different. To expect a man to assume what might be an unnatural form of sentiment to prove devotion is an unreasonable experiment with a high probability of failure. Why not accept his instinctual gestures of affection in whatever manner they are manifested? They likely mean more to him and reveal more about his character.”—SD, P&P

9/10/14 Entry-- One year later

By this time last year, I’d already said my goodbyes

By this time last year, you had already stopped being able to speak or give any physical indication that you could hear us

By this time last year, I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying

By this time last year, all I had of you were memories

This year, at this time, I’m OK

This year, at this time, I’ve made progress in making peace with your physical departure

This year, at this time, I can think of you without immediately bursting into tears

This year, at this time—and really everyday—I still miss your physical presence

But the love’s still there

And always will be

Deepening, in a way

Stronger, everyday

So, thanks for that

9/4/14 Entry (Navigating Emotional Waters)

By the time I had left work yesterday evening, I was physically, mentally and emotionally tired. By the time I made it home, I was tired, frustrated, annoyed and for the most part, feeling just plain angry. There were “little” things here and there that all contributed to my emotional state. And once all the “little” things had amassed into one “big” feeling of “Aarghh”, I couldn’t shake it. So I called it an early night.

This morning, when I got up, I made myself write in my journal. Not surprising, my journal entry was filled with all the things that added up to the emotional state I went to sleep with, and in the process of writing, a few insights came forth.

Part of why I was frustrated came from the fact that I was angry at being angry. I was angry at trying to shake it off and not succeeding. I was angry because although I believe anger to be a valid feeling, a part of me didn’t want to be that way. I was fighting what was and, being unsuccessful, pulled me further into the quicksand.

I didn’t want to be angry, but there I was.

It was an example of mistaking being angry and not being able to turn it around, as some kind of failure. I had basically judged and sentenced myself to being “guilty” of not being able to shake it off.

Well, this morning, I chipped away at that idea of trying to muscle through and get out on the other side of anger. The upshot of that exercise? It’s OK to get angry and be royally pissed. It’s OK to sit with the frustration of it all if I’m unable to turn it around. It’s OK because at some point, it will turn around for me—whether via my dogged efforts or when it’s run its course or someone or something helps to crack it open and let in some light.

In general, at least the way my life has been unfolding for the most part, I find that I am inclined to see the good, to bare witness and be tickled pink by random acts of kindness, to readily have my heart touched, to see the glass as half full and be grateful that there is even a glass. So, if I get angry, it’s OK. I will learn from it and sometimes, I just have to let it teach me what it might want to teach me by allowing it to run its course. If I make mistakes whilst angry, I know (no matter how long it might take) I’ll make amends as soon as I am able. Even whilst momentarily clouded by anger, I’m still the “good” person underneath it all.

Last week, I came across something that spoke about making peace with one’s shadow-- making peace with those parts of ourselves that we perceive as being, for whatever reason, “less-than” or not the way we want to be. Part of the proffered advice was, “Ease up, and be more tolerant of yourself. If you do so, these shadows will give way to light and healing.”

Well then. I guess I’ll just have to continue to work on the easing up and being more tolerant of my shadow.

Just wanted to share.