Am I upset because the way someone chose to approach something is different from how I would’ve approached it? Am I upset at someone for not being the way I want/ wish they would be? Or am I upset because their actions towards me are upsetting?
There’s a distinction.
The upset of Scenario A is, technically, unfair and if I was on the receiving end of it, would bring up feelings of “Sorry, but you don’t get to try to change me.”
Scenario B’s upset stems from a behavior or action towards me that I, personally, find unacceptable (and therefore requires addressing both for myself and the others involved, so we’re all on the same page moving forward).
Recently, I was reminded of this distinction.
Person A and I have had a strained relationship. But I reached out to him because I sought his advice on an issue on which he’s far more knowledgeable than I am. And true enough, his reply propelled me to take action that I don’t believe I would have considered otherwise—action that has moved me towards peace of mind. But I was also annoyed.
Eventually, I realized this stemmed from wishing he communicated differently. Our communication styles are very different. And it was hard to untangle this from the strain of past unaddressed behaviors that’s been woven through our interactions over the past 7 years.
Realizing that I was annoyed because of our differences in communication styles was/is helpful.
And now, I continue the work of paying attention.