Feels Good

Ahhh, my subconscious.

I woke up this morning with Mariah Carey singing "Baby won't you be my sweetheart?" in my head. Apparently my subconscious has a sense of humor.

But I must confess. I normally don't go to the gym on Thursdays, but today I made myself get out of bed at the mere thought of possibly running into him.

And when I got to the gym... he wasn't there.

Now, what I genuinely loved about this discovery was the absolute peace I felt when I realized it. There was no disappointment or longing. There were no conscious fear based thoughts.

I actually completed more reps on the weight machines and at the end of it all, felt really, truly great about my workout.

Now that feels good:)

First Encounter After

I saw his approach in one of the gym mirrors.

He slowed down as he walked by me (and one might say perhaps even went out of his way to do so--but that is open to interpretation).

With him still in motion, we made eye contact and I smiled.

I said, "Hello."

He smiled back saying, "Hello Sweetheart."

I grinned as he walked away.

Just a thought

I want to stay conscious/aware/mindful of why I react to certain things--particularly in a negative manner. It's up to me to not just take the anger/fear at face value. If I am to be free of the bonds of victimization, I, too, must refuse to be my own jailer.

I DID IT

As he was walking towards the Men's Locker Room, I decided to try to speak with him. But with his headphones on he didn't respond to my soft spoken, "Excuse me can I ask you something?"

Disappointed, I went back to the machine I had been working out on. I half-heartedly finished a set and then after a quick prayer for Divine assistance, decided to go upstairs and wait for him.

It wasn't long before he came out. He saw me from the corner of his eye as I got up from the bench I had been sitting on and I waved to get his attention. Initially He appeared weary (this was the first time that I had initiated vocal contact--the incident from a couple of weeks ago didn't really count).

"Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" I asked shyly. Not really the way I had envisioned the execution--not as eloquent as I had hoped it would be. But that's how it came out.

Thinking that I had meant right at that moment, he responded that he was actually rushing to get to work and that whenever he left the gym, he was always rushing to get to work. He worked as a teacher on 114th street.

He continued with something to the effect of perhaps when his obligations finished or when his schedule changed, then yes (I am not quoting him because honestly 1) I'd be lying if I said I remembered everything he said and 2) I really have no interest in embellishing anything about this exchange).

I said ok. He asked my name. I told him--I had to pronounce it a few times. He introduced himself as P___ and shook my hand.

We then said goodbye. He left the gym and I went to an elliptical machine to text my best friend.

Although, we didn't exchange numbers or set up a definite time to plan said coffee outting, I'm ok with it. I want to have a healthy exchange with him. I genuinenly want to approach this with the intention of making a potential friend and if something in addition to that developes, I am determined to be as mindful and conscious as I can be. I ask for Divine guidance throughout our contact as I am truly interested in developing a healthy, spiritual relationship with him and really, from this point on with anyone I meet or already know.

I have decided to see whatever happens as unfolding perfectly. However it developes, whatever way it developes, it will unfold perfectly and I will practice mindfulness. A this point, I feel the ball in now in his court. I believe he'll let me know if his schedule frees up and if he doesn't--for whatever reason--at least now I can smile at him downstairs and say Hello. Maybe even find out where he works/what he teaches, etc.

I did what I set out to do--I asked him out.

And so with peace I quote Andrew Lincoln's Mark in Love Actually, "Enough. Enough now."

Chasing Pavement?

This morning, as I was working out downstairs, I saw him. And today, he was by himself.

At one point, I purposely walked by him as he was doing sit-ups on the floor. I walked over to the water fountain, took a few sips, and then walked by him again determined not to make eye contact. I headed over to another part of the gym, got on a machine, and watched his reflection complete his sit-up reps. When he finished, he got up and went into the Men's Locker Room.

Now, the machine I was sitting on was a few feet away from said Locker Room. Watching the entrance to the Locker Room, I silently repeated to myself, "If I am given the opportunity, I'm going to speak to him today. If I am given the opportunity, this will be the day." When he finally came out, he had his coat on and began heading upstairs. Right then and there, I decided to try to create an opportunity and catch up to him.

I got up the stairs and saw him moving towards the gym entrance, about to make his exit. I hesitated for an instant but then shook it off and continued forward towards the door. He walked out into the dark, rainy morning and by the time I got there, I had absolutely no idea which way he went. Refusing to be deterred, I ran to the corner with hopes that I would catch a glimpse of him, prepared to call out, "Hey, excuse me, can I ask you a question?" But no one was there.

I went back into the gym, this time continuing my workout upstairs, intensely aware of not knowing how to feel about what had just happened. Thoughts fluctuated between, "Apparently, it wasn't meant to be--at least not today," and "Help me to stay peaceful as I watch to see this play out--however it plays out."

The next time I'm at the gym will be on Friday. Perhaps I should smile at him or wave at him if we happen to make eye contact...

Why have I never smiled at or said hello to him? My automatic response has always been to watch him secretly and then look away if it appears we are about to make eye contact...Why?

"Things that make you go hmm..."

Same bat time

I worked out downstairs again today.

He was working out with the same young lady from yesterday. I had a few opportunities to make eye contact with him. But I chose not to.

"How will this fadge?"

However it does unfold, I genuinely desire what ACIM would call a holy relationship.

Can I get an "Amen?"

Observing illusion

I saw my gym crush today.

I had decided to workout downstairs where the weight machines were before going upstairs for my cardio.

I had hoped to catch a glimpse of him, but I was also really focused on working out. It had been sometime since I had been downstairs and I wanted to make it count.

When I happened to see him, I was startled. And although I continued going through the motions of working out, mindful exercising almost immediately took a back seat. My heart began lightly racing as I wondered whether today was the day that I would have the opportunity to speak with him. With determination, I turned to my machine giving it my full focus, struggling to finish my final set and when I looked back, he was laughing and appeared to be working out with an attractive young lady.

In that moment, I was aware of the temptation to feel sad--as if I had lost my one golden opportunity. Maybe if I had spoken to him some months ago when I first noticed him... Maybe if I had spoken to him that one day a few weeks ago when we exchanged words for the very first time... Maybe if I had just waited one day after my workout with the sole goal of introducing myself to him... Maybe...what? Even in that moment, surreptitiously watching him happily engaging with another of Eve's daughters--a fellow sister in spirit, I was also aware that I was about to mourn a loss that was based on...maybes.

Maybes are not truth. What is truth? Well in this particular case according to my eyes, a man who I don't know from Adam is laughing and working out with someone who also happens to be an attactive young lady. That is the truth. Anything else I was tempted to think was an illusion--reactions to made up scenarios in my mind as opposed to the objective observation of the thing itself.

During the rest of my workout downstairs and even when I went upstairs, I genuinely asked for Divine assistance in seeing the situation honestly. She could be a friend. She could be a girlfriend. She could be his relative. But at the end of the day, what I saw were two people having a positive exchange of energy. And honestly, even in the midst of the temptation to feel sad, I was happy that they both appeared to be having a good time. I guess on some level that counts for something.

Well. I think, if I am still given the perfect opportunity by the Universe, I will still ask him out. Whatever his reply, I will be the better for it. Whatever his reply.