Some habits contribute to care— for yourself and others—, often habits that are given conscious consideration at some point before implementation. Some habits don’t contribute to care-- often born out of momentary need, made unconsciously or semi-consciously.
You get a text message or a private message via whatever communications platform or app you use: a colleague, a family member, someone who considers you a friend, someone you would call a friend or an acquaintance, and they have a question.
Now, some/ all of the following will influence when you choose to respond, if you choose to respond, and how you choose to respond: the nature of the question, your workload, your mental/ emotional/ energetic bandwidth, your conscious or unconscious valuation of the requestor, and your communication habits.
For those who choose not to respond, those doing so out of habit, I implore you; whenever you are able, do respond. Even a simple acknowledgment of receipt and proffering a time frame to expect a more detailed reply is better than silence.
Everyone's time and energy are valuable. Everyone.
I rent a studio on private property.
Last Saturday, my landlord was supposed to come and fix something in my rental. The previous Saturday, he had come through, and our verbal agreement was he would be returning the following Saturday.
Friday evening, I sent a text asking what time to expect him. Four days later, still no reply.
We've done this dance many times. I send a text message about a rental-related matter and receive no reply. Then, I initiate additional requests for assistance when I see him on the property.
Sure, there have been a few times when he’s replied and acted on something, but I’ve expended more than my share in our energy exchanges.
But it’s not just in that relationship.
Before 2022, I often overextended myself to get answers from people with whom I have a variety of relationships.
There have been people in my life, like my landlord, who I’ve messaged with questions; days later, sometimes weeks later, nothing. I find that silence puzzling, especially if it's being perpetuated out of habit. Because that kind of habit is, honestly, unkind to those on the receiving end.
Before 2022, I sucked it up and just kept doing the extra work of overextending-- keeping my feelings about the imbalance and my experience of feeling dismissed/ disrespected by that silence to myself.
But now, my self-care practice, which still includes genuinely trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, also includes speaking up.
The next time I see my landlord, I’ll ask if he received my text. If he says no, I’ll bring up the verbal agreement. Ultimately, my goal is to communicate needing replies to messages about the rental, follow through on verbal agreements, and any updates to plans made.
Yes, things may not change with him. Some people will not care or feel they can’t care, or never learned how to, or, currently, feel no value in it. But if I don’t speak up for myself-- especially when it's bugging me, who will?
To those who will care-- those who hadn’t considered the effects of their silence, those who will make changes, I thank you in advance.
A few final thoughts to folks learning to speak up for their needs-- endeavoring to teach others how to treat you in your interactions. If you're see-sawing between speaking up or silence, figure out which of those paths will contribute to your self-care. Depending on the circumstances and the players involved, giving voice to an issue, increases the likelihood of it being addressed. There are fewer chances of that happening under the continued weight of silence. Again, consider your particular situation in order to make the best self-care choice for you. And if you do move forward with speaking up, take the time to be conscious of how you choose to approach the parties involved. How you choose to communicate is just as important as what you’re choosing to communicate.