When You Can, Respond

Some habits contribute to care— for yourself and others—, often habits that are given conscious consideration at some point before implementation.  Some habits don’t contribute to care-- often born out of momentary need, made unconsciously or semi-consciously. 

You get a text message or a private message via whatever communications platform or app you use: a colleague, a family member, someone who considers you a friend, someone you would call a friend or an acquaintance, and they have a question. 

Now, some/ all of the following will influence when you choose to respond, if you choose to respond, and how you choose to respond: the nature of the question, your workload, your mental/ emotional/ energetic bandwidth, your conscious or unconscious valuation of the requestor, and your communication habits. 

For those who choose not to respond, those doing so out of habit, I implore you; whenever you are able, do respond.  Even a simple acknowledgment of receipt and proffering a time frame to expect a more detailed reply is better than silence. 

Everyone's time and energy are valuable.  Everyone. 

I rent a studio on private property. 

Last Saturday, my landlord was supposed to come and fix something in my rental.  The previous Saturday, he had come through, and our verbal agreement was he would be returning the following Saturday. 

Friday evening, I sent a text asking what time to expect him.  Four days later, still no reply. 

We've done this dance many times.  I send a text message about a rental-related matter and receive no reply.  Then, I initiate additional requests for assistance when I see him on the property. 

Sure, there have been a few times when he’s replied and acted on something, but I’ve expended more than my share in our energy exchanges. 

But it’s not just in that relationship. 

Before 2022, I often overextended myself to get answers from people with whom I have a variety of relationships. 

There have been people in my life, like my landlord, who I’ve messaged with questions; days later, sometimes weeks later, nothing.   I find that silence puzzling, especially if it's being perpetuated out of habit.   Because that kind of habit is, honestly, unkind to those on the receiving end. 

Before 2022, I sucked it up and just kept doing the extra work of overextending-- keeping my feelings about the imbalance and my experience of feeling dismissed/ disrespected by that silence to myself.     

But now, my self-care practice, which still includes genuinely trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, also includes speaking up.   

The next time I see my landlord, I’ll ask if he received my text.  If he says no, I’ll bring up the verbal agreement.  Ultimately, my goal is to communicate needing replies to messages about the rental, follow through on verbal agreements, and any updates to plans made.   

Yes, things may not change with him.  Some people will not care or feel they can’t care, or never learned how to, or, currently, feel no value in it.  But if I don’t speak up for myself-- especially when it's bugging me, who will? 

To those who will care-- those who hadn’t considered the effects of their silence, those who will make changes, I thank you in advance.   

A few final thoughts to folks learning to speak up for their needs-- endeavoring to teach others how to treat you in your interactions.  If you're see-sawing between speaking up or silence, figure out which of those paths will contribute to your self-care.  Depending on the circumstances and the players involved, giving voice to an issue, increases the likelihood of it being addressed.  There are fewer chances of that happening under the continued weight of silence.  Again, consider your particular situation in order to make the best self-care choice for you.  And if you do move forward with speaking up, take the time to be conscious of how you choose to approach the parties involved.  How you choose to communicate is just as important as what you’re choosing to communicate.

 

Habit

At physical therapy the other day, I had a download of clarity.

I'm seeing him for upper right-side issues that manifest in my shoulder, neck, arm, upper and middle back.  

As I lay there on the table, I heard myself tell the PT how I used my right hand to turn on the lamp at the side of my bed.  

Processing the words as they were coming out of my mouth, I realized something at the same time the PT did.  And when he gave voice to his thoughts, it echoed my epiphany. 

When I lay down on the bed, the lamp is to my left; using my left hand would be easier on my body than the extra steps of turning onto my left side before reaching out with my right arm.

Why have I been using my right hand? 

Honestly, I think it's because 1) it’s my dominant hand and 2) out of habit; I have always used my right hand to turn on this lamp.  At my prior residence, the lamp was on my right side.   I also slept on the right side of the bed.  Therefore, it was logical to turn the lamp on and off with my right hand.  

At my current residence of about 8 years, I still sleep on the right side of the bed.  When on the bed, my back against the mattress, I only have to engage in a few scoot & slide maneuvers to get to the lamp using my left-hand.  But instead, I'm pulling a “Go, go, gadget arms"; unnecessarily tasking my right arm, unconsciously doing things the hard way.

Since making this realization, I’ve noticed that I also use my right hand for items housed in a left-side cupboard.  

This, of course, now has me wondering, where else am I creating extra work for my body?  And, on a larger scale, where else am I contributing to misalignment (be it physical, mental, emotional, or energetic) simply because of that powerful influencer, habit?

 

An Unexpected Visitor

An unexpected, though not unwelcomed, visitor stopped by again the other day.   

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been paid such a visit. 

This time it was afternoon, and I stood near the kitchen sink; no recollections now as to the thoughts I’d been giving audience.  

Without warning, a concentration of yellow, golden-hued Sunlight pooled in through a window, flooding a portion of the room, bathing everything it touched, including my attention, in wonder. 

Stunned, as always, by the beauty of the encounter, but for the first time in all of our encounters, I managed a soft, delighted, “Hello!”

Sufficiently satisfied with my reaction, she left.

The next morning, as I lay under the covers, I was paid another visit.   

Sunlit from within, I watched and felt my luminous first visitor of the day brighten the room and pour into my heart. 

Sufficiently satisfied I’d received the full effect of her, “Hello”, she left. 

Never have I treasured an unexpected visitor more. Never have I wished an unexpected visit longer. 

The Comparison Game

The other day, I was scrolling through social media and saw some pics of a contact I’d gone to school with. Long since married with children, the assortment of pics depicted different combinations of him and his family. 

He looked happy. They looked happy. I couldn’t help but be happy for them. 

And then I caught myself playing The Comparison Game.  

When I was younger and certain adults in my life were the resident hosts of The Comparison Game, I, an unwilling contestant, wanted nothing to do with it.  Even then I was aware it was an attempt to highlight someone else’s perceived lack in me.  

But then fast forward to the present, a ways away from childhood, and I catch myself taking on not only the role of the host but also that of the contestant and live studio audience. 

Luckily, when I realized what I was doing, I acknowledged that nothing healthy would come from continuing to play and quickly walked off the sound stage. 

My other realization was how unkind the behavior had been. 

This particular version of the game champions self-abandonment. Living in my skin, I am the last person who should be abandoning myself! Extending self-compassion and grace? Yes! Helpful.  Self-abandonment? No. Not helpful. 

I do realize I’ve danced with self-abandonment in other ways throughout my life thus far (i.e., patronizing via doing/ eating/ imbibing/ reading/ watching/ listening to, etc., something that I know or have experienced as being unhealthy for me either physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically). But somehow, in this particular moment, the self-abandonment perspective, and the unkindness really stood out. 

When I made the connection, I told myself something along the lines of, “You have to be kind to yourself. You can choose to be kind to yourself. You inhabit your body, so, of all people, it’s imperative that you choose to be kind to you.” 

(And being kind to you doesn’t mean being unkind to someone else.)

(And having healthy boundaries is not the same as being unkind to others. Though it might feel like it if you've only just begun to see the value that healthy boundaries can contribute to your physical, mental, emotional, and energetic well-being.) 

(I added the latter two as reminders that the way I choose to treat everyone (including myself), whether I am initiating or continuing in an interaction matters).  

Also, I’ve had the front-row seat in my life!  There have been a plethora of blessings and lots of growth, and all have contributed to the person that I am today. Sure, there are things I’m working on and likely there’ll always be things I’ll want to work on.  But I do like who I am and who l am steadily working on growing into in my life and in the world. 

So, I take the first step in the direction I consciously want to be headed.  

And I continue to take as many more steps as is necessary to support me in taking better care of myself.  

And I remember that self-compassion and grace are just a thought away. 

Hope you will, too.