Writing Prompt— Dream Romantic Relationship

I might be labeled a late bloomer when it comes romantic love.  I’ve had two romantic relationships in my life. Both in my 30ties. I had secret crushes in the past but these were the ones in which fate intervened, in more ways than one, and they expressed interest and my romantic and willing heart reciprocated.  

In the first, we seemed to start off together but ended with me chasing and in the chasing leaving myself behind. When I stopped chasing— it had become too painful not to stop, I made the decision to commit to healing. I made the decision to commit to forgiving myself. I made the decision to commit to forgiving him. The forgiving was massively important to me. I chose it. You see, he had warned me and I didn’t listen. 

In the beginning of the attraction stage, getting to know each other and sharing our hearts, he had told me that once he felt he could depend on someone, he resented them.  I didn’t listen. Instead I remember thinking I would be the exception to this. And as I had no other reciprocated romantic experiences prior to this, nor witnessed healthy, loving real life romantic relationships, when he ran, it made sense to chase until he was long gone and I got lost.   So healing and forgiving and committing to listening was important. And I did. 

The second relationship, I ended. He was a gentleman.  I liked him but we weren’t on the same page about some huge life wants. I knew from the beginning. He told me. And every time he mentioned it, I felt something inside me shrink. In the first relationship I had chosen not to listen to what was said.  I wasn’t going to make that error in judgment again. And so I listened to him, and I listened to me. I knew if I finally gave in to the desire of expressing that life want, he could say, “I told you, I couldn’t”, and he would be correct and I would, once again, have left a part of me behind.  So, even though the experience of him was closer to ideal, it wasn’t completely. And to settle, would be at the expense of my peace of mind and heart. And that was too expensive. So, even as I made the right decision for me, my heart ached, my tears flowed, and we went our separate ways.  Those two experiences and the many conscious thoughts and observations that have visited and continue to visit to this day, have contributed to where I am on this area of my life at this present time.

To quote Fabolous and Neyo:

“I'm a movement by myself

But I'm a force when we're together

Mami, I'm good all by myself

But, baby, you, you make me better”

It feels loving. It feels healing. It feels sacred. It feels fun. It feels passionate. It feels compassionate. It feels inspiring. It feels honest. It feels like a deep, fulfilling, nourishing breath.

A partner in every sense of the word.

Teaching and learning from each other. Modeling for each other through observed and experienced verbal and non verbal interactions with ourselves, with each other, with others whose paths we cross.

Able to share comfortable silences.

Able to laugh.

Each able to express huge emotions and know all are safely held, safely witnessed, safely released.

Each communicating.

Each listening on all levels. 

Each able to accept the other’s alone time without fear

Each free and supported to explore that which nourishes their spirit.

And together, in harmony, when it comes to that which feels like non-negotiable life wants.

All this or something better 😉

Grappling

Sitting in the discomfort of ill fitting emotions, I judge feeling this way. All I did was speak up, and in speaking up give voice to my annoyance at the perception of your attempt to steam roll over my concerns with talking over me and volume. Well, I replied in kind.   Choosing not to quietly take it as I have in the past. But admittedly, splitting the difference between past reaction and real time frustration, I threw into the mix that smiling thing. That thing where I “smile” because I can’t believe your attempt to slap away-belittle-my-concerns-and-I “smile” because if I don’t I will come across angry, which I AM in the moment but am not ready or comfortable embodying in that particular interaction. And now, hours later, I’m angry at you and a little disappointed in me.  The only potential consolation being maybe by my speaking up even through the “smiling”, you were made uncomfortable too. Uncomfortable in a “good” way. Uncomfortable enough to reassess how you interact with me in the future— not trying to talk over me and belittle my concerns because I. Will. Push. Back.  So here I now sit. Second guessing one’s right to be perfectly herself in a moment that calls forth in her, ANGER at the EFFRONTERY of another.  The terrain, unsteady, the temperature, fire.

A Sync in the Subway Station

After work rush hour. Standing on the crowded downtown subway platform, staring off into space.  Refocusing into the present moment, my eyes sweeping over the equally crowded uptown platform, I pause. And smile. Sitting comfortably in his (or her) guardian’s bag, a little white dog, with just the head poking out, is also taking in the sights and sounds of both the uptown and downtown platforms. And for a moment, I watch him watch others. And in that moment, feeling a little more alive, feeling some of the day’s stress fade away, I’m grateful for everything that made it possible to have the experience♥️