RE: What's Behind the No."

Ultimately, if I am OK with just leaving my answer at "No," and I don't experience a defensive feeling, then that's fine too. If I am feeling defensive, then there is something there to be further investigated--some fear/anger based emotion that could use healing by being brought to light and I owe myself that--I like being able to contribute to my own healing/consciousness.

If I feel absolutely at peace with just saying, "No," and the other party appears to have a problem with my response, then that's OK too. The other person is entitled to feel how s/he chooses to feel ;)

What's Behind the "No?"

In the past, when I’ve been asked to do something I don’t want to do, I would say, “No,” and expect that to be the end of the conversation. When the person asking pushed me to give a reason, many times, I’d get even more defensive because I felt I was being asked to defend my stance when my simple, “No, I don’t want to,” should’ve sufficed.

Recently (today) it occurred to me that in the moments when I feel my “wall” going up, perhaps digging deeper into “Why I don’t want to,” could be helpful to both myself and the person asking.

I’ll admit, many times, I’ve just said, “No,” without getting to the root of “Why not.” But perhaps if I get to the root of “Why not,” I can truly check in with myself to see if I really want to stand by the “No.” Perhaps, “No” would have been apropos in the past. Or perhaps I’m automatically saying, “No,” because there is something about this situation that reminds me of an identical situation from the past but instead of investigating it fully, I’m taking the easy way out by being immediately dismissive (and in some ways perpetuating a belief that no longer hold true for where I am currently in my Life’s experience).

If after checking in, I find that the answer is still “No,” I can explain what is at the root of the “No,” making the explanation as much for myself as well as for the other person. Perhaps instead of immediately being defensive and taking the position that I am being challenged, I could choose to see the question of “Why not?” as a genuine, curious question (as opposed to a question being asked so that the other party can now try to convince me that I am wrong). If after shedding more light on “Why not?” it appears that the other party wants to change my mind and I’m not ready to make this change, then I can say, “Thank you for your opinion/ thank you for giving me another perspective, but at this time, I’m going to stand by my decision.”

And if there still seems to be a power struggle over who is making the right decision for my life, then I can choose to walk away instead of getting angry or I can turn it back to the other person and ask, “Why don’t you accept that I can make this decision for myself?” Or “as my friend, I really appreciate your insights/input, but trust me when I say I am making the best decision that I can make for myself at this point in time and if I’m making a mistake, then it’s my mistake to make.”

At the end of the day, an opinion is just that—an opinion and everyone is entitled to opinions. But my opinion for my life will ultimately trump anyone else’s.

Now, to put it into practice!